Aug
31

You Had Me At Hello

BeFunky2I am still here in L.A. and I have come to realize that everyone smiles here!

And it is hard to find parking… that is free.

Now shut me up!

It is all about valet parking. For some reason everyone here has to have someone else park their car! They ever have valet parking AT THE MALL!!! Even the small ones!!! By, the time I get my ticket I could have already come and gone. Oh how, I miss Toronto. It is true when they say that you never miss your water until your well runs dry. But, who ever said that never owned their own Brita Water Filtration System!

It took me forever and I finally found parking in a quiet street off Robertson Blvd. I checked out Kitson, Mainwhich I spent  kit-pur-1-1at least a full five minutes obsessing if I should buy this bag with their name blazoned on the front. It was all in sequined. But, then put it down cause then I would look like a walking k-t-b-1-1billboard and that is never good. Then I walked past the IVYe4174c75ecde32fc35897150cb_xl and didn’t see what all the fuss is all about, but I did notice that they need a painter in there pronto to freshen up that fence. It is so dirty looking! You can see it from across the street! I  did check out the chanel_rodeoChanel store, alas Karl was not there. I thought that he would be there to greet me. I did pick up some cute Hello Kitty tops for my niece for Christmas. Cause if you read my

Gregarious post you know that I buy waaay early for Christmas.

But I digress.

It start with a smile.

Then a quick nod.

I was walking back to the car when all the how-to-do folks were smiling at me and saying good day.

They got me at “Hello”.

I felt so part of the community. They all had the “tinkerbell” syndrome. They all had small dogs! Even the men! I felt so high on life. And then I had a bad thought.  Maybe the old folks smiled cause they expected a beat down from me with my Louis Vuitton.

But, don’t get me started about my bag. It broke! The handle was down to its last strand and quickly! Somebody better wake Mr. Vuitton up and blow Louis-Vuitton-speesy-30off his ashes and check his insurance policy cause someone is going to buy back my bag!

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Aug
29

My Journey Back to Skinny Jeans Land-Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffle

fdsaaDo I need to go into detail of what kind of damage you can do at this place?Roscoes-Chicken-Waffles1

Yes, please!

I was led to my table by a lovely waitress. The place reminds me of a McDonald’s…in the seventies. I guess this is definitely not about the décor on this one (greasy diner with lots of plant life).  It is all about the food!

It was so nice seeing so many people there. Usually on TV, I would just see Snoop Dogg196217268_1703431388_AMC-MP-Starsky-Hutch-Snoop or T.I. in it.  I didn’t see no Roscoe though, but I did see his wings and his waffles, which I ordered with gravy.

But, let me tell you when the girl brought out the food.

The waitress, first brought out one plate with just chicken on it. Did I mention to you it was a large ass of a plate. She seem to have forgotten to put the waffles on my plate. I pushed around the gravy and I didn’t see anything. Maybe she forgot. There were a lot of people. And I, myself , would have a hard time trying to juggle all those different orders. I was just about to wave her down when the woman came back over to me with another plate. A plate with only waffles on it!

My word!!!IMG_2457

I, Lucresia Linton,  sat there with two oversize plates of food in front of me! I felt soo embarrassed! Embarrassed and hungry! I felt as if all eyes were on me for all the wrong reasons. I know that other people had just as much food on their table, but it was hard to tell because their plates were spread out everywhere. Mine, however, was all in one section of the table-in front of me!

I turned to one plate and had some chicken. I remembered that I was a lady and I used a fork and a spoon.  I could not bare the thought of having the gravy drip down my hands.  And since I am on a diet, I chewed in very small bites. I turned to the right and had some waffles. I chewed again. I turned back to the left and had some chicken dipped in gravy and then turned back to the right for some waffles drizzled with butter.  Then I looked on a ways yonder and realized that I forgot that she had put down some biscuits.  I felt trapped, but I had a bite of that too.

I couldn’t even eat the whole thing. Possums, I was so disappointed. I left there so upset with myself. To come to this institution of carnal food and joy and not fully indulge myself felt like a big waste. I was ashamed!  I couldn’t even look up when the waitress looked at my plates and laughed and asked if I wanted to pack up everything.  All I could think of saying was, “Hell, yah!”  The only thing that kept me going was that maybe my stomach inside got more petite. That’s got to be it. My new resized and petite stomach!

Although I was in the dumps, I did pick up a cute Michla_roscoes_cnw_picoael Jackson t-shirt on my way out of the parking lot.  It has all sequins and stuff on the front of it. I had a choice of picking which, “Michael” I wanted. So, I picked the “Thriller” part. Yes, Roscoe’s you “thrilled” me too. I used the t-shirt to hide my left-over Roscoe’s because the funniest thing I noticed as I headed to my car was that I was the only person who left with a baggie.

Incroyable!

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Aug
27

My Journey Back to Skinny Jeans Land-My “Jesus” Momento

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Have you ever had a “Jesus” moment?

I was walking around the L.A. sight-seeing and I ended up at The Grove. the-grove-fountainThe Grove is gorgeous! I love the concept of open-air malls. And it has the most fantastical fountain that lights up. I saw the little girl from Corey in the House. 28auirdShe was having dinner with her family. I didn’t want to intrude, but my nephew would have killed me if we didn’t get a picture.  I didn’t have a heart to spoil her dinner. Though, why did her parents choose to seat her bottom on the  patio for the whole world to see?

Common!

Do you know that I could never be a paparazzi. I am way too nice. By the time I see a celebrity and ask for their photo, they will be gone. And I know that TMZ wouldn’t put up with that shit! So what is a girl do, but walk past the child’s table and do an “over-the-shoulder” shot.

I got a lovely picture of the patio awning.

Anyhoo.

CheesecakeFactory_1I did have to check out the Cheesecake Factory. I had to see if they lived up to the standards of the ones that are closer to my home.  I sat there with the menu and flipped quickly to the pasta section.  Every item was more delectable than the next. Because of my lifestyle change I felt that that inner struggle you get at times. I couldn’t d44757a421615d65_mdecide which one tasted better-the grilled chicken with steamed veggies or the grilled chicken with pasta dripping in succulent creamy fulfilling Alfredo sauce with a sprinkle of oregano and a cheesecake_grove003dash of basil to taste. So I placed my order for the latter. But, I did take the salad that they were offering with it. So I did get my veggie requirement for that day!

You may have asked yourself where does the “Jesus” part come in?

JesusSmilingNo. I did not walk on the water.

However, after the waiter took my order he then turned right around and took the next table’s order. Did I mention that the tables in this place were really close together?

I was  sitting beside this really trim blonde. A young blonde-fashion-pose-cartoon-thumb5576646thing, when she was said loudly, ”you know what I better just eat the salad with light dressing. No one wants to hire a fat actress.”

Bitch!

I wanted to rip her head off, but I asked myself what would Jesus do in this situation. Would he grab one of strawberry-cheesecakethe cheesecake from the display and throw it into her face or would he just smile serenely and carry on with his night. I think that HE would use his secret powers and throw the cake up in the beeyotches’ face, in a way that she would never see it coming, nor who did it.

That’s what I think HE would do.

Her two other, albeit chubbier friends, agreed with her and they got salads too.

When my waiter brought over my dish, I saw the girls look over at my plate. I let then acted so ghetto and made sounds of glee with ever bite.

Loudlpatronus_id_by_blacksprinklerosey.

The girls just squeezed their lemon over their salads.

Being bad never tasted so so good!lovelucresia2

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Aug
26

How To Take Care Of Your Sugar Daddy Part Deux

BeFunky211Up keep, upkeep and upkeep-You are his fantasy. You are his oasis away from it 16-Hair-dressers-804.jpgall. So you and your house should be as such. Since he is paying for it, make sure you have your nails done, your head did and all snatches and twats in between plucked and preened. There is no need to be answering the door wearing face cream. And your make-up should never look too overdone. The natural look is in again, and a little black eyeliner and lip gloss can go along way.  Pull the pages of décor magazines or better yet consult with the latest IKEA catalogue for home design ideas. But, if he were a real sugar daddy, he would have hired an 74057945interior decorator. I’m just saying.

Be Careful in This Day And Age-Not only is it wise to use a condom (you should shlack the wh65627ole thing) but, you should make sure that everything is as discreet as can be, especially if he is in a high profile job. You don’t want anything to come back and haunt you, so make sure that if you have to, have a paper trail of some sort (for your memoirs or proof that he initiated the whole thing) pt-piggy-bank-gold-2and make sure to have a security box at a bank and put the key in a safe place. I would not leave the key with anyone cause relatives are the first ones to sell you out. And I wouldn’t tell your parents too much, cause if the media does seek them out, their denial over what is said about you would be more convincing.  Also, any diaries should be kept in the security box as well.

Education is everything-Brush up on all your reading-Playboy, Hustler, sex books, Tolstoy, Austen and Dickens. I am not asking you to read cover_playboypublished speeches of Roosevelt, but you may as well know now that experimentation is key. The more you know the better it will be for you. You have to keep Mr. Self-Involved interested. Read daily newspapers and comb the internet for interesting tidbits. You will find that he may just want to come in and talk about his life and he may ask you for advice. And if he gives you any stock tips, ban_001don’t forget to write them down. We may be bridging something illegal here, but at least when you are old and grey you can hire a household full of nurses to take care of you around the clock instead of ending up in a crowded nursing home talking about your sugar daddy to a plant.

Do Not Live In Denial-You know that you will never be the wife sugardaddy1and why would you want to? If he cheated on her with you the same can happen to you, Stupida!jack_20assIf you find yourself getting too emotionally involved then it is time to move on. I think that it is probably best if you see someone on the side, so that your sugar daddy relationship will seem less important to you. By now you should have your tuition saved up and hopefullya car or condo paid off.

It is all about dividends.

You have to cash them out some time.lovelucresia1

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Aug
24

Five Ways to Live Gregariously

jkk1. Bring in something decadent for your co-workers to try. I am not talking about specialty nuts. Something along the linscrapbook_bakery_enjoy_cardes of éclairs, or pastries stuffed with feta and spinach, etc. You can put a small note card that says “enjoy” on it. You don’t have to put who it is from, they will figure it out and then you will be inundated with a lot of compliments. They will feel gooEclairsd cause their bellies are full and you will get a warm fuzzy feeling were it counts-inside, my dear.

2. When was the last time you decorated your bathroom? I wondered if you realize that over the course of the year you end up spending more time in the bathroom as you do in the bedroom. Come to think of it, most of your waking moments begin with this space. ‘Tis is the place where you not only 8dcd58e83311relieve your morning’s contents, but you have to “wake-up”. Why not wash your face and take your cleansing showers in a place that is bright, yet spa-like. I prefer white walls with a splash of color. In my bathrooms I have zebra curtains, African baskets, a Buddha and a wastebasket made up of straw. What can you do?

3. Start a weblog. You don’t have to be an Angela Davis, with something extraordinary to share. Why not share some angelainsights on your favorite things or how you got to where you are today? The one below is my favorite! She has good tips on make-up, and not too hard on the eyes either!


Love her!! Her voice is so soothing inside like milkshake on a balmy summer night.
4. Have you gave any idea to do your own version  of, “His Girl Friday”! When was the last time you “shadowed” someone?  While others prefer the slavery of internships, why not call up a CEO or Founder of a company and ask if you can take notes.  They 20081209_b4170763395b27d530f4ECB21jZZWu79will feel so esteem that they will see you as a colleague and make someone else get the coffee.

5. Why don’t you buy a beautiful bound book and write your recipes in it. Make sure it is large enough.  You can even go as far as old_cookbook460putting pictures and tiny notes. It should look precious enough, to be passed down to your future chefs in your family. Useful tip: Make sure to throw some strands of herbs, spices and a dash of flour. It will make you look like you slaved in the kitchen! I know that you didn’t, but they don’t need to know your shortcomings!

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Aug
23

How To Take Care Of Your Sugar Daddy

BeFunky162Possums, I know that I seem to write about the single girl, the married girl, the girl in the relationship or the girl seeking one, but what about the girls whose only relationship is the one with their Sugar Daddy.

Remember the good old days when men took you out and paid for everything.  And if you put out and did position no. 49 and 68 repeatedly, he would cover your rent, and maybe 19139even a nice car? We know that this still goes on. But, with shows like the Girl’s Next Door and the exposés of wealthy men in the media, this tried and true arrangement is not sacred anymore.

I have a relative that use to thrive off of taking care of his women. I think it stemmed from seeing his mother being treated a certain way during SugarDaddy_headhis childhood. I, however, as young as I was,  I picked up on this. He never liked them to get too “independent”. You could always pick out his women at a party. They were always dressed better and acted refined, surprisingly.  Yes there was a type! I used to always befriend them, cause I knew that they wouldn’t last until my parent’s next house party or maybe because the other women present would never pay them no mind.

Although, I never had a sugar daddy (sigh…whatever, like you wouldn’t have wanted help during the tough times), I always wondered, if I had one how would I maintain that relationship?

So I dug down deep, but on the other girl’s stilettos and came up with these gems:

Tell Him What to Do- Some men like you to order them around. Some men like you to talk dirty to them. This is okay. I would only worry if he wanted you to talk to him like you are his mother, then that is bridging on to something dominatrix_2crass and weird.

Followed quickly by the next one….

Tell Him What He Wants to Hear- If he is gorgeous and buffed (well done you!), but is too wrapped up in his career for something more and just wants a kept woman, then make sure to compliment him every time you see him.  It doesn’t have to be about his looks. You can compliment him on his new shirt or shoes. And if he is short and fat and looks like a hobbit…well, maybe you won’t be able to compliment him on his style, but maybe on his glasses, or his suspenders, or his nice collection of science-fiction novels fought fiercely on E-Bay. Non?

Address the Rainy Days-Make sure to stock some money away for the rainy days. Make sure you get everything in your name, in case everything goes belly up. This should include the car, the house, or condo. How?  Tell him that it is best if everything goes in your name so that there is no paper saving-money-during-hard-financial-times-01-aftrail for his wife or girlfriend no.1 to find out. Many a young girl can live off the interests of the things they get from their sugar daddy.

Many a girl.

Not that this has happened to me.

It is just a for instance.

Next Post…How To Take Care Of Your Sugar Daddy Part Deux

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Aug
20

Masturbate And Your Penis May Not Fall Off But It Will Get Deformed

yeelooFinally something that we women have over men!

Did you know that too much masturbating will change the shape of the penis! I should tell my penis_cactusbrother, cause as you recall all those long showers that he had growing up..well there was just no reason! Cause like I always said, ”after the butt, the pit, the v, and or the member , okay, even your face, what else is left?”

I am not going to get into the reason why men masturbate, but it is just funny that even if a woman masturbates a lot she can do kegel exercises and amorphophalluseverything will snap back into shape. But, what can a man do? Use a rolling pin, and try to mold back his penis?

So a reminder ladies just cause you see a bulge in his pants, it may not be what you think.

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