Apr
30

Using Secret To Masturbate No 2

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Okay so I completed my little experiment-the one about masterbating to your dream guy and using the principles of The Secret.

And it worked!!!

…..Kinda…..

So as you know that I masturbated to monsieur George Clooney to test my theory and you would never believed what happened!

When it first happened I didn’t notice the co-win-ki-dink until the 3rd time.

What happened you ask??

TheSecretCDWell, I was in Wal-Mart after a marathon session when I had to walk down the aisle that was full of boxes. I guess they were for the night time staff. So as I was walking a guy bumped into me twice. Upon the second time of bumping into me, he suggested that since we seem to always be on top of each other that maybe it could happen more often if I gave him my phone number!!

WTF???

I quickly said no, I was married (I am not by the way, if you are just tuning into my life). And he was like “no problem we can friends”. And I was like, “no!!”

And then the second time, I was at the gas station when another gentleman tried to ask me out. I was like no, but I did notice he did have nice shoes, a clean car and was using the expensive gas.

That same day at the place where I like to indulge in succulent chicken and fried rice, a man tried to get not only my number and actually tried to get behind me. And I was like; whoa I don’t do that sort of thing without dinner and drinks first!geo

All of these men had one thing in common-they all had the gray hair, a strong resemblance and were the same height as Mr. George!!!!

Again, (all in unison) WTF!!!!

So I should be flattered, no? They were alright, but they ain’t no George Clooney!!!!

Maybe I focused too much on George’s gray hair and that is why all the older gentlemen. Or maybe there is a new fad of the older white man and the younger really hot black girl

So I guess you can apply the principles of the secret to masturbation in order to get your dream guy but let it be said-be careful what you wish for and focus on.

Maybe next time I should try it to one of his movies.

george_clooney_01Masturbation-3d style!! Loves it!!!

Ciao possums, Lucresia

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Apr
25

Using The Secret to Masturbate To

linton You know the book The Secret?

No?

Think “wishing to get on one of Oprah’s give-away shows and actually getting on it“. That’s The Secret in a nutshell. I was browsing through the self-help section in Chapters Bookstore the other day, when I came across the book and had this wildly fantastic idea!secret

Can you apply the principles of The Secret to masturbation in order to get your dream guy?

I know I know, crazy right? But, stay with me here. Let me take it a step further-Do you think that if you masterbate to someone famous and/or to your ideal guy that they will eventually manifest in your life?

I mean, tecgeorge_clooney_swimminghnically that would be using the tips from THE SECRET, no??

Instead of using one of those “inspiration” boards you can actually clip out a picture of a famous person. You would then have to picture the person and then imagine mind-blowing sexual tirades.

Often.

So often, in fact that eventually they would manifest in your life.

And you must be very detailed.

Me and George eating out at a restaurant. Him buffeting on my buffet. We eating out in his private jet, or having a buffet at his house in Lake Como, etc. It would be Terence Howard, but I had my share of Puerto Rican-Black guys(which will definately be the basis of at least 25 blog posts), so hell to the no!! Or maybe he could watch!

I wonder how long you would have to do it for?

It worked for Angelina Jolie.

shiloh-Jolie-Pitt-BabyYou can’t tell me that girl did not have some strong fantasies about Mr. In the Pitts during the making of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  Presto wammo, she took him away, breed from him and is living the high, but tiring life.

I am gonna make this my dream job; my new mission in life. Teaching people to masterbate to their ideal person for the purpose of manifesting them into their reality. Maybe it is my calling. I can hold classes in one of those big convention centres and sell tapes on T.V. And get dentures a la Tony Robbins (and I ask you what the F is up with his teeth? They are mesmerizing!)

Or maybe I will just keep it local.

I wonder how many people would sign up?

brad_jen_wideweb__430x309I bet Jennifer Aniston would.

And in signing off possums, you must remember that yes it is true that the crazy people carry the best pills, but also if you have a really good health care package you can get some awesome medicinal ganga for your smoking pleasure!

Ciao,Lucresia

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Apr
19

I Shall ONLY Sleep with George Clooney

I have yet to hbefunky-1ear anything back from the doc so maybe that is a good thing. No? I love my breasts. If I knew that they wouldn’t pull down my site due to pornography I would post a pic of them. Sure they are a little on the biggish side, but I would not consider them saggy. I did the pencil test (where you hold the pencil under your boobies to see if they hold) and I am glad to tell you all that both pencils, pens and some erasers did not fall down. At the same time,too.

*SIGH* if I knew that I would have to wait so long for an answer or have to go through this all I would have done more with my breasts. I would have done Playboy. I mean, surely Playboy must need a parts model, as I know that they wouldn’t accept all of me because I am a bit on the biggish side. But, in my defense at least the most important part that they would need of me is BIG and they are real!

I would have made a good stripper, too. I would have been like Miz Dita Von Teese and wore tassles on them. And although the tassles would kind of point downwards, still it would be quite the show. I could also be used in after pictures for cosmetics doctors. If a black woman did not want to show her AFTER I would be a shoe-in. And I never even got to wear them with no bra. Their nipples already stand on end, but can you imagine if they were able to be free and bounce. And bounced they would!

Lord, please let everything be okay with me. I promise I will stop being so shallow, think about myself and my breasts and all my other body parts. I won’t put my career before anyone and anything. And I won’t sleep with any more stupid people, I won’t overeat and I will start treating my body as a temple.

clooney-buttOkay, I am not going to start lying to you cause I know you see everything….so I will keep talking about myself, and my body parts…. I may overeat just a little more, I have no real career….YET…BUT I will stop sleeping with people who are not worth a dry dot in my piss pot….not even if they look like George Clooney.

Though, perhaps….ONLY if it is George Clooney. I know you would understand that one!!!

In Jesus Name.

From Lucresia, your daughter that has you on speed dial!

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Apr
19

Folklore and All that Good Stuff

I was in the process of beautifying myself so I went to get my nails done. When I placed my purse on the floor between my legs. I then heard my mother’s voice (God rest her soul) speak to me.

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Okay, before I go on, I must confess

  1. My mother is still alive.
  2. Please God still rest her soul cause the woman is getting on my nerves!

She said, “Lucresia, pick up the bag off the floor; you know it is bad luck.”

So, I did this and I did this swiftly. I did not want the wrath of all my ancestors on me. And this got me thinking of superstitions and folklore.

They also say when you spill salt, you must throw the salt over our right shoulder. If you break glass, you are actually breaking someone’s crosses over you (this is soo true!!!). I find that after I have an argument with someone I accidentally break a glass! They say that it breaks their evil eye on you. They say that when you enter your house after midnight, that you should enter backwards so that you could see if any evil spirits are going in behind you. Also, they say ( who are THEY???) that when you get poo on your hands that money is coming your way.

Firstly, I don’t want you guys holed up in the bathroom

Secondly, what I want to know is, when you really need the money, does it count when you wipe your own ass?

Luv, L

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Apr
19

About Micheal Minott

sun

I start this post with a heavy heart. My aunt called me yesterday, with the sad news that a close friend of the family had passed away. I was at Indigo Bookstore at the time of the call and when she told me my knees actually buckled under with shock.

HE was only 19 years old.

It saddens me, even more because he left behind two small children. It was such a senseless murder. He being 19 and his killer being 21 years old.

I remember micheal when he was a baby. I actually remember when his mother was carrying him. I was so young at the time, but i remember him as a child that had such a zest for life-a curiousity really.

He just might possibly be buried on his birthday next week.

Now we may never know your true potential, but what I do know that for the short time he was here he touched many lives and left endearing memories.

Micheal Minott 1989-2009

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Apr
13

My Boobs Were Too Big for the Mammogram

img001_smMy word!!! I shant not lie! So I had an appointment for a mammogram. And I was waiting and waiting. And if I wasn’t focusing on waiting then I was praying . I felt so uneasy. I just kept on going over and over in my mind all that I still wanted to do. I wanted to release my first major album, move to the Paris, buy an apartement, participate in a fivesome. Okay not the last one, but you get the deal, my mind was occupied!

So finally they called my name and I had to sit in one of the booths and was told to take off my bra and top and leave everything on. So I took off what she said and waited inside the booth. You wouldn’t believe what I overheard….

Okay the x-ray tech was like “Mr. Wilson. I told you did not have to take off your pants and top. We are only x-raying your hand.”

Or the best one was-”Okay Mrs. Keele please take off your top and your bra and leave on everything else”

And this old lady voice replied shakily,”Dear I don’t wear a bra.”

And the tech goes,”Alright then. Okay, you go ahead with that.” I don’t even know how I would answer that!

Anyways, so finally my name was called and I was told to bring my purse with me. So I followed this cute little brunette in the room. So I stood in front of the machine and I had to stand still, as she took my heaving breasts on top of the glass slide. And I guess we were the same height, but she was struggling as if it was a puppy sensing it was about to have a bath. She pulled at it as if it had a no life; as if I wasn’t attatched to it. And then I had to curve my arms over in a special way over the machine.

And on top of all that I had to hold my breath.

rightBreast2So then the machine kept on friggin up. And I was told that my breasts were so big. Or maybe it was the machine, but she was pissed cause there was no one else to help her. The woman had to do each titty like 5 times. I am so not lying! Slippety slip they both went. She pushed and pulled and prodded my big ole tittys into the thing AND then the machine would go down. And then I looked down and there they were squished like a pancake. It hurt-like I was breast-feeding a big grown 30 year old man!

Fed up, the girl dropped the boob.

Then I was left in the room, alone to contemplate life as she went to see if she had to adjust the machine more to accomodate my big ole tittays. But, no she came back and led me back to my booth. And on my way out I saw my breast film on the lightbox-all amplified. They looked hot! Larger than life! I actually got tingles. I was like my tittays look so good even on the inside.

Girl, shut-up!

No seriously they looked so good! But, don’t think that any of this is light to me. I just have to keep it light and positive. I lurve my breast and I plan to show them off more in the future GOD willing!

And so in the end, I have to think about the moral of the story which is not only does the crazy people carry the good pills, but don’t ever pass on a box of cracalbum_back_smker jacks, cause you never know what prize you are going to get. Especially while you are on the pills. And make sure that the pills are good, too. And now I am off to my the doctor tomorrow to open my legs. No surprise there. And if the nurse is there, it would be a threesome with little to no effort.

I’m just saying.

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Apr
13

Please fight and pray for me

biobSorry that I haven’t posted up in a while. And you must know that if you didn’t hear from mois then you know that something has come up, cause you know I am addicted to putting my ideas and mois out there.

I was reading about Jade Goody’s fight with cancer and it made me wonder if I should go and get myself checked out. I am a self-professed hypochondriac. I live to prove doctor’s wrong and love to bug my doctor about my many ailments. From the age of fourteen I remember going to my doctor and have him give me a look when I booked an emergency appointment for A PIMPLE! I don’t know what was his problem a pimple was emergency for me!

Anyhu, I was sad that day even though I didn’t know her, but I knew her story. No matter what she was human and a mother. A soul. And like many women before her, she humanized this disease and got us talking about it. And then I thought about her soul and wondered if I was cutting my life short. Was I doing my soul justice living how I am living. Am I truly happy and what is happiness? Am I living my life they way I dreamt of when I was a teenager with no responsibilities. I don’t think that my goals have changed much. But, anyways I was in a funk and determined to at least get myself check out.

So I went to the doctor’s and I asked him for a mammogram. And the bitch had the audacity to say to me and not so much ask me-why should I do a mammogram if there is no history of cancer in my family.

WTF???!!!

I said to him I wanted one.

And he gave me a look.

So instead he gave me an ultrasound, but only after I gave him one of my Lucresia Looks(and it ain’t pretty, and normall I use this in the dark when I am pissed if I haven’t climaxed).

Epilogue

So I am sitting at the doctor’s office cause I got a message that I needed to be seen right away. And the man couldn’t even look me in my face when they found two lumps in my breasts.

I let his voice linger.

I let it lingered on because I wanted it to permeate through the air. Did I mention that he couldn’t even look me in my face.

rightBreast21So that is my I have not been in such a writing mood. I don’t even feel like thinking. I don’t even feel like having sex. But, I am still eating. I am always eating. If I had a girlfriend right now, she would be sooo happy that I am in such a feasting mood.

And the moral to this story my pets is too live live to the fullest. Question yourself if you are doing your soul justice in this life. If you don’t like your life make steps to change it. You must. And also, if you ever get a chance….STICK IT TO THE MAN!

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