From Lucresia’s hospital bed as dictated to Ava Linton-Byron:

I just received a blow job.

No seriously!

I got a blow by blow play of the season finale of Mad Men. 

Thank Christ for Ava!

They have T.V’s in here, but they ain’t got no AMC. I forgot all about the show, when someone reminded me.

I am having convulsions. At least I have my old Vanity Fair pictorial to keep me going until I get home.

There’s one thing though that I am going through while I am in here. I am not one to desecrate in front of people! Ask my mother.  That is why I would not do well in jail. I heard you have to do everything in front of people while you are in there. I can’t even desecrate if someone (mostly a man) is in close proximity… as in the next room. You see, my “descreets” always tend to make sounds. And not the short putter sounds. More like the sounds that elephants make.

Exactly!

So when I was put into the situation where I have neighbors you can see why I was a little apprehensive. A little scared.

It all started when I found quite a delightful little man to converse with. It happened all accidental-like. We met while the nurse-man was handing out our food which looked a little suspect. All of the sudden, I heard a man laugh. I turned around to see a man laughing, from his bed, lying in a posterior(?) position (anyways, on stomach, ass up).He reminded me of an older jolly Green Giant, without the giant part, just pure jolly. And he wasn’t green.

In less than ten minutes flat, I found out that he was widowed, with two sons and a girl, he was having a cyst removed from his behind and he was Jewish.

In ten minutes flat, I shared that I was Black, a singer, who loved to write, loved the colour black, loved too much, got excited when I got a manicure, love to watch That 70′s Show reruns, loved vintage cars, have a strong weakness for Puerto Rican Black Men with light hazel eyes, love rhinestone jewelery, love reading tarot cards, only read biographies, working my way up to wearing skinny jeans, wear slips all the days long at home, looking for a really good wedge boot in black, crave to find the perfect dog, want an apartment in Paris, would love a house in L.A., would love to go down to Saint Tropez and see if I can run into Brigitte Bardot, wonder how long it was going to take for Anderson Cooper to really come out, love to eat Chinese food for breakfast, lunch and dinner, love to eat my beef patties with cheese, love the fact that Oprah is wearing her real hair, love listening to jazz, love to try to set people up, have a thing for decorating with Buddhas, would love to paint my den a “Tiffany” Blue colour, have Jewish people in my family, always indulge in cheese omelets, have never even watched the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, have to watch the Godfather I and II ever single time it comes on, was never really feeling the Sex and the City movie, but was afraid too afraid to say it in front a large group of women, never experienced anal sex cause the thought of it gripes me with fear and got into a car accident.

What really perked his ears was the fact that my  ancestors were Jewish. He was surprised that so many years ago that my great great grandmother would break with tradition and go with a black Jamaican man.  I reminded him that once you go black you only go back…if they have a lot of properties and money to spare.

He agreed.

So of course with all the talking I had to finally excuse myself to use the washroom.

I was finished doing a  “number one” when all of the sudden I felt the urge of a “number two” coming. I tried to back it on back up there, but it was like a soldier getting ready for battle-when all the men are lined up they are ready to fight! So I did it. Reaaal slooow. So that it did not make any noise.

Yeah right!

Now I know what Mr. Ford must of heard when he first started his engine. My word!

But, I did it. I finally did a number two with another man in the room! I was so proud of myself!

When I came back into the room, I was quite confident in myself and all my soundings, I mean surroundings. So, you could see why my confidence totally deflated when I saw his sons were with him when I came out of the washroom.

I quietly crept back into bed…with no luck.

Possums, you know what I found out?

All religions have scrubs!

Have you ever been in a “scrubs” situation where there is the cute guy that is offering everything and then the friend with them, thinks that he is all that and then some, but ain’t. And that said friend (who is usually ugly) keeps misinterpreting your signals and always trying to get up all in your business!

Well, I don’t know if it was my soft black “Nick Lacheys” (that is what I call my negligees) or my “very” just-out-of–bed hairstyle, his sons were both trying to make a play for me. They pulled a “double scrubs” on me! Anyways, I found out in the end that they both had nothing up there. And what is the point being with a guy who has nothing at all up there. Remember Possums, the penis may be able to stand on its own, but it needs someone to still drive it!

Or I wasn’t feeling them, which could just be the drugs or the lack there of.

So, I begged off  my new little neighbour and his exposed bottom and sons and went for a walk to the Nurse’s station.

And I made the Doctor up the ante on my medication.

For my pain and suffering.

But, of course!!

Live is good.