Nov
26

Good kissers-a tutorial

p1One of my very first big girl kiss was in a closet with a guy in grade 8 ( I am not counting the one with my babysitter’s Maria granddaughter). Anyhu, here I found myself in a stinky ass closet with a boy that came up only to my boobs (to his delight, and my dismay!). I bent over, no….way over and caught a wiff of something, i thnk it was cedar or well and I came to a thought that there is such truth to say that sometimes the upper lips can smell. And thinking back to  I this troll doll I decided to come up with my own HOW TO KISS tutorial.

1. Use tongue sparingly-I hate it when a man just throws the tongue in there as if it is a prerequisite. I remember when I dated this guy in grade 11 and he tongued so much that he wore off my foundation…dear….i wasn’t even wearing any! Bitch licked my face so bad he missed my mouth, took in my lashes, my cheeks and my eyebrows. Nasty! And I thought that at the time when I broke up over the kiss that I was being a bit shallow, but no. And the funny thing was that I got to talking to his ex (the one right after me) and the girl told me that she broke up with him for the same reason-the unforgivable kiss! We laughed and laughed; it just felt good to know that I am not crazy after all.

kiss2. The teeth-Watch out for it. The occasional tap tap is fine, but not all the time. And did I tell you the time when I think I caught gingevitis from a fellow kisser. Not quite the nice situtation to be put in. So make sure whites are pearly and everything is zestfully clean. I know this should be a given, but honey you would be surprised on how many people forget this step.

3. Watch the braces- Invasilgn anyone??? You don’t want to cut your mate up so much that by the time she was done she has a big ass case of herpes or cold sore or something.  Soft kisses. Remember soft kisses.

4. Wash your upper lip- I have kissed many a man who somehting don’t smell quite right. Less like Paco Raban and more like cheese puffs. You ever hear of a saying,”Smell your upper lip?” Well, smell it. Cause it is soo nasty when smells other than your cologne/perfume deters you from the tasks at hand.  And wash that moustache and/or beard too cause that is where the smells come from as well. I once kissed a boyfriend whose moustache smelt like pine. Not Pine sol. Just Pine. Fuck that shit.

5. A little dick is okay-I am not talking a dick in the mouth here. I am talking about letting his john thomas stand up and wave down a cab. It adds to the moment I feel. Makes it quite the steamy.

kis6. Choose the best perfume/cologne with care. I love those exotic slightly musky smells. The kind that gets the man a talking. Loves it. I am perchant to Yves St. laurent Rive Gauche. It smells so snooty and elegant. Like a debutante gone bad.  And make sure to place it like a trail for him to follow.

So that is my kissing tutorial in a nut shell.  It is not brain science, but I am trying to do my part to add to the world and its woes. And remember- GINGEVITIS. That’s all I am saying GINGEVITIS.

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Nov
26

Royal Cock

Quite a feast for the eyes last night. I could not believe my eyes when I stumbled upon a few sites that had pics of Prince Willie’s penis.

Said link here:

http://www.gaydailyhot.com/2008/11/royal-cock.html or http://especiales.revistanueva.com.mx/video02.html

1. I thought it would be much longer. I just figured that him being so limber and tall it would be at least down to his mid-thigh, no?

2. Why wowieoh why would you go pee in the bush??? I thought that he would have at least a chamber maid or something.  He is a celebrity and a royal one at that. And with the dawn of the internet, salacious blogs, not to mention what his father did to his much -loved -by -the- public- mother Price Wee Willy Winkle is fair game, infortunately. Remember Oprah once said that she ws on a walk with Bob Greene in the back bushed of Mississippi, and she had to go pee and he told her to go in the bushes. And while she was peeing, she thought to herself, “Oh my goodness, if the paps were around, they would make so much money.” I gues this is where they get the term shake your money maker! I for one, would never pee in the bush! That is why I don’t do parks….well I do parks, just not camping. And no long dick would get me there either.

3. He is not even cut! I just found out that most royal families aren’t even circumsized!! Diana did not want her sons to be snip snipped. I know I should not be saying this but a lot of my male familiy members aren’t cut either! I only know that cause all the women in my family chat too much! But, a lot of men members end up having to get cut later on-either too much infections or the foreskin was too tight to be pulled back. Yikes!

So am I a little jelly of the future queen of England. No! I have seen better. But all in all you know it is not the girth of a man, but how he uses it. And looking at his father’s track record, I actually feel sorry for the poor willie-I mean Big Willie, not the littler willie, or maybe the big Willie.

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Nov
18

A knife to my vagina in the near future?

biobI I was looking at my vagina the other day in the mirror (don’t ask, don’t tell) anyways and I wondered about aging gracefully. I mean as of right now, my beaver is still plump and I can account for all my bush hairs ( i like a full bush, it is my thing let it go). And it is still all black. And I wondered what would happen many many many many decades from now, okay years, when my vagina won’t look as taunt.  I do try to limit my sexual escapades to only a minimal number a week, in order to keep myself tight down there. And i do my regular exercise of 7 to 10 mins and take my customary 6-8 glasses of water a day.  And I got to thinking about vagina rejeuvenation. If it came to the point when my vagina was going more down south than usually would I do it? I mean I already have a phobia about any sharp thing going to close to my private-as do most people.  So I decided to at least look at pictures of before and after.

And while I won’t place any of the pics here. I did print some off so when I try to fit in more than 1 sexual love session per day, I have something to deter me or at least something to encourage me to always make time to do my exercises. And a last note, I feel sorry for some of these woman cause so of the holes these doctors left behind are so so tiny, that the work is guaranteed to go undone with one quikie. FOR SURE!!!

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Nov
05

Finger in the butt! Hi oh the deri-o a finger in the butt!

pinkSo, I did it. I did it! I stuck my finger up the poor man’s butt!! And he never saw it coming! I think he liked it, or so he said (after I pordded him for a bit).  The jigga looked confused. Or was that elation?? But didn’t stop what he was doing as he was in the state of climax!! I for one, thought that I had did some damage to his pernium (spelling?) cause I kept on jabbing at the thing-softly mind you, as he was about to hit the fan. I feel so amazing! But, it was the first time I leaped out of bed before he did to use the bathroom. I dared not smell my finger. i mean while most men’s penis are prisitine, can his hole of his ass be the same. I mean the sitting room of anyone’s house can be clean, but we all know the amount of junk that people keep in their back yard! So here is some pointers in doing the deed:

1.Make sure that your fingers are manicured real real low. Frig not only the damage that you may to, but your nails could act like scissors to his hemmoroid, which may be a good thing actualy!

2. Maybe you should work the area first with a small dildo. And if he thinks that might be too gay, then dump the bitch, cause in 5 years your sex will wane and he will end the night reading a book than tending to your needs.

fing3. And if you don’t have a dildo, don’t use a bottle, cause then then the cap will pop off and no amount of high  fibre will unclog his ass.

4. Lastly, make sure you know where his hole of his ass is. Cause the screaming that he will be doing from your miscalculation won’t be from your prowess in bed. Try massaging the area first. But then again frig that cause if all these years they can’t find your g-spot then you surely should be forgiven from finding his a-spot.

mmmDamn that Marilyn!!! And to sign off possums -my mother always told me that not only, does the crazy people have the best pills, but you only have three friends in the world-your pocket, God and your front. So, keep your pocket full, pray to God for guidance and take care of your front before it takes care of you!

All rights reserved 2008. Lucresia Linton

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Nov
05

Ask Lucresia question from reader

asklalaLucresia, i had sex with a new guy over a few weeks ago and now I notice that this kind of jelly like substance on my underwear. I so afraid to go to my doctor because I am afraid of what my doc might say. It is not burning. It just looks disgusting! -Scared and confused.
Dear Scared and confused, The only thing on this earth that should worry about seeing how much jelly comes from them is a JELLY FISH!! Now while this might make Spongebob jump with glee; coming from a girl should not! Remember a woman’s juice should always taste and look like fine white wine. Not, curdled milk. And as we know that when milk goes bad no one wants that in there fridge. You should not want that anywhere near your puss puss! So I say get that coochie to your doctor or free clinic pronto.  Good sex, like one should always be in a state of perfection and nothing should stand in your way to have it! LOV, Mois
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