I was having dinner with my mom yesterday, and I realized that when a finally have a good contender-an amazing man who counts and is not a passing thing. He will meet my mom and then look at her. They say that if you want to know what your future wife is going to look like twenty-five years down the road then look at her mother.
I looked at my mother wolfing down her food, some of the pieces falling out the side of her mouth.
Whoes me.
I love Drew Barrymore. What is there not to like. She likes to smoke a blunt, like me . She goes from guy to guy, like me. She likes to re-taste her leftovers from time to time, like me. She experienced a difficult childhood, like me. I SO wish I had a mom to take me to clubs at nine where I could smoke and start coke. Maybe I would have went crazier sooner than later.
Okay, maybe one day that will be funny. Maybe,not. But, I digress.
I was on the toilet hungry, getting mad at myself that I can’t even cheat on this diet. What is there left, moss? Anyhoo, I look up and there she is Drew Barrymore staring me in the face. She was on the cover of an old magazine in an African basket that I got from Wal-Mart. It compliments my Zebra shower curtains. Seeing Drew smiling at me, at first I was a little angry because I was so hungry and when I am hungry I get irritated by all I see. But, then I thought of a deeper message that her smile gave me.
If you take a look at her career and her childhood, this girl might not have stood a chance. We all know about the Barrymore curse. She probably would have made it anyways but, who knew if she was going to keep her career up. And when I look at her and see all that she has become, it not only makes me proud but, teaches me a lesson in reinvention.
We could all use some reinvention from time to time. I asked myself, “where did she get her strength from?”
Where do we all get our strength? I don’t think it ever goes away. I think that it is like an energy source, you can always draw from it. This girl went from Hollywood child star to piranha and now producer/actress mogul. When the going gets tough, the tough needs a changing. What do you hate in your life? I know people in my life that are fantastic dreamers. I am one of them. But, then there comes a time when you have to put action behind the doing
I think the whole point of the book “The Secret” wasn’t to make us think that there is a mystical process out there for us to follow. It was to remind ourselves to start dreaming again and stop focusing on the negative. This thinking in itself is not radical. What is radical is that you’d be surprised 
on how many people are not clear on their goals. Just because you are clear on your wishes and dreams does not mean that you are clear on your goals. The easiest way to get clear on your goals is to ma p out a clear and quick route to get you there. Don’t forget to draw in alternate routes. Once you are clear on your goals, the trick is to put constant action behind it. It is as simple as that. You want the lover of your dreams? Yes, you can cut pictures and placed them on a board and dream all you might. However, if you don’t go out on dates, work on you, and get clear on the attributes you want them to have, then possums to no avail nothing may happen. But, if you put action behind the deeds the returns will be a hundredfold.
What is a Curveball?
According to Wikipedia.org:
“When throwing a curve, the pitcher creates a downspin by rolling his or her palm and fingers over the top of the ball while releasing it. The direction of the break depends on the axis of spin on the ball. There are many variations of the curveball, but most are described in terms of their movement when superimposed on a clock.
The spin of a curveball moves in the opposite direction. This spin causes a curveball to “break”, or drop down and sweep horizontally as it approaches home plate, thus frustrating the batter.
Exactly.
Whatever.
When I think of anything to do with balls, I think of the penis, cause that’s how I do.But, what happens when the penis shows signs of curving?
I remember when Stupida told me about…let’s call him Pipps. Well, eventually after the customary days of dating and phone calls, the relationship started to get hot and heavy. While on the phone, Pipps mentioned to Stupida that he had a curve. He meant his penis. While, she thought to herself, “why would he bring up the fact that he owned the Blackberry Curve in the middle of phone sex”?
Then Stupida met the penis.
The penis was one of those skinny ones that reminded her of a cooking spoon-slim all the way up and the top had all the substance. She also notice that it kind of smelled like pine trees, but then he did live with his mother and it could have been Pine Sol, the cleaning agent. What did strike her the most about the penis was the fact that it had a serious bend to it. Now it wasn’t curled up like a sufi slipper. It was more like a pasta 
spoon…without the holes and claws.
“Are you sure that it just wasn’t the way he laid on the bed?” I said.
“Nope, it’s curved,” she said.
“Are you sure it wasn’t the lighting in the bedroom? Lighting has a way of casting a weird shadow on such things,” I said.
“No, it’s curved,” she replied.
“Even, when he stands up?” I asked.
“Hold on a second,” she replied, “yep, it is definitely curved!”
“Girl, are you actually in his house right now!” I scream.
“Yes, and I have to go because he is getting suspicious…”she whispers.
“Ya, think? Just flush the toilet and tell him that dinner gave you the runs. Bye nerd,” I said before I hung up.
Later, Stupida told me that not only working on this type of penis was hard, but that she received a mysterious yeast infection too.
Maybe it wasn’t Pine Sol after all.
So possums, what is the best way to have sex with such a penis? I don’t think that one should mount it at all. It can be extremely painful if you try to hop on it. Sex should never feel like a pap smear! And don’t forget the possible slippage in between thrusts. In midst of passion, he can ram that mother back in, which for him is all good, but why does a 16th century jousting pole come to mind? Ouch!
I think the missionary is probably the best. You can actually grab down and insert it in a way that is comfortable to you. Kind of like a living and breathing tampon. If you do it from behind, he may be tilted too far to the left and you to the right an
d from a fly’s position on the wall, you both look like arrows on a compass! I feel with a curved penis if it is enter from behind and juts you in the ass or the vagina too harshly he will be to far away to slap him! And I guess this will all depend how big you booty is.
Sometimes possums, I wish that there was a meat tenderizer for the penis; then you can shape it any way you want.
“No one will send me dresses,” she says. “Designers loan size 2 or 4 samples to actresses, 
but I’m not that size.
It’s like I’m a freak because I’m curvy and I can’t squeeze into those things. I’ve had some problems with that.”
Poor ting.
Forget Megan Fox. I love this woman!
I adore it when a woman sets a different public standard for what is beauty. This woman is a knockout! I can’t wait for the day when people stop referring to her and those like her shapes as being “old Hollywood” and refer to it as being the norm. In fact, I hope for the day when it is never mentioned again. It is just is.
Primitive Sex.
Do you remember it?
I am not talking about House and the Prairie- kind-of -sex I am talking about cavemen and cave women kind- of- sex.
Barbaric sex.
Sex that is at its most raw between two people who love or are in lust with each other.
Today, sex is all about drowning out the fake cries of passion from a porno playing in the background because Jigga thinks that it adds to the little ambience that his very bare bachelor apartment with the most heinous bathroom you could imagine. Not like this happened to me. It is just a for instance.
But, I digress.
Mmmn…the movie, “Alexander”. Delicious!
This movie reminds you to strip each other bare. Get down to the basics. No music, no nothing, just fire. Each thrust brings a loud noise of appreciation of rawness. The music of loud sucking, thrusting, kisses et al, should permeate through the air. Remember, passion should be taken to a whole other level.
And remember, back in those times they did not know how to speak any English, but I bet those bitches knew how to make crazy sexy love!
Silk pants- for him…c’est tout!
A robe- for her something preferable soft that could be torn off at a moment’s notice. You can use a Chinese silk robe or a fur throw. Any hint of skin is good. It ain’t going to stay on that long anyways.
Fire- fireplace or candles are a good substitute and if you are outside and far away, you can use tiki lamps.
Bed-The bed should be dressed. You can dress the bed in Indian sheets and use colorful pillows for decoration…or throwing. You can place multiple fur throws all over the bed. Have you ever felt something soft against the skin when you are making love? Trust me, it is formidable! Make sure it is fake fur though. We are eco-intuitive at lucresialinton.com. We are not into skins, unless it is yak hair.
Make-up-Girls this is the time you have been waiting for! Break out the mascara wands and the eye pencils, it is on! Make sure to kohl up the entire eye. This is not the time to be shy. Just make it look good. And make sure it is water proof cause if he does a good job, there will be tears, honey. There will be tears.
Jewelery: Arm bracelets are good, rings, you can even go as far as to wear some bling in your hair. 
The people from 
that time believed in the adornment of the body. Your body should only be sexy to him. Who cares if you have a belly. If you own your body, it will come off as being sensual.You can use the jewelery that belly dancers use.
What To Do:
You have just been married off to this son of a bitch who you find attractive, but you don’t want to give in to him. You must not show any sign of weakness.
I don’t know if it is the yak rug or the candles. I can almost smell the incense burning in their room.
He is a lion and you are his tamer. Do you notice he wants to devour her, but almost on her terms? This was a man who conquered many lands, and men and women.
Now it is time for the throw down. Your gazes should be penetrating. You should see inside each other’s soul. Chase each other around the room. Pretend to make hissing sounds. Go wild! Not every man is game for this experience, but when they see the room, and all the effort, all bets are off! Honey, they will be game.
Do not slap back, men! Obviously!
And remember ladies, love taps!
And men, don’t forget to say “You are my sun”.
The other night I was watching a movie called “The Linda McCartney Story” when I had a thought- I wish that I could find a love like this.
To be a driving force behind someone is not easy, especially when you are forced into that role. When you are a single mother, as she was, doing her own thing as a photographer and then to be thrust into the limelight by replacing the 
other half of the Beatles (she replaced John, you could tell him and Paul were soul brothers) it must have been quite daunting. What I adore about this love was that they pushed each other to grow. No one took a back seat in this relationship.
Obviously, Beatle Paul was more famous, but when he was depressed about the break-up, she told him to suck it up. And when he wanted to return to the music world, he anointed her his keyboardist. The woman did not know how to play! Not a single note. 
He taught her a few chords and the band “Wings” was 
formed. After Wings, he continued to give us music that was inspired by his new life (“My Love”, and “Maybe, I’m Amazed”), while she went on to become a frozen food veggie queen. Together they managed their many charities.
They were billionaires and raised their kids in a two bedroom home on the country side (Britney Spears needed this shite)! And when she fell ill with cancer he kept up a brave face for his beloved and the world.
I think th
at is why he never had a pre-nup with Heather Mills. I think that he felt that if the Universe sent him two prior soul mates, why not one more? And although this marriage ended badly, you have to give it to it Paul for always trying again.
So, relationship to covet would be Linda and Paul McCartney. I think theirs was a love we all should wait for.
Hey possums, I was in downtown the other day and hit the mother load. Someone sold all their Livingetc. Magazines and I bought them all. So much so that the owner gave me a huge discount!
There was one issue in particular that I loved. I actually got house envy. 
Tatjana Patitz, if you remember, was one of the original supermodels. She now lives in Malibu with her four-year-old son Jonah.
Tatjana still models, but now focuses on charities.
Let’s see what kind of feelings you get when you look at her house. I am referring to the fact that when you look at her surroundings you can actually see her soul.
True?
Pics source: Living Etc. Magazine
Lucresialinton.com is a blog by Jazz singer, Lucresia Linton about God, sex, relationships, men, women and love. Lucresia Linton's aim is to reach, teach, squeeze, inspire, and learn from the world. Miss Linton is looking to talk with like-minded individuals in the hope that somewhere out there is a depth-defying, soul shaking love.
The truth?
One day Miss Ava turned to her and told her that she heard all her stories.
Every single one.
Heartbroken, Lucresia Linton decided to turn to the internet. She believes that if God gives you lemons, then you must order your very rude child to make you a pitcher of lemonade and go find an audience elsewhere!
Miss Linton lives by the motto- "Let your life be a testimony to all that walk the face of the earth."
Miss Linton wants you to know that yes, she thought of that quote all by herself!
*Yes, Miss Linton likes to call her friends, "Possums". She has to have a nickname for everything! She was already using "Beaver" for something else.
***Yes, Miss Linton welcomes all comments, but if they are rude then don't bother. She is a sensitive soul, in other words, irrational, and she will put you in a web cock-hold without given it a moment's thought!
à toute à l'heure!
Possums,
Come do moi and I will do you at twitter.com/lucresialinton
See you then.
L.
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