Oct
30

Did Your Mother Use Coke in Her Vagina? Part Deux

ssdfsSo, I got in trouble.3673545422_2126e6a464

Twice.

Firstly, I went and asked my Aunt Lorraine (her real name) if she ever used a Coke douche. But, let me tell you how she took extreme offense and rudely reminded me that she was a mere Child back then, and was too YOUNG to remember and furthermore, does she LOOK that OLD to me and to everyone else?

419724401_0f1614a5f8Ummm, yeah?

Secondly, we were in her bedroom while this altercation was going on (okay maybe not an altercation exactly, but you do know that I have been battling a serious case of the dramatics for years now) and after I went on further to explain how one does use a Coke douche, she was so disgusted and told me to partir (French word for -”get the hell on out!!”) her room.

I opened the door and who should I see?

albertHer 11 year old son, standing there listening with a smile on his face.

I didn’t even bother turning around to face my Aunt. I could already feel her breathing on the back of my neck. Nor, did I bother chasing him down the stairs, after him as we both clearly heard him say-“Guys, my mom did a Coke douche!”

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Oct
29

This Is How Jazz Singers Should Pose Naked

niniExquisite!

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Oct
29

Soul Covet-Nina Simone

mimnThey say when life gives you lemons, you must take them and make a cockppptail.

Ms. Simone was not going to take what life dished you lightly. This was a woman who was Julliard-schooled and had pedigree to her name, struggled for existence in the music world. Pop would not have her. Rock was not hard enough. Even R& B was too smooth for her. But, Jazz accepted her with open arms.

The curve of her forehead down to her full nose, the woman had a presence tha41YRBK4WZML._SL160_AA160_t was not seen before since the Egyptians. She was most feline in her ways, miggjust like cats, she went about her business giving the world whatever she wanted to give.

I am not going to lie, the first time I heard of this woman I thought it was Ray Charles!nina

There is something manly about this woman’s voice. Since they are  sadly, both gone, I don’t have to worry about it going back to either of them.

What she sings, is what she knows. And what she knows is that you can take my music or leave it, which ever you choose, but if I must sing for my supper and I will sing gladly.

Required Listening for the week:

jjjiMy Baby Just Cares for Me

I Put A Spell On You

Wild is the Wind

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Oct
29

Did Your Mother Use Coke in Her Vagina?

album_back_bigNow, don’t go be asking your mama if she used Coca-Cola in her nethcokaer regions! And then she will get all hussy on you, and letting you know how you should be so lucky that Coke was expensive back in Cuba when she was a little girl and that if she would have known both you and your siblings would not be here and then she would have had a career and get to travel all over the world and then she would be able to tell your father to kiss her ass and get out of her house and run to Miami every winter and drink Mojitos under the afternoon sun.

Not that this happened to me.

spermIt is just a for instance.

Did you know that back in the 1950s and 1960s, women would use Coca-Cola as birth control? Apparently, they would bottle4DEF_bartmake Coca-Cola douches. After sex, a woman would get up from her bed, go into the bathroom, take a bottle of Coke and shake it with all of her might and let it rip inside of her.

I assume over the toilet or in the bathtub.

But, can you imagine!

Apparently, the acidity of Coca-Cola killed sperm and the classic coke bottle provided a convenient “shake and shoot” applicator. And since birth control was taboo and was usually only given to married women, you could see how this would be cost effectcc_blog_header2ive.

I am not going to lie. I KNOW that my ass would have probably used this if I found myself in a predicament back then.

For sure!

cooocCould give us a new angle in the Pepsi Challenge?

Please note: Sperm hcooltext4295424965ave a remarkable resilience and can remain alive for hours.

Also note: The force of introducing any douche can push the sperm even closer to the uterus than they were before.

Lastly: Coca-Cola is said to tenderize steaks and remove corrosion from car bumpers.

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Oct
28

Sex Fantasy Role Play-Frida

BeFunky161The time was 1932, when the world began to take notice of Frida Kahlo, the painter. What e664b10b6ce46fbathe world did not know of Ms. Kahlo was her dalliances, with both men and women; married or not married.

You can’t watch the movie on the life of Frida Kahlo without noting the fantastical lesbian sex scene.

Love it!

The rolling around on the bed, the caressing of the vagina, but not actually fingering.  And the passionate kiss between two women. For some reason it does not look vulgar at all. And that is some feat!

I think that straight women can watch this and be aroused by just the passion of it all, while the men…well, we already know that the passion will go over the head, almost like a football game, all ass, and no love!

WHAT YOU NEED:

  • Two Naked Women
  • No Men (I guess you can watch, if you can find a willing party, if not, then boo-hoo for you)

hayek-frida-n-151

NOTE: Don’t harass your wife to do it with her best friend. It is never good. I could never DO my friend one night and then play Mahjong the next. And then it all gets awkward, later on when you guys are sitting with their children ordering Kentucky and you want to really order the breasts, but you can’t cause then it will bring up that night when you all got drunk and he tried to ask you, but you weren’t that drunk cause you found them both homely looking, and looking back now, you realize that even ugly, homely people need threesomes too.

Not that this has happened to me.

It is just a for instance.

WHAT TO DO:

Why not go out and pretend that one of you is the famed performer Billy Holiday or even Josephine Baker. This is about indulgence, with the blood-orange satin sheets, and the gold four poster bed. It is all about bringing back the sensuality and bravado. Pretend ybM1503-SalmaHayekKarinePlantadit-Bageot@Fridaou both have an itch, as you roll around, that only each other can scratch.

Now be safe. They may not have had beaver dams back them. They had   Saran Wrap! You would not vacuum a friend’s carpet and not check for coins and pebbles, first! Non?

Not everything can be swept under a rug!

And if you have never done anything like this before. Enjoy! It is always good to have a side order of MUFF-in with your morning latte!cooltext4295424964

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Oct
27

Aleka Are You Going To Get Circumcised Post #2

donne1NOTE: Please read this post to before you begin-http://lucresialinton.com/2009/10/23/an-aside-a-new-place-for-time-out/

“Ha, ha, Lathaniel has to stay on top of your shoulders! Lathaniel has to stay on top of your shoulders! And I am going to eat his pancakes!” I shouted.

“Must you tease him!!” said my brother.

“But, of course!”

“So, Aleka, are you still uncircumcised?”

“Yes.”

“What’s cum-sized?”addd

“It is cir-cum-cised.”

“You see why I try to keep the family from being around my children!”

“Cumsizedwow! Cumsized! Cumsized! Cumsized!” chanted Lathaniel.

“You see La La,” opening up the fridge to take out a hot dog. “the doctor takes your willie and chops it off the front part.”

(Insert deafening silence here…so silent you can here the butter sizzle in the frying pan)

I slowly turned around. I was taken aback. I have never seen a person’s face, let alone a child’s face, look this horrified since, my family found out that they CAN test your urine for fruitrganga!

“Why, do you have to do that?” yelled my brother.

“Oh, snap, you are right. I should use the cocktail wieners. It would have been more life like. Better yet Lathaniel, Auntie will cut this hot-dog again in half,” I said as I chopped the hot dog into two.

(Silence all around. Peppered with my laughing)aaaa

“You better eat that weiner,” said my brother looking perturbed.

“Oh, honey,” I replied. “I always do!”

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Oct
25

Five Ways to Live Gregariously-Loveless Relationship Edition

bgbg1. And I wanted to write this post for those who somehow find themselves in a loveless relationship or marriage. Those who find themselves in a place where love has changed to routine anorangeparkedbcar1d you have to question yourself, “Where did it go?” I personally know people who this has happened to and I wish that I could remind them that love is never fleeting, lust is. People these days feel that love is suppose to hurt or love is not suppose to feel exciting as the first time you met. I beg to differ. If you are in love, you are suppose to find yourself in a place where it is exciting to find another aspect of your partner. Turn them loose. Shake them down. Find another part of them that you never knew about. Don’t let things get too routine. That is why God made lovemaking. It is suppose to be a journey between two people that love each other and aim to bring each other to new heights.

2. When was the last time that you really caressed yourself? A lot of people feel weird when they mention the word touch“Masturbation”. They associate many a terrible things with it. Why not call it “caressing” instead. Caressing is a part of taken care of you and when you realized the amount of pleasure you can receive all by yourself, you will think twice about having to settle for a horrible relationship. Please, my dear Possum, love thy self.

3. Have you talked about Couple’s counseling? If I could count the amount of timespix-couples-counseling that my mother tried to get my father to go to see someone together, I would have to turn into an alien and grow more than one hundred fingers! It never worked. It’s like the phrase has a disease or something. And you can’t even withhold sex to get the other person to go anyways, cause you probably were not having that much in the first place. Why not go by yourself? It never hurts to work on yourself. This will build up your strength and courage to do right by you, for once.

4. Get a life! Go out and find some of your own friends. This works beautifully! My father was never a man that liked to take his wife out, at all! I am not going to say, that if you knew my urlmother you wouldn’t want to spend extra time with her either, but I won’t…not on record anyways! I noticed that after many years she got tired of hearing about the fun jaunts that her friends went on, while she stayed at home. Then my mother did something so simple, yet so remarkable-she started to go out with her friends. All day, every day, even on Sundays! Now, when I go home to visit, the first thing my father asks if I know where my mother is; that’s if he hasn’t call me first! Even though he acts nonchalant you can tell it bothers him to the core. Love it!

5. Recite a prayer. Recite many prayers.  Possum go out and get yourself sosepia-praying-womanme prayer beads. Sometimes you need pray to give you strength where you know that deep down inside you just might have it. Pray that other person will change, pray that you will change, pray that the situation will change, pray that you will have the sense to realize that you are more precious than you think you are and when you leave, you won’t see it as a loss, but as a gain…of your senses.cooltext4295424771

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