“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.”

“I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”

Right-O!!

Ah, Peen!

I could toil away the hours thinking of peen. Not about acquiring it mind you, but about how to keep myself fascinated by it. And when I think of a lot of peen, I think of only a handful of women.

Combined, that is a lot of peen!

Three times the amount of peen.

Squared.

And so is the married life of Miss Zsa Zsa Gábor.

Married hard, loved hard and played hard. My new motto!

Born as Sári Gábor, she was the the middle daughter of Vilmos Gábor, and Jolie Gábor. Her sisters, Magda and Eva, also became actresses and socialites.

They say that in certain social circles that Miss Richie, Miss Hilton and even that Miss who named herself after that fine Mexican wine read her book on how to become a celebrity by being famous for being, well, a celebrity.

Rule No.1-Make sure that all of your accomplishments, if any, are covered by the tabloids.

Rule No.2-Make sure that you change your name and come from an illustrious background such as Hungary that you constantly have something to talk about. Doing this will allow you to always have a seat on one of the late night talk shows.

Rule No. 3- Only marry up! And make sure whomever you marry has not only a bigger name than you, but comes with a hell of a lot of money! They should also be able to offer you a special rate at all Hilton hotels for the rest of your life!

When Miss Gábor married Conrad Hilton who is of the hotel Hiltons in 1942, Conrad hadn’t realize that this new woman in his life was a big spender-Nicky and Paris, hadn’t come along yet. Not, being able to stand being placed under such tight restrictions as living on only $250 a month, Miss G got the stepping and eyed herself a new prize-the actor George Sanders.

I am not sure if Miss G got tired of poor Georgie or her next lover carried a scent (as all men do), but Miss Gabor was onto her next man as quick as you can say “Position No.69 please!” Rubirosa was a fine specimen who believed in taking care of his body through a lot of fine workouts. It is a damn shame that a lot of these “workouts” involved Miss Gábor’s face! Of the affair, Miss G would go on to say, “Rubi loves me. Rubirosa in Spanish means red rose, for me it means black eye. A man only hits a woman if he loves her deeply.”

Note to Miss Gabor from Miss Lucresia Linon: Dear I think know that you have been bitch-slapped to0 hard!

My fingers are already tired! And I haven’t even added in the occasional lovers.

Gábor has been married nine times:

Burhan Asaf Belge (1937 – 1941) (divorced)
Conrad Hilton (April 10, 1942 – 1947) (divorced)
George Sanders (April 2, 1949 – April 2, 1954) (divorced)
Herbert Hutner (November 5, 1962 – March 3, 1966) (divorced)
Joshua S. Cosden, Jr. (March 9, 1966 – October 18, 1967) (divorced)
Jack Ryan (January 21, 1975 – August 24, 1976) (divorced)
Michael O’Hara (August 27, 1976 – 1983) (divorced)
Felipe de Alba (April 13, 1983 – April 14, 1983) (annulled)
Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt (August 14, 1986 to present)

Ain’t that a lot of peen!

Please note: Mr.Sanders went on to marry Miss Zsa Zsa’s older sister Magda. Their marriage lasted only six weeks. If my sister ever decided that I was to become her royal taster of men, well, she would be sadly mistaken!

Have you seen my sister’s ex-men?

Miss Gábor would go on to famously partake in a “drive-by slapping” which occurred on June 14, 1989. Miss G was accused of slapping the face of a Beverly Hills police officer when he stopped her for a traffic violation. She was found guilty of the assault in a well-publicized trial and sentenced to 72 hours in the El Segundo jail. No wonder, the world got upset at the treatment of Miss Richie and Miss Lohan! Quite peeved, Miss G later remarked that she had not been judged by a jury of her peers: “It was not my class of people, there was not a producer, a press agent, a director, an actor.”

But, of course!

Sadly, on July 7, 2005, she suffered a massive stroke. Two years later at the age of 90, she underwent an operation to treat an infection on her leg. She is wheelchair-bound.

Now, that I am finished and my fingers are aching, let’s tally up the scores of the Gábor women:

Zsa Zsa- nine marriages

Magda- six marriages

Eva- five marriages

Mother- three marriages

I don’t think that it was a case of going from man to man or why would they marry them all? It might have been to keep everything “respectable” or maybe they were just like me-ain’t gonna put up with anything!

I will sign off now. I bet my hands could find another “job” to do!

Again, all that talk of peen!

Darn Tootin’!

P.S. All of the marriages were childless, except for Miss Zsa Zsa who was the only sister to give her mother a grand-baby. According to Miss Z, her pregnancy resulted from rape by then-husband Conrad Hilton.