From Lucresia’s hospital bed as dictated to Ava Linton-Byron:
Many a men think that the penis is to behold and bedazzled.
Well….
This product is simply titled-”Dick”.
More can be found here:
http://www.rockandroyal.com/index.php?page=home&hl=usa
Nov
13
Imaletyoufinish!
From Lucresia’s hospital bed as dictated to Ava Linton-Byron:
Such spunk for a little ole legend of a man! And I always have time for some country!
Nov
13
Glamazon Covet-Iris Apfel
From Lucresia’s hospital bed as dictated to Ava Linton-Byron:
They say that it is bad to see the world through pink-colored glasses.
Well, suppose you just see the world through color only. Bold colours! Not only a world where reds, blues and purple reign, but a world of periwinkle, azure and magenta. If we could all look through life with such big black and bold glasses, life would be a kinder place.
This is the life of Miss Iris Apfel- the American interior designer.
She is silver-haired.
Over Eighty.
A fashion icon.
And she wears long wool coats from Afghanistan (I thought you can only get weaves there? HA!!)
She has always said that she dresses for herself. And she better! And I assume with the lights on! I don’t know anyone who dresses like that for anyone else!
For sure!
Her collection of clothes have been exhibited at the Costume de Blah Blah Blah all over the world. She has even consulted on the renovation and refurbishment of the White House.
We all wish that our grandmammas look this good! In fact Possums, we all wish that we could look this good! This gives me hope that when I am older it won’t be all about polyester 
“teacher” pants and loose flower printed shirts. If I want a side of Halston with my De La Renta, I can! And I shall.
What can we learn from this fashion icon diva extraordinaire? If fashion is a spectacle, so too should be our lives. Have the courage to step on out and up! Be a liberating force!
Now you have to excuse me while they change my catheter.
Love Lucresia.
Nov
13
I Love Life!
From Lucresia’s hospital bed as dictated to Ava Linton-Byron:
I am alive!
I am in love with life!
I am depressed.
I am full of anxiety!
And I am lonely!
Feels like a typical night for a young single girl. Non?
I love it when another draws a bath for you. The warm water cascading out of the faucets, the soft caress of the steam as it gently rises from where ever it comes from. So soothing! Then this person must add Epsom Salt to draw out not only the impurities of the skin, but the aches and pains of 
one’s body. All you need is some candles, some incense and Ella Fitzgerald playing in the background.
Well…
But, let me tell you that it did not necessarily go down that way! It weren’t all that romantic! Having a big burly woman, way bigger than myself, pushing her buttocks all up in my face as she fiddled with the faucets, as I tried to lower my sore voluptuous body into the steel tub. Do you know that Miss Nurse-Ain’t–So-Lightly, even scoffed at the fact that I dipped my big toe in the water before I got into it. The nerve! Doesn’t everyone dip their toes before they go in?
And all the salts of the Epsom (where ever country that is) went up my bottom! I guess, I should not complain. At least it was not a penis!
I did ask her for some shampoo and got in trouble cause I used it for bubble bath. Do you know that 2 in 1 shampoos are not really that oily after all. I guess I thought it was going to be more of a bath body oil or something.
And forget about the modesty. All that is thrown out the window! She saw both my boobies and my extremely tight front! Yes, you read that in bold! I am not use to someone else see all my pieces, without something in return. Yes, my Possums, I am a closeted man. I love to be on the receiving end!
I will go into all the harrowing details of what happened that Sunday night of November 8, 2009 at approximately 8:45PM. But, in the meantime, I will dictate all my posts to Ava from my hospital bed and she has agreed been coerced into typing it for me.
I would not be myself, if I did not give her some ground rules:
- Ava must not write her own posts.
- Ava must write down everything, word for word and type it down as such!
- Ava must not inject her own style in my writing. God has smiled down on me and have given me a “temporary” secretary. I feel like Don Draper!
- Ava must not place her pictures in any of the posts.
- Ava must not put a link to her website, put up her headshot, or try to solicit any acting work.
- Ava must not sign off with her own name. She must always use “love, Lucresia.”
My promise to her is that she will get a free dinner at Red Lobster. It cannot only be when there is all-you-can-eat-shrimp-fest either. And I must get her a Wii for Christmas…along with DJ HERO Renegade!
So, “à toute à l’heure” or in certain social circles, “toddles” for now.
Possums, I miss you so much!
By the way, there is a lot of drugs here!
And it is FREE!
And it is on the regular!
You say, “ouch!” then a lovely lady comes a trotting. Drug dealers need to think of a way to have an intercom in their customers’ rooms, so when they need some, push a button and then the drugs appear! I think I have stumbled on to a new invention/industry….or maybe that is what a phone is!
And the best part is that sometimes my “medicine” comes in the form of a whole bag intravenously connected to one’s arm.
Heavenly!
Hey everyone,
Lucresia was in a car accident on Sunday night. It was a head-on collision. She will write to you all as soon as she can.
She misses you all terribly.
Much love,
Ava
Taylor Jacobson finally left Rachel Zoe.
It is a shame of all the mean things that people are saying online about this girl. I don’t feel that she was fired. I honestly feel that what ever broke the camel’s back broke and she could not do it anymore. You must remember that we have all been there; stuck into a work-situation and feel 
that we have no way out. It could have been money, it could have been the hours, it could have been many things on many levels.
Let’s dissect this for what we saw:
1. She was a worker bee.
2. Rachel didn’t CHOSE her to go to Paris and left the decision up to her.
3. She no longer felt that she could hang with everyone after work because she gave so much of her self. She needed that separation.
4.It is a “Reality” Show. And honey, these days there is nothing real about any of those types of shows.
Yes, her attitude was getting a lot on the “shimmy shimmy side”, which is sad.
But, four years.
Four years.
Fours back breaking years of lifting heavy boxes, pulling the weights of gowns, driving 
up and down the place at how many hours per day, going to places and sometimes not getting to see the fashion shows.
Common, people. The girl schlepped and schlepped.
I don’t think that she really acts this way, but there comes a breaking point and that is it. We constantly look at Rachel’s life, but if you take away the glamour of it all….
Rachel has do
ne all this for many years. She has already paid her dues. And now so has Taylor. I really do think that it is a new day, and we will miss her face and commentary about the background scene. I think that when you are not honest with yourself on all 
levels, and things start coming at you on all sides that you look and act miserable. What once was a dream job, 
is sadly no longer. We have all been there. Some of us stayed. And some of us, like Taylor, believed that destiny will deal the hand again and assist her in creating a life and job she wants.
May we all find such strength.
Oh, possum, it is getting chillier at night. And soon I will be wearing my UGG boots at my desk. Ugg!
But, yet, I shall not lie, it is the only time I like something fuzzy on me.
Fuzzy boot, yes. Fuzzy men, no.
I was looking at my father the other day. The man can cut a very defining figure when he is ready. When he goes out he likes to grab his camel coat and his matching brown fedora hat, with a nice navy trim. And always with the Burberry scarf that I gave him. Even when he is called to pick up someone at 3AM, the man will throw his tried and true “costume”, if you will, on over his pajamas.
I think he is a dying breed.
He says he picked up his dressing from the gay men in England back in the 60’s. He said that they had to play “straight” in order to save their hind. But, according to him, they always stood out because they had a style that was so high street that 
not even regular men could buy into it. No matter how hard they tried.
What amused me was he told me that these men on the down low would dress 
their wives, as well. Heaven forbid, their wives looked dreadful! They had to look good, if not better than them. And they used to parade them around parties to their friends. Make them trot around and these women would think that their husbands were doting on them, which made them forget about their diminishing sex life.
My father said that sometimes they would have small, somewhat heated discussions about what wife wore what better and were did one get one’s wife’s hair done and what jeweler made something special for that night.
And I got to thinking about the other Dapper Dans in my life and around me that could teach a thing or two to other men on what is important in putting a look together. But, please note, this is not for the lazy! If you have blood in your veins, so should you have the following fashion in your blood:
The Su
it and/or Vest-Well cut. Well made. Well said.
The T
ie, the Bow Tie and the Skinny Tie- I was at a christening party the other day and my cousin’s man wore a gorgeous light blue tie with a vest and pin-striped shirt. So Ralph Lauren. And you know that took a lot for me to say, since we are not feeling Mr. Ralph so much these days (http://lucresialinton.com/2009/10/15/i-applaud-people-for-calling-this-out/). The tie is one of the first things the eye catches. It should be memorable, without giving one nightmares or flashbacks of really bad Christmas presents. Be subtle. Cheesy patterns scream Mamma’s boy. You don’t have to go all out to impress your momma by wearing an ugly tie. You have a job. That is impressive enough!
The Classic Watch- Too many men rely on their Blackberries for the time. Masturbation should not be the only time 
you bring your wrist up in a curve. I know that you are wearing a watch, use it!
Socks-Must be silk or at least silk-looking. ‘Til this day, my dad (the one that raised me I call dad the one that was the sperm donor,biological one, I call father) still wears silk socks. I have never ever ever seen hi
m wear gym socks. Not even on a Saturday. Not even to take the dog for a walk. Never! And unless you have grown boobs and I am not talking about man boobs, there is no reason why you should go without socks. Women don’t need socks to wear Jimmy Choos. But, men, darling, they don’t make them in your size!
The Pocket Square- Is so manly! So sensitive! I will make myself cry so that a man could pull one out and hand it 
over to me. I won’t blow. You know that this is true cause I hate to blow anything!
Money Clip-Is so dashing! It is one of those peek-a-boo surprises. It is so 
unexpected. Leave the wivey and kiddies pics for the desk and if there are homely- for the drawer. I am kidding. It keeps everything slim on you. The only bulge on you should be in the front of your pants. But, wait! If you are wearing a really good suit, I should not see the bulge of your pants. I want to be kept guessing.
The Belt- I know that this may be so simple, but the amount of young men I see with their pants down under their 
bottoms, AND they are WEARING their belts. The audacity! Their momma needs to pull that belt from around their ass and beat them with it! Use a belt, me dear possum, and please make sure that it is matching!
Next time: Part Deux.
Lucresialinton.com is a blog by Jazz singer, Lucresia Linton about God, sex, relationships, men, women and love. Lucresia Linton's aim is to reach, teach, squeeze, inspire, and learn from the world. Miss Linton is looking to talk with like-minded individuals in the hope that somewhere out there is a depth-defying, soul shaking love.
The truth?
One day Miss Ava turned to her and told her that she heard all her stories.
Every single one.
Heartbroken, Lucresia Linton decided to turn to the internet. She believes that if God gives you lemons, then you must order your very rude child to make you a pitcher of lemonade and go find an audience elsewhere!
Miss Linton lives by the motto- "Let your life be a testimony to all that walk the face of the earth."
Miss Linton wants you to know that yes, she thought of that quote all by herself!
*Yes, Miss Linton likes to call her friends, "Possums". She has to have a nickname for everything! She was already using "Beaver" for something else.
***Yes, Miss Linton welcomes all comments, but if they are rude then don't bother. She is a sensitive soul, in other words, irrational, and she will put you in a web cock-hold without given it a moment's thought!
à toute à l'heure!
Possums,
Come do moi and I will do you at twitter.com/lucresialinton
See you then.
L.
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