Jul
28

My Journey Back to Skinny Jeans-The New Scratch I Needed To Be Itched

pencilDid I tell you that my “good cholosterol’ is low?

The stupid doctor (yes, he is stupid to me, I need someone to hate. I am hungry at night!) told me to start taking Niacin, cause he said that my “good cholesterol” is low.

But, let me tell you that I took all my 7 tablets that he told me to take and then took this niacin jamieson-niaplex-95-niacin-inosi_1237234757_LRGtablet for the first time. I turned around and made myself a cup of coffee and sat down on the computer. All of the sudden, the back of my head and neck start to itch like it was on fire!

“I know I washed my scalp, yesterday?”I said to myself.  I had gotten new finger nails so I had plenty of ammunition to work with. Then my back started to itch and my face started to feel hot.

By now I am freaking out! I run to the bathroom and in the bright light I catch my face in the mirror and it looks red.

Not even regular red.

Hella red.

Do you remember I am black?

I did!

And then I look down at my arms and they are flaming up to. I run back to my desk itching and scratching my legs and I am starting to do a jig at my seat while sitting down.

I start typing in “Niacin’s side effects” in the computer. I find out that there is a thing called Niacin flushing. According to all of these sources online (except my doctor):

“Many people have experienced the annoying, sometimes downright painful sensation of niacin flush”

OR

“will experience red torso, back, arms and legs and may itch violently for 30-60 minutes or up to six hours”

OR

“the flushing will heighten if you drink hot beverages after taking it.”

I almost regurgitated my hot coffee back up.

“Miss, Linton, I have no way of knowing what you may experience in due course of taking said pill, but if you feel that you have overdosed as your message has stated, please go to your nearest hospital. But, I assure that this side effect will pass,” says the doctor after I left him a dirty and terrifying message.

And then after his message, I read on another site:

“The second reaction of niacin flush is the annoying, and sometimes painful itch that comes along with it. This itch is actually healthy!”

Jigga what did I just read??

“The second reaction of niacin flush is the annoying, and sometimes painful itch that comes along with it. This itch is actually healthy! It’s important to note that this niacin flush is not harmful or dangerous.”

cappilary1Forget that!

I turn on my air conditioner and jump into the shower for 30 minutes. When I come out the itching is gone from my head, but it is still everywhere else!

I just realized to myself that the only thing that should be flushing is my toilet and its contents.

So then, my guest comes along, let’s call him Zesty, for a little visit (okay maybe a visit for him, booty- call for me). And then he sees me trying not to itch and then he is like-“what’s wrong?”

And I am like, “Nothing.”

Thniacinen he looks over my shoulder and there is a huge amount of pills (which are vitamins) on my counter and he is looking at me all suspicious-like.  By now, I can’t help but to itch and almost collapse in convulsions on the floor. When he ask me why am I itching. I tell him I took a drug call Niacin. A drug that this man, Zesty, has never even heard. He didn’t even believe me that it was to increase my “good” cholesterol. And that why is a young woman  my age have to worry about any cholesterol and am I sure that is what causing me to itch.

Jigga What???@@?

I tell the Jigga on his way out that he better get TESTED! Before what ever I gave him leaps off his penis and starts to talk back to him in tongues and Swahili!!

I can’t even think right now. I am so frigging hungry!!!  However, my stomach is reshaping quite nice. Yes, I am vain, my possums.  Now, you know everything about me.

I went to my bed fuming and you want to know something funny- I forgot that I hadn’t even slept with him yet!

And you want to know something else that is funny-the only place I didn’t itch was my front!

Man, I wish my front was scratching me, cause then it would give me the incentive to call the Jigga back and get him to itch it.

Damn it!cooltext429542477

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Jul
27

Five Ways To Live Gregariously

bro21. Why don’t you audition for a play? You may surprise yourself how good you are.You don’t have to be a thespian. You can get it all wrong, but at least you are doing it.

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rainwater-barrel-l2. Why not put out a barrel outside your balcony or in your backyard and catch rainwater. There is no higher quality source of water available to us than rainwater. Unlike water captured in dams which requires an extensive treatment process to ensure a quality fit for human consumption, rainwater that is collected on roofs and stored appropriately represents a sustainable source of water ideal for use inside and outside the home. But, I digress. You can use it for indoor plants, your lawn, wash your hands, tools, muddy boots, trees, shrubs, garden, seedlings or cooling compost or rinsing out your compost bucket.

3. Why not place a mosquito net over the bed? You don’t need a four post bed. You can make your own canopy and hang it from a nail in the center of the wall and drape it over the bed. Make sure to wrap it in a way to cover up the nail. It looks so sexy and mosquitoes don’t stand a chance.bbd

4. Have you ever sat with your family and pour over old photos? It can be so much fun! It is probably the only time that you may not fight for hours. But, let me remind you 595dawnpxthat this good feeling will pass. When they are not looking make sure to grab up the really embarrassing ones that they may post on Facebook behind your back. Trust me!

depend-xtra-underwear5.  Have you been sitting on an idea for years? One day I was going to make longer maxi-pads. I drew up the prototype and everything. I was so proud of myself, until I realized that it looked a lot like Depends! But, can you imagine if I was like about 50 years early, oh the money that I would have made. So don’t sit on your idea, cause if that guy did, there would be a bunch of geriatrics running around in loincloths!

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Jul
27

Her Hair Did-Jean Seberg

sebergphoto2Jean Seberg was a cultural icon in France, influencing the Parisian fashions. She is best known for her short pixie hair cut, way before Miss Farrow decided to journey down that road.lGSP92Hqifi7mw89IR5sggNno1_400

I think she’s one of the most tragic Hollywood figures that have blessed us with their art and craft.  When she was pregnant, the FBI (confirmed later) planted a fake story in the paper that the child she was carrying was from a secret affair with a member of the Black Panther party and not her husband. The reaction so traumatized Seberg that she gave birth prematurely and the child was stillborn.jean-seberg-stripes

The next day Seberg called a press conference, where she presented shocked journalists with the body of her dead white child.

Jean Seberg suffered severe bouts of depression, and was hospitalized many times. On every subsequent anniversary of her child’s death she attempted suicide.

db_Seberg1Let’s have a look at this Miss Seberg’s formidable way of taking a daring cut for the time and making it work for her. With such delicate features, the cut makes her cheeks high and her eyes larger; piercing even. There is a child-like fragility and femininity about her. She is missed.jeanseberg

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Jul
26

My Journey Back to Skinny Jeans-I Am Like Nike and A Good Prostitue

biob

So I went to the doctor and I lost…. seven pounds.

Seven friggin pounds!

Hallejah!

In a week!

(Insert Baptist choir and everyone from a bible study course)

Unless Ali baba himself came down and told me that seven pounds was nothing, I would be like whatever! I don’t care. I know you all are thinking to yourself-water weight.

Water weight my ass!

Seven Pounds is the equivalent of :

Carrying around 7 bags of sugar

Carrying around at least 3 melonswat

Carrying around two trays of Starbucks lattes on top of each other and two bags of their muffins on your wrists

Carrying around at least one of my breasts

Carrying a few bags of potatoes

Carrying around two bags from Aldo, three bags from  Costa Blanca, a bag from Lush and a small bag from MAC.

Water weight my ass crack!

I can’t pee nPic1320or burn all that off!

I feel rejuvenated and new. I feel like Julie Andrews without those rotten kids and that miserable Capitano. Quick go look outside and you will see me singing from  your mountain top! I feel quite like a virgin again. Who knew that I would ever say that sentence (twice in a year, without no surgery).

I work out everyday, which I hate so much! Like Nike and a good prostitute, I just do it.nikee

The only thing I worry about is when I have to maintain it. I think I will always have to be a serial exerciser. There is no way around it. It keeps the weight off, you can have a piece of biscuit at Red Lobster and I will be able to keep up the stamina onstage.

I think for many people, weight-loss has to do with self-worth. I always knew my worth. I had it tried and tested all my life. And when it gets tested every day, you end up becoming a stronger person. I know it sounds cliche, but it is so true.

I think this life-style change is more a step coming closer to the core of my self.  And honey, you should see my core, it is delicious!cooltext429542496

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Jul
25

Fun Games to Play With Friends-Naked Olympics

beatWould you like the perfect way to see your friends naked? Why not try Naked Olympics!

Naked Olympics is just like the regular Olympics except you are butt ass nekkid.

Ah, I remember the first time I tried naked Olympics, we didn’t have that many categories cause we couldn’t get enough people. Well, we could get enough people, but not many people wanted to try it. When you are decided what categories to try, make sure you are aware of your male friends’ members. Depending on their size, they might get in the way or may be too distracting.

Some of the categories are:

1. Shot-put-very good for small tittied women. Not so good for big breasted women and men with long duck dongs, cause it may get in the way. No matter which way, you still have to carry and throw balls around.

2. Long jump- gets kind of messy. Nobody wanted to try this one cause you may end up falling down and sand all up in the butt. And then everyone will rush and try to dust your ass off cause they all want to help. No.

3. High Jump-was an amazing idea at first, but when it keeps getting higher and higher it gets harder to hoist yourself up without getting yourself whacked in the balls. naked-rugby-404c_737927c

4. Relay Race- now this is fun! Everything is wagging and jiggling around. It is so wild having the wind blowing through all your hairs-on top and bottom. Beware though-watch the passing of the baton. There are more than one way to get blue balls, my dear. More than one.

5. Swimming-requires a pool, but I don’t think anyone wants all that disinfectants all up in their grill. At least you know if you have any cuts, they will heal pretty fast.

6. Gymnastics-Now it may or may not be a good idea to put cartwheels all up in the mix. It  is hilarious, though! There are a lot of farting and falling down. It is all out there. You can’t even imagine the things I have seen. I can’t do one to save my life. Which is why I opted to do the ribbon dance thingy (you know what I mean). I was so graceful and whimsical. I didn’t have any music, so everyone hummed along…until the ribbon got tangled and then got stuck between my thick ass thighs and my butt crack. No one followed afterward. I never did know if it was because where the ribbon ended up…or if I was too good.

I know that you can add egg toss, or sack jumping, but then you may end up sharing a sack with a friend that you might not…well be too fond of naked. The whole point of the game is to look, but not touch. It is more alluring that way.

Just make sure that there is no pinning of any ribbons anywhere. Use medals. Trust me, use medals.
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P.S. Did you know that the Olympics started off naked in Greece. Oh, how glorious it must have been with Zeus looking down at all his children’s glory.

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Jul
23

Open Wide-How To Get All The Meat In Your Mouth

20090630-audrinapartridgeI personally don’t see anything wrong with this ad. I eat my burger like this all the time…in my bikini…on a table even…all day…every day.

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Jul
23

How to Tell Your Lover Is Cheating-The Language of Love Making

yelloBut, let me tell you one of the most surefire ways of checking to see if your beloved is cheating or has cheated on you, is you have to figure out his language of lovemaking.

I remember when I was with… let’s call him Dumdum.  Anyhoo, Dumdum and I used to make sweet passionate love together. His body would sing and mine would sing back. It was if, when we were in bed, it was like a concerto over and over again. I never even realized that we had all the motions planned out….until the Jigga switch the Mother up on me!

It is funny looking back on it how I knew where to place my head. He knew where I liked his head to be placed.

I knew where to place my breast. He knew when to drag it in.

I knew where to place my bush…well, you get the point. We were in sync!

Then something happen that he never did before. My ears actually perked up like a dog. I let that one go, but I was watching. When we were kissing he started to lick inside my ears, like he thought I never used a Q-tip before. When he came back into my eye site, he saw my smirk. But, he did not say anything.

But, then he did something in all my time knowing him he never did  before. He started to kiss my stomach and slowly kept on going down and down….until he kissed my front.

Hold up, wait a minute!

manwomanbed_450x300But, let me tell you this man never even like to dine out at restaurants cause he was too cheap. And even if he did he wouldn’t even go to the sushi buffet! You know how sometimes you look at the menu outside of the restaurant, but never indeed go in. Well, that is what he was like.

I mean this was major, considering that our bellies never even flapped against each other or made any embarrassing sounds. Remember when I told you possums that me and Dumdum were in sync.

But, I digress.

I was so caught off guard that when he came back to the “dairy” bar, he caught the look of my face.

“What’s wrong?” he said.

“Where did you pick that up from?” I replied.

“Picked up what?” he replied smugly.

“You know exactly what I mean. What ever girl you picked that up from, you should  just go on back to her.”

Have you ever caught a puppy when they shit on your good carpet, after you thought they were trained? Well, that is the look that he had on his face-embarrassed and sheepish.

Anyhoo, Jigga never did that again. I can’t say if I missed him trying new moves. But, I will say that it wasn’t long that I did find out that there was indeed someone he picked that move up from.

Praise GOD that was the only thing he picked up and gave me.

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