How to tell that you and yours truly is getting played and played hard. AS you know that no one wants to leave baby in the corner, no way!!!-I was in the shower yesterday and I was thinking about some of the most influential women in my life. Now this is by no means a short list because at different times I find myself adding more on to it. But, there came a time when a small group in their own way came together all at once and help literally change my life and how I view relationships with not only others, but with myself.

I was going through what seemed like a revolver door of relationships. There seem like a time when I put many a person on a pedestal. I was exhausted of the chow chow bull and felt drained spiritually. And we all know that once you are drained in that way, everything seems to slowly fall apart. Fast! I just came out of a series of relationships where both sides were being played. I remember praying to GOD to help me find a way to a new sounder me. I went to my local book store and to it’s self-help section. This was when no one was in the self-help section (now it is all crowded). Usually they say that you should never search outside yourself for the answers, but whomever said that had social phobia. I remember reading Iyanla Vanzant.  i am not sure how her book came to me, but it somehow just flew off the shelves. It is true about GOD, he always brings the teacher around when the student is ready.

Babe, she had some powerful words for me. Somehow this woman reached into my core and pulled what was left out to be examined. For the first time I wanted to get ahead in the book. But, she wouldn’t let me. There were times that I was stuck in one section for a month will I had to work on myself. She was one of the first people to make me realize that I was being at times gullible at acquiring and keeping love.  It was a bitter pill to swallow. How is that a woman way older than me could go through the same things. I related on all kinds of levels. I came to realize that no matter what walk of life we chose we are all cut from the same cloth.  She was abuse, cheated and scorned, but lived to tell it all. So too I.

I found myself feverishly reading everything I could get my hands on by this author. With me it was never about self-confidence. I always had that. My mother made sure to instill that me from an early age. It was about how I viewed other. If one that I learned from her was that “PEOPLE ALWAYS SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE FROM FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM.” Now I tried to go out on a limb and give people the benefit of the doubt, but that is where my down fall lies. A person should gain your trust FIRST and then let everything fall into place. I was always giving the trust without having the person in my life earn it. By doing this I was setting the relationship up for  fail, cause I was always putting my all in the guy. We both didn’t stand a chance. If he was a cheater, my friend he shall always be. And when you find out that he cheated on you, why act so surprised? My butt crack! He is a jigga! Or if your friend has a way of chatting ferociously behind ones back, whose to say she ain’t gonna do it to you. Et tu Brutus??  A leopard never ever changes their spots.

Possums, let me tell you a story. I once had a friend let’s call her Boots. Well, Boots used to throw insults at me every time she could. But, because we were friends it was suppose to look like playful jabs. At least to me that is what it seemed like, until a friend of mine let me know that she strongly felt that Boots was secretly jealous of me. I didn’t get it. I was a size 12-14 and with big, an ass that wouldn’t quit. A nice head of hair and …um…maybe I can see it now. Anyways, later on the jabbing never stopped, but I always thought back to what that friend told me. Well, one day Boots wanted me to get into this amazing scheme she got herself into. I realized then what little she thought of me. “oh but it would be amazing way for you to get money, for you and your daughter!” and “oh you can trust me.” And even when I asked her if it was a scheme, bitch said, “NO!” Eff that shit! She too was a jigga! See leopard never changes, possums. Blaze that in solid gold!

I also realized that somehow I was equating sex with love. And really they are two separate things. I try to teach young people coming up behind me that sex is also an emotional thing-at least on the female side. If you don’t know this you are in for a big surprise.