Feb
08

Try not to get played (part deux)

Did I ever tellbiob you the time when this trifflin’ beeyotch and her trollop friends tried to burn my new weave on the dance floor over a stupid guy! Forget the fact that he was really good in bed. Or that he could gobble up a tantalizing fish in ten languishing divine minutes…but that later on…But, maybe he wasn’t really that great in bed; thinking back on it. He was man pretty. That’s it! His man-prettiness got the best of me and that made me delusional in thinking that he was good in bed. I mean a diamond last forever, but man-pretty is for an eternity. Anyhoo, I took a woman’s man. Or at least I didn’t know that I did cause they had broken up and then gotten back together after the fact; both of which I did not know. I should have known something was up when all of the sudden he wasn’t bad mouthing her no more (sign from the heaven’s no.1).

Signs from the heaven’s no.1(A small detour):

1. A jigga does something stupid I raise my eyebrows once.

2. A jigga does something trifflin’ I raise my eyebrows twice.

3. A jigga does something so out and out shady I raise my eyebrows thrice. And then jigga strikes out!

eyeI have a three eyebrow rule as you read above. I don’t know. I have the ability of raising one eyebrow on its own. It is an acquired taste. Trust me! But, it can be learned.. Just hold your other eyebrow down while raising the other one. I learnt it from a babysitter when I was twelve. Thank-you Uncle Dean! Anyways, I don’t know it just goes up when something is either up or he be doing me wrong. For some women their titay itches or drips whatever, pour moi my eyebrow goes up.  Now back to those trifflin’ hoes.

So I went with my new boyfriend who technically was my fiance cause he asked me to marry him and we went to a club that those trollops like to frequent. Well, why waste a bunch of dapperness, cause honey we both looked so good, so me and my man went to the club and straight on to the dancefloor. So there we were dancing when I felt my ass-kicking radar kick in. Something told me to turn around as I danced and low and behold was one of her trolls with a cigareet (yes I spelled it right) waving it around this close to my weave. But, then she quickly turned around. So I gave the woman the benefit of the doubt.   So I busted another move and turned northwest only to see another gremlin waving a cigareet as if she was hailing a cab, too close. Waay close, to my head. And then she turned around, too.

Signs from the heaven’s no.2 (Another small detour):

1. Do not I repeat do not mess with a woman’s weave. It means everything; once .

2. Do not I repeat do not mess with a woman’s weave. It means everything; twice.

3. Do not I repeat do not mess with a woman’s weave. It means everything; thrice.

So I did another dance move only to see her Supreme Highness de Beeyotch with a cigareet too, weave1holding it waay close to me, trying to get access into my beloved weavedom. But, bitch did not turn around so I went right up to her and said if you want to burn my man for go right ahead, but, if you burn me and my weave Bitch it is on! She tried to yell over the music at me, but I was not even hearing it.  Only to find out that bitch was sleeping back up with my man behind moi’s back! Honey my eyebrow almost went into near overdrive!!!

So the moral of the story is yes, not only does the crazy people carry the good pills, but if jigga always shows he is a jigga then let him fly away. That means his dick did not carry e-nuff weight to hold him down. You can always go and find yourself another jigga, but my pets, a good piece of weave, a really exquisite piece of weave is something a girl should hold on too. Luv,L.

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Feb
05

Cherry popped.

ballahI was doing a quick census the other day and asked a lot of people do they remember the time when they got their cherry popped or their banana skinned. I mostly encountered fits and giggles. Everyone looked up to the ceiling with a “ah-ah”moment on their face. Like they were treasuring something big and grand. Only to found out deeper that it was way far from that.

And then I got the tables turned on me and  a lot of people wanted to know if I remembered when I got my Cherry popped.

Well honey after all this time my cherry is now a kiwi… a tasteful kiwi. So for the risk of my friends tearing me a new ass’ole I decided to regal you with my story.

Four scores and seven years ago, your foremother got her cherry popped on a cold and not a lonely brisk day in september.  Never mind my age (in case my mother really does read this).  Anyhu, I remember when I got my cherry popped. Not that long ago (my family may check this)…yes so not that long ago.

I tell kids all the time that sex is not all what its cracked up to be. Your first time is awful.  As a girl (you guys are probably young when you do decide to do this), you have to fake your orgasm (and you better get this faking right cause honeychile you are going to have to fake it alot …forever). and then he is not really gonna know where it is so his willy is gonna be poking you everywhere as he tries to get it in.

And get ready for this-It may go up your ass!

cherDon’t be alarmed if that happens just ask him to withdraw quickly. If he is too excited to hear then a quick shove will do. This will probably be the only area you don’t want anyone to make a deposit! Unless you are gay, then good for you!

And then you may have body issues and have all the lights turned off and that is never good! Cause you are definately gonna get poked in the ass or the belly button or your knee.  And then you may feel compelled if not actually forced to perform head. But I warn you if you do it once chile ……they will be begging you to do this forever, too! Not, that I know personally. It is just a for instance.

And then you have to think of the places where you have to do it-the rec room, your bedroom, the basement hallway at school.But I will give you some lasting advice, don’t try the washing machine cause it is way to high up and don’t try the bathtub cauce the water will eventually dry you all up… The best place is yor parents room.  Try your parents bed. I did. And honey it was fabulous. They have the better mattress, the better sheets and probably have the better entertainment system in their room so you can unwind to one of my videos afterwards. Also, they most likely have a goody drawer or a goody armoire. Another good place if you feel too guilty is the basment at home cause most people have really good lighting down their with home theatres being as popular as they are. And if you haven’t had your cerise or banana fondled with don’t go using your parents bedroom cause Honey that is too weird even for me and I am always up for a little freaky deeky.

But I digress.

My first time. It was dry. It was quick. It was protected (my mother may read this). And looking back predictable. So when you younguns are at it…just turn to each other and say, “Darn it Lucresia was SO right!”

P.s. any schools that want me to talk about sex please contact me. I draw real good pictures and can bring my finger puppets if you want.

p.p.s. See Micheal I told you that I can keep a secret. Ain’t no one gonna find out from here that you lost it to our gym teacher. And that you told your mother that it was food poisoning when you poo-pooed for three whole days. Not from me. No way.

Luv always,

L

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