Sep
23

Why Are Politicians So Doable?

img001_smIs it me or have you noticed that many of our forefathers (past and present) were quite fuckable? I think that carrying their countries’ burden put them into a position of some very kinky sex. Whether it was fisting or position number 8 Section.B, I will do a quick countdown on all the leaders of the pack that deemed for us and (him) to stand at attention!

Clinton

clinNot the wifey, but I guess she could watch. Ah, Clinton. SO much could be said. He can play sax (I love a man that can play an instrument, and keep his nails trimmed for other activities), he likes black people (man was on BET like nuff times) and he loves to screw around. Now I know that it could be debated that either he is a nympho or Hilary just don’t know how to keep a man satisfied. I think that Hilary is the smartest; obviously if she can keep Mr. Bill in check and running back for more. Maybe she is mild mannered. Who knows? What I do know is that I would slap that mother down and be off with him. Later skater! And just looking at his conquests he looks like he has no taste anyways.

John F. Kennedy

jfkMind you this mother knew how to fuck. Although, I have read that because of his back problems he became quite lazy in bed. Surprise, Surprise?? And it is not like the girls back in those days were going to say NO to the President of the United States. I would though, I hate having to be on top all the time.

Thomas Jefferson

jeffNow, I heard that this guy was into dem chocolate honeys. I read somewhere that he would rampage the maid’s quarter nightly. HE knew that the darker the chocolate the sweeter the juice.

Oprah

opieIf we could just get Gayle occupied we would definitely stand a chance. Since it looks like she is into those caramel honeys.

George Bush

busMind you the name does say it all, but he looks to be a very proper boy. For some reason when I look at him he looks as if he yearns to be spanked. No? He does have this kid quality about him. So if I lower my standards JUST enough I would so do him. But, if I lowered it ALOT we would have to do it on either the floor or in Hell. And the devil would say move on over Bill is on his waaay! But, it looks like we would both get a good laugh! I know I would.

Obama

obmAnd then we have the president of the United States of America. 

I don’t know about this one, maybe it is the ears.

He looks doable to me.

But, somewhere deep down inside, I feel that he would probably like the girl to take control, since he spends the day bossing around everyone. I don’t mind having to give instructions, but all the time!!! I don’t think so.

So we will crown him the most doable of them all. Rather him than that other dude (McCain). Cause honey, I am so not into geriatrics!

And to sign off possums -my mother always told me that not only, does the crazy people have the best pills, but you only have three friends in the world-your pocket, God and your front. So, keep your pocket full, pray to God for guidance and take care of your front before it takes care of you!

All rights reserved 2009. Lucresia Linton.

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Sep
23

Sexual Position of the Week

101px-kneeling-sex-positionI am still not sure if this is a Heimlich Maneuver or an actual sexual position. Either way, girlfriend looks like she is in pain. As he cups her breasts I do think that somehow he is at a cool advantage, he has better insertion, but if she queffs then HELLO! Adieu, L.

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Sep
17

Position of the Week

120px-dcng-sur-la-tableNow, I am all into bending…sometimes when you are not looking and are slipped one Darling it can be actually very nice. But this one takes the case. I would love to try this, but with my fleshy thighs it is gonna be very hard. But, not everyone has a ballerina bar thingie in their room, so we should just compromise. What about using a window sill (curtains opened of course) or the edge of the kitchen counter. But, never, ever, try a staircase bannister. One quick slip (pardon the pun) and you will be in for a really bumpy ride. I know. Carpet burns is one thing, but Stair burns it is in its own category. Adieu par now, L.

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Sep
17

The Law of Karma…according to Lucresia

p6Major Rule No.1 Ask and you shall receive

Today, in the middle of a bookstore a woman turned to me out of the blue and said,”We are accountable for everything in our lives both good and bad.” She told this to me while pointing at a book in the Self-Help section. I went home thinking, “Why did this phrase hit me?” It hit home because I stood still long enough to know that everything and every person that has manifested in my life-I put them/it there. Any struggles, madness and heartache, I put it there! So without coming off too preachy (which if you read any of my other articles is hard to do!) I have devised a simple list to support the next time I prayed to God. You have heard of the biblical phrase-Ask and you shall receive….well, I have a few things to ask.

1. Ask and you shall receive…a fine man with a big wallet (inside and outside his pants!!!)
Yes, I know that there are a lot of people out there that pray for a husband or at least a boyfriend, myself included. And they put a lot of effort too. But let me tell you something…don’t think just cause you asked of God that you will find him in a place of God; that he will magically appear in the church pews. Cause that same “Brother” James could be wheeling and dining “Sister” Jackie and “Sister” LaToya too! And don’t try to turn every man that gives you a smile as the “one”. You know what I mean-you just finished praying to God and then you go outside to get you r mail and the mail man smiles and compliments your petunias and you are all over him; inviting him inside for a cup of coffee and a slice of cake. NO! Don’t do THAT!! ! And girl, if God finally sends you a person who is loving, kind, helps pay for your phone and car insurance and gives you something proper every night! He has you seeing God and crying to all the Saints while he’s at it. And after he is finished and the next day you find bugs crawling up and down you leg and inside your panty doesn’t mean God sent him to you. It means you need to get clearer in your thinking. God meant him to go to the girl right after you – who happens to be a pharmacist! HAHAHA!

2. Ask and you shall receive…your dream job…Lord, Jesus, please a job! The true meaning of a dead end job is where you no longer feel love, peace and challenged (in a good way). God didn’t intend for some people to slave away for 8 to 12 hours and others not to. What if I told you a little secret I discovered about the universe-that the life you create, the life you are living right now, you are accountable for it. You decide the course your life takes. Not the Angels, and not by some fateful design. Only you! And if you ask for assistance of God and his angels they will assist you by showing you signs. These signs could be by way of someone talking to you about what you just prayed to God for the night before or it could be a television show or billboard showing where you could receive assistance. Guidance, my dear comes in many forms. Now that you know that take a look at your surroundings and tell me what is it that you see. Is it a bad job where all your co-workers smile at you freely and then gossip behind your back. Are you in a job where you were offered peanuts and was told that you would get a review and a raise in the coming months, but it never happened? Or were you next in line for a promotion only to be passed over. Look, we have all been there one way or the other. If you can’t grasp the bigger picture, then my friend you are stuck! Remember your employer will never see your inner and outer struggles outside of your job. They will never see you begging help to pay bills or provide your child food and sustenance. All they see is the person you show them for that time frame that they pay you for. So, with that said you always have a choice. McDonald’s doesn’t have to be a dead end job, if that what it takes to feed your family. But, I call it a “step-up” job that is part of process. It’s a job that you take while you are looking for something closer to your dream job. Just like Welfare is a “step-up” process. Society gets angry at those that are on Welfare because Man didn’t intend for you to be on assistance for 10 to 20 years. He intended for you to be creative and look for a stable means to an end. When you are stuck only yourself is accountable. You can move North, East, South and West in your problem. If you are not going in any direction then you have to make a choice. And don’t make just any choice. Get behind your choice and educate yourself before making your choice. But, don’t wait to long…else that will turn into procrastination and that my dear is an entirely different page all together!

bu3. Ask and you shall receive….Money and lot’s of it, my Father and I need it pronto!!!!
If you have $3.74 in your chequing account and $.17 in your savings account you are accountable for this!!! Some where in the thick of things you made a rites of passage to be broke. But, being broke doesn’t only have to pertain in money. It could also mean that you are broken down in spirit too. Get real with yourself! Where is your money walking off to? Is it to Chanel, Prada or Louis Vuitton? Or is to a shoe sale where you buy a pair for this high price and receive another one for half off? You can play your hand at lottery every week in hopes that you shall win, but isn’t better to play the cards of Life that you’ve been dealt. If you played the hand that was giving to you wrongly ask the universe for another hit! Or at least walk away for the craps table and try your luck at a new game. Remember it is up to you to decide. Once you make up your mind in the direction you would like to go, the universe will support your effort. I know most people will not take the time to evaluate where their money ran off to, but at least try to adjust some of your habits in order to change your circumstances. So, if it means to get a second job so that you can get your Manolo shoes and pay all your other bills on time then so be it! If it means to throw some extra change to a cousin or a sibling to watch your kid you so that you can make an extra dollar then do so. Make it your choice to. Remember you can’t do the same thing all the time and expect something different to happen! Change has to be constant and it could only be initiated by you! Start by asking the universe to lead you to the perfect job, man that you need right now. Trust me, He will answer.

4. Ask and you shall receive…a life without strife! Ya Right!No life is and ever will be perfect. Embrace the odd occurrence of strife because that is the only way you grow. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you should go looking for a raw deal. No! If your baby daddy is around and is only giving you “survival” money then honey you are accountable for this! In the past you chose him and your situation. And in the now, it is just not gonna be good enough! So make a new choice! And if your baby daddy ain’t around and you still ain’t got no money, you are accountable for this as well. Pick yourself up and do whatever it takes to hustle (And I am not taking about selling your soul or doing something foolish!). Only you know how much you can handle at any given time. But, remember, you are not accountable for his choices. If he CHOSE to not give you money, that is his problem. If he CHOSE not to help his mama that is his problem. If he CHOSE to make face with another girl that is his problem. He is accountable for all those things because somewhere in his screwed up mind he not only thinks he is the Don, but has some very sick reasoning behind all the tricks he pulls. And lest we shall forget, that the main reason you need strife is to remember where you came from and where you are going to. Do you realize when the going gets good that is when you start to forget the friends that you called wailing about Tyrone, you forget the promises you made to Aunt Ida that you would come over every other Saturday night in attempts for her to loan you that $100 bucks, or maybe you forgot to cry, I mean pray to God to deliver you out of this evil and mess! Strife is a humbling experience. And I know you won’t forget it.

5. Understanding parents, family and your own children It’s never gonna happen. I remember going to my white friend’s house and saw how they stamped their foot up and down the stairs and cursed at their parents. While their parents said, “Now dear, let’s analyze why you are angry!” Puleeeze!!!! And then when I went home and try to pull the same stunt even using the same swear words all I got was, actually I don’t remember what I got….I think the repercussions from my parents were so bad that I think I actually blocked them from my memory!!! You are not accountable for the parents you have. But, what you are accountable for is the way in which you perceive them. You will never change your parents into the people you want them to be.

6. Ask and you shall receive….a piece of mind-to achieve a piece of mind, be a peace of mind. And don’t ignore this one cause it’s simple. It really is that simple.

buuIn all seriousness, the God in me moves me to write to you all that He didn’t put you on this earth to suffer, nor did He put you on this Earth to endure people’s judgment of you. He didn’t put you on this Earth for people to steal your joy, nor He did not put you on this Earth for people to cheat, lie, and look down upon you. And I know for a fact that God did not put you on this Earth to make your bed and revel in it. God did put on this Earth to follow His laws, gave us the free will to prosper, gave us the ability to teach one another and inspire. He gave us the ability to dream and gave us the dawning of the each and every single day to carry out his Word and show us the meaning of life. .And to sign off possums -my mother always told me that not only, does the crazy people have the best pills, but you only have three friends in the world-your pocket, God and your front. So, keep your pocket full, pray to God for guidance and take care of your front before it takes care of you!

All rights reserved 2008. Lucresia Linton.

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Sep
10

Anal Sex-Too Shitty??

wowieWhy are only two things that guys beg from a girl when he thinks that he is “in” there ARE a blow job and anal sex.

NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE is going up my ass hole. I have enough trouble KEEPING MY dietary wheat levels HIGH ENOUGH TO GET ALL THAT NEEDS TO GET OUT.

WHY YOU MAY ASK FOR ALL THE HESTITATION?

WELL ….

I got a little weary when my friend told me this story that had happened to her. I am not making this up. Trust me. One day my friend I will call her Bimsy…anyhu, Bimsy and her man, both were feeling a little bit dexterous and decided to have a go at stick something other that toilet paper up her asshole. Well first they lathered up his dick with Vaseline (and no they did not use a condom, which serves them bitches right). So, he sticks it in and she cries aloud in wretched pain. Tee hee. She screams at him that it hurts. But, the fool think that she meant that it hurts as in a good hurt. Then he pushes it in further. Then she yells at him to take it the ass right out. He starts trying to pull it out; only for his penis to get further drawn in. And then she tries to pull her ass up off of him and his penis got stuck (he’s got one of those classic Italian kind that I love-thick and sweet, like Calamato olives). Then finally between his enjoying and her hollering, they finally get his penis out. To his dismay, his penis is full of shit. I love it! Loooove it!

analIf I were a man, I would definitely have to think about the shit-factor, but I guess it is the same for men, if he were to go down and yam out pun puns he think about our java juice all over his lips. In both cases, it is a dirty job, but someone has to do it! And hopefully, do it over again and again and again.

And on top of everything i went online to do some extra research and i found some sites that had actually footage about the act and some of the girls where screaming their heads off.

And why would a guy want to have anal sex anyways? For such a small space wouldn’t that pull the foreskin waay back? And to top it off i found a picture with a girl showing her asshole afterwards, and no lie, her asshole was as larger than an apple.

What is the moral of the story you may ask? Never ever get shit anywhere on your dick.

And to sign off possums -my mother always told me that not only, does the crazy people have the best pills, but you only have three friends in the world-your pocket, God and your front. So, keep your pocket full, pray to God for guidance and take care of your front before it takes care of you!

.

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Sep
09

Do Small Penises Get a Bad Rap?

album_back_big1I think they do and deservedly so (i am not purposely trying to offend all small ones the world over, but it is what it is). You haven’t really had exhausting sex, until you have sex with a small penis. I remember the first time I had sex with a small penis. The reason why I remember it so well was cause instead of getting that nice big rush from the first thrust, I actually felt nothing. It felt like a small hard pencil without the point. I thought that maybe he was trying to titilate me with just using the head of the penis, or even maybe he was trying to be coy. But, I realized I was wrong on both accounts when he started to go back and forth and made some groans.

So, as I started to plan out my grocery list in my head, I used the other side of my brain to say the customary groans at the right place. It was so hard to not to scream out apples and a pound of mince meat at the same time.

When I finished with my grocery list, I went on to the fact that I should of picked up that blouse that was on sale for 25% off or should I wait a couple of more weeks and maybe then it will go for 50% off. And then when that was finished. I said to myself-“that’s what I get for sleeping with this guy too soon.”

I should have at least checked out his credentials. And by checking his credentials I mean-fooling around in his car or on the sofa to check his member out. At least, then I wouldn’t be soo surprised. I mean I’ve had an uncircumcised one, a long one, a thick one, but honey, a small one is in a category all in itself.

I even struggled with the fact that maybe my vagina was too big for a small one, or too wet. But, I thought of all the medium penises I’ve had and I felt them all in me and it was quite nice actually. So here I lay sexing a smuf. I thought that maybe we wouldn’t even have a relationship together and I will be done with ity bity penis and on to my next bigger challenge. But, it was not going to happen.

I actually dated this small penis for another 5 years.

smalAs time went on, I felt that my vagina started to accommodate this new lodger. My vagina definitely started to feel smaller; tighter even. But, inside my head, I longed for that longer and thicker penis. It was an emotional struggle that I wouldn’t wish upon not even my closest enemy. I know you are laughing at me, but trust me, he was so nice (at the time) and the penis was so small (a little longer than my middle finger, if that).

I took time out to contemplate whether I should break up with him or should I tell him and hope that he would understand. Instead I copped out. I couldn’t have the heart to let him know that his nee little willy was not doing it for me. So I decided to try other methods for pleasing myself. At first I tried girl on top, but that did not work cause his dick just couldn’t stretch that far up. Then I tried dick behind the ass, doggy[style, but then my scrumptious but was always in the way. And when he got too excited he kept on drawing his penis out every other moment. Then I tried to side saddle, but as he spooned me it my ass was still in the way. Then I tried on the chair (too high), on an ottoman (too low), on the window sill (too much drama), on the floor (damn those carpet burns).

Maybe if I gave up having sex with him, he wouldn’t even notice, but noticed he did.

“what’s wrong, baby?”

“nothing,” I said. I have an itch that your manhood just can’t scratch. But, I didn’t have the balls to tell him. So, I went somewhere else at times.

Maybe I was been to hard on myself, I mean, I love a big dick, what can I say. When we did get together, it was nice. Saturday- cartoon- kind- of- smurf nice. But, in the end as I laid beside my new big ting on the side, I realized that I missed my small dicked man. I missed the conversation and the fact that this someone was truly there for me. And some how I didn’t trust big dicked man cause chile, I felt that when we walked together he was throwing his dick out to each girl who walked past us like his dick was a flytrap and the girls were the mosquito.

So I decided to go back to my little dicked man. Cause sometimes it is not about the sex, but about the intimate jokes you share, the looks across a candlelight dinner and the midnight run to the local mickie dees just for an vanilla ice cream.

But don’t despair, lambs, all is not lost on the fact that you have or have to deal with a small penis. There are so many positions that you can try. For people with small boomboom, try from behind so that the penis can get the coco from a good advantage. And for all those with huge bottoms, why not sit on top of each other and just rock back and forth. And if all that won’t work, you can always pull out a vibrator and wax yourself off.

And to sign off possums -my mother always told me that not only, does the crazy people have the best pills, but you only have three friends in the world-your pocket, God and your front. So, keep your pocket full, pray to God for guidance and take care of your front before it takes care of you!

.

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Sep
04

What are the 5 mistakes Plus Size Women Make When They Step Out?

letter1- No Girdle

2- Proper Brassiere

3- Etiquette of the proper stance

4- Make-up, nails, basically whatever it takes to complete the package

5- Own it

I remember when I used a long long time ago (thank goodness!) our beloved public transit system and as I sat in between the crying baby and a kid pulling at my coat collar the bus pulled up and there was this girl. You know when you are watching something in slow motion and everything seems to stop, well, this girl came on and Honey, trust me even the little boy stopped his yanking at my collar! There she was all and I am just guessing, 165 pounds of her.

snakeskin280main_570361aHer freshly colored hair, corduroy calf-length skirt, black fitted top, with a pleather coat (and it was definitely the kind that kept you guessing) and red knee-high boots.

She walked to the back of the bus knowing full well that everyone was following the rhythm of her hips. She then sat back made sure she slipped on the seat. And although she didn’t cross her legs they were kept together tight (a definite bonus in leaving the man across her seat something to wonder about)! I sat watching this piece of eye-candy and rushed off (full hair in tact, mind you) and figured out what was it about her that made her stand out. And I came up with the above five mistakes that plus size women and this goes for you slim ones too.

1. No Girdle -This has to be the numero uno, cause just in case you have to go off and can only read the first half of this, I wanted to leave you with this huge mistake.

I, Lucresia, have no qualms in approaching a woman to put on a girdle. We even sometimes exchange numbers so that I can tell her where to buy one.

I remember dancing at a club and this girl wore a top that was a tad fitted with nice slacks. She totally ruled the dance floor. Unfortunately, her stomach rolls ruled along with it! She was gorgeous and I wanted to let her know. So as fate would have it we were in the bathroom together and I let her know, cause I would want someone to let me know and do you know what? She wasn’t even upset. She thanked me and now she is a plus size model.

Ladies, I don’t care how young you are; proper girdle is a key to any wardrobe. I have met young girls who told me that their mother owned one. No dear, big panties are not only for grannies. These panties are the best defense in battling the bulge. They smooth out the curves and give a more, and even enhance those girls with no booty by giving a little lift! Some good ones are available at Wal-Mart and the Hudson Bay Company.

Lastly, don’t listen to all the hype that surrounds some of those girdles. The best I found are the ones that are high-waisted that have a v-shaped reinforced tummy across the front and along the sides. I have seen them at Wal-Mart for approx. $15.00CAD and the Bay has the most wicked skirt girdle that is really slim fitting for about $29.99CAD. It really does smooth out those hips and makes the belly look taut! And a reminder, please don’t buy those ones that end at the knees. I hate them so much! When you wear a clingy skirt or pants-these girdle lines show and frankly, I ain’t having none of that!

Always try on the girdle before you buy. And it should cover you entire belly, ladies, not half! I always buy one a size smaller that what I normally wear cause unlike regular underwear a girdle is supposed to protect the soldier and pull up the ranks! LOL!

2. Proper bra -My mother had this thing when we were out in public she would tell me to “pull up my bra straps, don’t you see that your breasts are loop-sided!”

Now to tell me is one thing, but in front of friends or relatives is quite another. It was always embarrassing and I didn’t catch on until I hit 18 that maybe she was right. I know the days when I had to make the most out of those $5.99 brassieres at Wal-Mart. But, I always made sure that I tried them on first in the change room and pulled them up so the strap buckles matched side by side. You should be able to pull the straps back so that you still feel comfortable. Don’t buy a bra if you find it slipping. After you do my “bounce” test-which is simply bouncing and posing in one spot for 30secs. Your breasts should not spill out craving for its 15 minutes of fame.

I know that you thinking that as grown women you don’t need to be told this, well Suga you’d be surprised…!

ffd3. Etiquette of the Proper Stance -This next line may sound trite and may even make some people angry, but I don’t care! I always pull in my stomach. It is so second nature now that I don’t even gasp for extra air anymore. HAHAHA! I never slouch. Never. But, I have a slight double chin and I naturally would do anything to get rid of it. So when I am in public I always walk chin and breasts first and a tight tummy. I don’t think this action defeats the whole purpose of being a full-figured woman. No dear, it helps it. Every woman loves a little attention. And I am one of them. And remember never ever walk into a room. Strut. Always Strut.

4. Own it!-I hate it when I see a gorgeous curvy woman; looking all fierce-nails done, weave sewn in right. But her toe nails looked like someone mashed it with a cleaver. Man! Ladies you must always remember to complete the package. You can ask all my friends and even my mother, even when Lucresia is nearing brokedom; with no job prospects. I always found money to do my nails and buy new hair. ALWAYS! I did not do this because I am vain; I’m not. Nor, do I do it for the lack of self-confidence. I did this because it makes me feel good and when I feel good the day always looks brighter to me.

5. Last, by never forgotten…Own it! No extensions, false nails, breast minimizer or butt maximizer is going to help you unless you claim it! Make it your own, and never settle for substitutes!

cry

And to sign off possums -my mother always told me that not only, does the crazy people have the best pills, but you only have three friends in the world-your pocket, God and your front. So, keep your pocket full, pray to God for guidance and take care of your front before it takes care of you!

.

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