This is supposed to be the new cover art for Miss Sade’s album coming out. *Swoon*
She is the only artist who can go away for eight to ten years, live and love her life away and come back and do an album when she is feels proper and ready.
Miss Sade, oh how we love you!
“Cocaine Is Not Habit Forming. I Should Know – I Have Been Using It For Years,” said the infamous Tallulah Bankhead.
Tomorrow marks Secret Lesbian Month.
Okay, I made it up, but I think that for every one “out” lesbian there are at least 50 closeted ones- famous and not so famous.
So throughout this month I will cover secret lesbians, their relationships and the beards too. So women, if you feel your front tingle, then you may have to question yourself, and men, well, we know that your reading about any muff on muff action will leave you tingly, anyways! Either way, I feel that both sexes will be able to relate. As you know, my possums, there is a lot of ways to love and more that one way to fry fish.
I love lesbians.
But, I love closeted lesbians more.
Why?
The rush of secrecy, the side way glances, the brush of the bush, and the allure of hush hush kitty.
What’s not to love?
It was a well-known fact that in certain social circles back in the 1920’s, a lot of the actresses of that time were lesbians. 
They felt no way of coming out to their close friends and co-workers, but obviously not to the public. The Studios were beginning to churn out starlets in droves back then and there was a lot of solidarity amongst the acteurs. Female solidarity! Sounds like some of the Queens of today non? What a shame, but what to do. It none of our business about your sexual life. Well, I like to make it my business, you know how I do, but some people, like Miss Ellen have the courage and the support to come out. Other Queens don’t. But, we should not hold it against any Queens cause being a Queen La-…is a lot of work.
But, I digress.
So when I came across Miss Tallulah Bankhead, secret lesbian extraordinaire, I had to write about her.
“My father warned me about men and booze… but he never said anything about women and cocaine”.
Mine t
oo!
Miss Tullulah was stunning to say the least. There is the heart-shaped face and the itty bitty tiny tittays a la Kate Hudson. The almond shape of her eyes and the heaviness of its lashes reminds us of Miss Bette Davis. The short bob of a Lana Turneresque hair. And her last name did not have the word “bank” for nothing. Miss Bankhead was rich and loaded! But, she never acted stuffy! Miss Tullulah was known to use her riches to support her friends in their dreams. She always knew that she could rely on daddy’s money if needed, but she never did. She always knew that she had the looks and the talent to lean on if she needed to land an acting gig.
It was during this time she began to use cocaine and marijuana. But, she was alread
y known as a “party” girl way before then. Miss Bankhead loved sex y’all! And plenty of it. She was also known to make a lot of outlandish comments. Once, while in attendance at a party, a guest made a comment about rape, and Miss Tallulah replied, “I was raped in our driveway when I was eleven. You know darling, it was a terrible experience because we had all that gravel.”
In 1933, Miss Tullulah nearly died following a five-hour emergency hysterectomy for an advanced case of gonorrhea (yeah that would do that to you!), which she claimed she contracted from the actor Gary Cooper! Weighing only 70 pounds when she left the hospital, she proclaimed to her doctor, “Don’t think this has taught me a lesson!”
Don’t you just love her!
Before she died, close friends gathered around her at the hospital. She struggled to speak. Her last coherent words were “Codeine… bourbon.”
I plan these to be my last words to!
That and “bury…me…with…my…money!”
My, my, my we have more in common than I thought!
As a continuation of this post:
http://lucresialinton.com/2009/11/06/what-can-straight-men-learn-from-gay-men/
It is a well known fact that the second thing a woman looks at when she first meets a man is his shoes. I do!
The Shoe-It is the one time where you can be a kid in the candy store. Be a kid! Go all out! Believe that when you find 
that perfect shoe to compliment your ensemble that the fashion deities have smiled on you and have shown you favor! Shoes and their upkeep says a lot. Squared toe and a lighter shade of colour looks so dashing! And you can never go wrong with a darker shoe. But, if you do 
go dark, just don’t go bland. And please leave the crocodile in the swamps!!! If you are looking at crocodile…it better be a briefcase.
Briefcase-Speaking about the briefcase, again go lighter. Again, be daring. I hate anything that 
looks like a school prep boy. You are not at Eton! Your case should look as sleek as you do. Buy different colors, Change it up. Keep them guessing. By now all your colleagues have noticed. Trust me!
Cuff Links-Do you know that many of my lovers never even owned a pair of cuff links. How uncouth! Ladies, it is a perfect Christmas or Valentine’s Day gift. Men, I will let you in on a little secret. All will not be lost if you are caught 
wearing them. It will not go lost on your woman, her mother, her mother’s mother, nor her father. It makes you look as if you pay attention to detail.
So remember men, if you look as if you pay attention to details, you must be attentive in bed, right?
So repeat after me-attentive to details, attentive in bed. Attentive to fashion, attentive in bed. Attentive to the little things, attentive to your woman….
Well, at least it looks good on the computer screen. Non?
MEMO
TO: My Possums
FROM: Lucresia
I am going to ask you a favour.
If you see me please don’t point and whisper to your friends, “there’s the girl with a website” and then continue to look at me, even when I turn around.
I won’t bite. I promise.
Unless, you want me to and even then, only if the money is right. Hey, we are in a recession, remember?
And besides, people should not point and stare at other people unless they are staking out one’s ex-girlfriend who told 
you they did not want anything to do with you and you still take it upon yourself to wait outside her house a few houses down, and act as if she doesn’t remember what an eyesore your K-car was, like that meant anything, for even though you had a small penis she still dated you, but then found out that you had a small mind to match said penis and realized that it would be better to get out of the relationship quite quick because she was starting to fall deeper in love and not with you, but with your family, and she was beginning to look at your father during dinner and wonder if that is where he got the small penis from and at your poor dear mother, and wondered if your father’s small penis the reason why she looks angry all the time and fills the void in her life by drinking hooch and shopping so much.
Not that this has happened to me.
It is just a for instance!
“I just like food too much, and I don’t want to change. I spent so much of childhood trying to
She is such a breath of fresh air!
In our quest to celebrate closeted lesbians around the world this month, I wanted to share with you one who isn’t-Miss Beth Ditto.
Ditto describes herself as a “fat, feminist lesbian from Arkansas,” whose powerful voice has been compared to female greats such as Tina Turner and Janis Joplin. “I could never have that kind of meek, little wispy whimsical lavender and lace voice. It comes from my body. There’s no way I can fight it.”
What can we learn from Ms.Ditto? See for yourself.
From the Vogue.com files.
I saw this title online from Cosmopolitan Magazine -Dating 101: How to Keep Him From Cheating
Wow!
The fact that you need to explore ways to KEEP your man from cheating on you. Interesting to say the least.
My answer?
DUMP THE BITCH.
So, it is my first day out of the hospital and I have to go to the bank. I need to withdraw $500.
I am a big baller.
You know how I do.
Anyways, I put in my card and typed in the amount that I needed, again the $500.00. I waited the customary time, one has to wait for the machine to gather the information that is given and spew out my money. Well, possum, but let me ask you, have you ever heard of Pandora’s Box? Well, I am here to tell you that there is NOTHING inside! Absolutely nothing!
The machine opened its doors.
The machine made a noise.
The machine closed its doors.
The machine didn’t give me no money!!!!
It was like being with a man who shot blanks! Now I know what my mom complains about!
But, let me tell you how I heard violins playing a sonata in my ear as I dialed the customer service number that I have memorized. The sonata played cause I needed to calm down my temper and my pressure pills where no to be found!
Possums, do you know that you can rip an asshole over the phone? In certain social circles, I guess it is called “long-distance tearing of one’s hole of an ass”. But, it is not the same as ripping one open in person!!!
By far!
What made the situation worse was the conversation that we had, which went something like this:
“Thank-you for calling XYZ Bank of Such Mandacity, Miss Linton how can I assist you today?”
“My Money. The machine didn’t give me my Bumbaclawt money!”
(Please Note: I prefer to swear in Jamaican. Not only does it keep me in touch with my ancestors’ roots, but it gives an air of elegance to swearing that can’t be matched. I think it sounds very cultured swearing in a different language/dialect. Non?)
“Okay, Ma’am let me look into that for you. I see here that you made a withdrawal of $500, is that correct?” he asked.
Long Pause. I am praying.
“Yes, that is what I said, but no money came out!”
“So, you are saying that no money came out of the machine?” he asked.
Long Pause. I am still praying and the sonata is now playing SIDE B!
“Yes, the machine made a loud noise, opened up and then shut down again without giving me my money!”
“So, what you are saying Ma’am is that the machine opened up and then closed again without giving you the money?” he asked.
“THAT IS CORRECT!”
“And it was $500. correct?” he asked.
“YES!”
“And you said the machine made a noise?” he asked.
Silence. I am now stewing. Stewing and praying.
“Well, Ma’am it looks like there may be a problem with the ATM,” he stated.
“YOU THINK!”
“Well, Ma’am are you at the branch right now?” he asked.
“Yes, I am in front of the bumbaclawt thing right now!” I answered.
“Well, it looks like they are closed,” he said.
“Mmmn,” I replied.
“So, all I can do is send out the message to the branch’s manager and see if they can help you. They open a
t 9:30AM,” he stated.
“I will be there first thing in the morning! And someone better be there to give me back my money!”
“Is there anything else that I can help you today, Miss Linton?” he asked.
No answer.
My mother always taught me that one should never say anything at all, if they can’t think of anything nice to say. Who knew that anything that woman said would come of use and bring me comfort in my time of need.
“Well, enjoy the rest of your evening, and thank-you for using XYZ Bank of-.”
Click.
All I know is Possums they better pull that money out of their asses come morning!
Now that is $500.00 magic trick that I’ll like to see!
Lucresialinton.com is a blog by Jazz singer, Lucresia Linton about God, sex, relationships, men, women and love. Lucresia Linton's aim is to reach, teach, squeeze, inspire, and learn from the world. Miss Linton is looking to talk with like-minded individuals in the hope that somewhere out there is a depth-defying, soul shaking love.
The truth?
One day Miss Ava turned to her and told her that she heard all her stories.
Every single one.
Heartbroken, Lucresia Linton decided to turn to the internet. She believes that if God gives you lemons, then you must order your very rude child to make you a pitcher of lemonade and go find an audience elsewhere!
Miss Linton lives by the motto- "Let your life be a testimony to all that walk the face of the earth."
Miss Linton wants you to know that yes, she thought of that quote all by herself!
*Yes, Miss Linton likes to call her friends, "Possums". She has to have a nickname for everything! She was already using "Beaver" for something else.
***Yes, Miss Linton welcomes all comments, but if they are rude then don't bother. She is a sensitive soul, in other words, irrational, and she will put you in a web cock-hold without given it a moment's thought!
à toute à l'heure!
Possums,
Come do moi and I will do you at twitter.com/lucresialinton
See you then.
L.
Follow @LucresiaLinton
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