Feb
13

Is Graydon Carter A Genius In Disguise For Not Putting Colour On New Vanity Fair Cover?

befunky_artworkklkI noticed.

My friends noticed.

Their young daughters noticed.

I showed my grandmother and she noticed. And she is so far removed from the entertainment world.

And I didn’t have to say nary a word.

Mr. Carter, here is a newsflash- not only is color in, but big is in too!tumblr_kx2qzvhJIZ1qak4yjo1_400

Mr. Graydon Carter, I know that you weren’t born yesterday, and I know that it has probably taken you many years to get to where you are today, so you might appreciate the fact that some people, especially in the industry of the arts, need as much publicity as other industries.  However, here you have an opportunity to control such a fantastic medium that can influence many, why do you choose to come up short? Why don’t you rise to the occasion and respond to the question that is on the minds of many-why is there only one ethnicity represented on your March 2010 Vanity Fair’s annual “Hollywood” cover?

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Now, I am sure these are all fine actresses, but not one was an African-American, Asian or Hispanic. Mr. Carter, here are some actresses I think you have missed:

Gabourey Sidibegabourey-sidibe-cover-v-magazine-size-issue-63

Zoe Saldanazoe_saldana_star_trek_avatar

America Ferrera

Demi Lovato

Miranda Cosgrove

Keke Palmer

Selma Gomez

thisoneAva Byron (okay I put in this last actress, but she is promising! And she too hopes to be on your cover, one day…and her grandmother told me to write -not on the inside of the cover either!!!!)

Mr. Carter, do you remember what it was like to dream when you were young? I know that you avaliname1are probably jaded since you have been in the business for a long time, but can you think that far back? What it was like to escape from a world and pretend you were on a cover of a magazine?

I do.

Mr. Carter, I think that your cover is weak and it suggests racism and racial insensitivity. It may even be intentional, because you knew that it would attract attention and discussion. But, is this the kind of attention you want to really attract? We all NOW know with some certainty that America will be represented by cover-girls-1003-01another president of a different culture, but can the same be said for Vanity Fair?  Many Americans took their time in putting their government together, and so should you and your colleagues, when you are putting together your issue. Next time, ask yourself not only-who is your reader, but who will see your cover?

Did you ever think that young actresses of color, known or not known, would see your cover?

Or could you just be showing the world Hollywood has never really changed?

And in that case could I call you a genius in disguise?

That we must argue and put our foot down.

I mean it took the Obamas to come into office and now American Vogue is peppered with black models (trust me, I have been buying Vogue for years, and have noticed a big difference). I mean even Andre Leon Talley alluded to the fact that he had to pull ranks to get Jennifer Hudson on the cover of Vogue and that was pre-Obama days… and we all know Anna listens to everything Andre suggests, cause the man is Vogue!

Has Mr. Carter invited us to ignite an open forum so big, that something like this could never happen again?

We shall over come We shall see.

Vanity Fair declined to comment about the decisions involved in producing the cover.

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*Images shot by Annie Leibovitz via Vanity Fair

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Feb
10

Breasts That Cut Like A Machete

befunky_artworkcfccYou know that it is a grand day in big girl land when your mother actually approves of any big gal out gabourey-sidibethere. Kind of funny, since she is a big girl herself! Which is a fact that she somehow keeps on forgetting!!! A fact that I like to remind her every chance that I get!!

But, of course!

Anyhoo, I went by my parents’ house filled with so much tingling in my ample body that I thought that I would have to pause and go back home to do the do, cause I stopped by my local bookstore and picked up not only V Magazine’s “Size Issue”, but a copy of Interview Magazine with Mr. Jay-Z on the cover, as well.

NOTE TO SELF: Mr. Jay, cuts such a strong jaw! His wife must be very lucky! You know what they say about men with strong jaws…well, that they are able to go for jayz-interview-maghours and hours deep sea diving, cause they don’t need no pillows or nothing!!! They got them large chins to prop them up, all night long!!

Top Drawer!

“Lucresia, Lucresia, come quick nah!”

I heard this voice before. It was the storm before the calm. I know that it is suppose to be the calm before the storm, but not when you are visiting my mother’s house! So, I  trotted from my sister’s room to her room frantically.

mck-001“Look at the girl in the back, are they real?” she asked.

I knew it! I had just left her the V Magazine for nary a second and she already found fault with it!titayys

“What do you mean if they are real?” I asked.

“Why are they jutting out like that? No breast does that!”

“Well, her’s does!”

“Is she a lesbian? Why would she want to be standing in a room filled with naked women?” asked my mother.

“Cause she is an artist,” I said.

“I guess!”

“Aren’t they delicious though?” I asked, as I closely examined the photo.

“Their breasts???Are you a lesbian too?”

“Massa, I am talking about how their red shoes match their tube socks and their red shorty-shorts!” I explained.

“Oh! But, look at her breasts. I think I might get a breast lift. Do you blacktitthink she got a breast lift? It just don’t look natural,” said my mother.

“Let me ask Aleka, he’s seen plenty! So, naturally he’ll be able to tell you if they can come that way!” I teased.

My mother kissed her teeth at the suggestion.

“Do you want me to ask Dad?” I asked.

“Don’t bother! Your dad wouldn’t know what he was looking at!”

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*Images of Ms. Thomas via V Magazine*
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Feb
07

Sweat and Dysentery

befunky_artworkdfI am still worried about my mother.

Last night I awoke in a state of dysentery and sweat! And there was no man around! I found myself wrapped up in my bed sheets like a taco from a Chipotle restaurant!!a87d5525c03a35a8

limited-edition-painting-dearestSuppose I lose her, Possums. I know, I know, but I was always taught to fear the worst and expect it too!

Maybe, I am selfish, but who would I have to talk about?

Who would get me so mad, on purpose, in order to push me to the heights of glory that only a mother would know her child could reach? Who would be there to 93421constantly ask me of that nice “light-skinned boy with pretty eyes” and why didn’t we work out? And although, for the 160th time I let her know that he was mean and ended up being a bore in bed, she still puts down any other riff raff that she sees on my arm.

nubianajaWho would be there to get me to second guess my make-up, outfits, and choice of hair? Who would constantly remind me to perm my hair to make it look nice? Who would I chat back to that they should have slept with a white man, if she was so concerned with said nappiness.  SIDE NOTE: Possums, my mother was the only person who agreed that if they had a problem with being called “nappy headed ho’s”, they should have gotten their coarse hair relaxed in the first place!

They say that your parents laid down the cornerstone of who you aMinnie-Mouse-Pink-Bowre as a person.

I remember my first talent show audition. My mother drove me to the school and practically shoved me on stage. Was it her dream or was it her dream for me? I would never know. All I remember is that, although I looked good, I sounded like Minnie Mouse. How did I know that I sounded like Minnie Mouse? Cause a man actually pulled her aside and said, “your daughter sounds like Minnie Mouse!”

donna-dickson-artwork-mexican-mother-daughter_bigSuch memories, and now there may be no one to stand beside my pedestal and rock it back and forth a few times, only to push me  off and help me get back up on it again.

Just to feel needed.

Yes, Possums, only my mother.

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Feb
06

Covet Blonde All Over-Diana Dors

befunky_artworkhggfShe was born Diana Fluck in an English countryside proper.

“ They asked me to change my name. I suppose they were afraid that if my real name Diana Fluck was in lights and one of the lights blew…”

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Top Drawer!

Not many a woman on sight can take my heart and senses away, except when I saw this woman for the first time. She has the look of Miss Marilyn Monroe, except naughtier.

Although she only started at the age of sixteen, Miss Dors was so successful at acting that by the time she was twenty years old she was able to achieve the dreams that all little girls have, no not a pony…to purchase a Rolls Royce of her own!

dors-diana-photo-xxl-diana-dors-6215139It was noted that she was Britain’s answer to the delicious Marilyn Monroe. They shared the “50s blonde bombshell” look. They had the same platinum blonde hair (SIDE NOTE: And you know I always say this, DianaDors015.1but I always never understood why girls, would choose to go ash blond or any other kind of blond, if you want to be blond just go Blonde all the way, I say!), and they both struggled for more dramatic parts.

Also, just like Miss Monroe, Miss Dors was married three times:

  • Dennis Hamilton (3 July 1951–3 January 1959, till his death)
  • Richard Dawson (in 12 April 1959 that was quick!!!; ended in divorce);
  • The actor Alan Lake (from 23 November 1968)

However, unlike Miss Marilyn, Diana had three sons.

diana_dors_gallery_15Once, Miss Dors commented on the common deaths of young blonde sex symbols,  such as Jean Harlow, Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield. However, she, Miss Dors felt that she would live a very long life.  Unfortunately, she died seven years later on 4 May 1984 from a recurrence of 26DianaDors_468x688ovarian cancer.

She was only 52 years old.

They said that when she died she had left a fortune, to the tune of £2million in a bank account somewhere.  Eighteen months before her death, she gave her son Mark a sheet of paper, which she told him was a code that would reveal the whereabouts of the money.

Now, if you ask me-why didn’t she just tell him where it was in the first place!!!! But, alas, like all women before her, we always want men to read our minds!

Mark sought out computer specialists who recognized the encryption as the Vigenère Cipher. The code ended up being DMARYFLUCK, which was short for Diana Mary Fluck, Miss Dors’ real name.

DianaDorslargeTill this day, her son cannot find the account with all that money in it.

I could so see my own mother doing this too me. Maybe for Miss Dors it was unintentional. But, for my mother it would be a last F-U for wearing a sequin red dress and singing “Celebration” instead of “How Great Thou Art” at her funeral!

Talk about coming back from the grave and biting you in the ass!

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Feb
04

Covet-The Epitomy of A Fashion Darling

Oh Possums, when I saw this on Miss Hannelli site  I had to share.

catherine-baba

The Turban

The Pumps

The Shades

The Ice

The Comehithermethere Black Stockings

The Faux Fur

And not even breaking a sweat on a bike ride while peddling in the streets of Gay Paris on the way to a fashion show

-the great Catherine Baba

I AM ALL OVA THIS!

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Feb
04

A Study In Forgiveness

avalinameShe was going to be the 2nd person I thanked if I were to ever receive an Oscar for Best Song.8a4e565e108c01ac

If ever.

She was going to be the 2nd person I thanked if I were to ever win a Grammy for Best New Artist.654ce57117f0d5a6

If ever.

She was going to be the 2nd person I thanked if I were to ever win a 231e37a62b8922beJuno for Best Jazz Artist.

If ever.

She was going to be the 2nd person I thanked if I were to ever win an Emmy for Best Guest Starring Role…for Mad Men. It would be the episode where they tackle JohnHamm3interracial relationships of that era and I would have to lock lips with Mr. John Hamm.
I would give the role my all.

I knew that she would demand top billing, but God was going to be the first.

And no one fights with God.

And so it seems, Possums, there is something wrong with my Massa/Capitane/warden/mama/my mother. The doctor thinks that she may have gotten the Cancer. And with my Aunt who just recently passed away, is this thing airborne????

TW045My sister called me to give me the news. I asked her is she was sure that she got the Cancer or is the doctor just testing to see if she has it? My sister wasn’t sure because my mother naturally couldn’t explain herself over all her crying.

You see Possums, the reason why I have to ask my sister, is that she, my mother, tends to exaggerate a lot.

I was in the middle of a doctor’s appointment when I received a frantic call from my mother that my sister had died cartoon-firetruck-thumb7608016and had to be resuscitated back to life. I later found out that she never died and that she simply passed out. No one touched my sister’s chest, not even the paramedics that evening, except maybe her man.

Clipart Illustration ofI was on the way to visit my parent’s when I received a call to come home quickly that my brother had slipped into a coma and he wouldn’t wake up.  I arrived to see fire trucks, an ambulance and a cop car surrounding our house. I ran inside only to find that my brother had passed out due to sheer exhaustion from a soccer game. There was no coma, just a fever and chills.

child_FullOr there was the time when we were little and my mother couldn’t find my brother in the mall. She feared aloud to all around her, even to the security guards who had to shut down the mall that my brother was probably being molested right now as we speak!

Possums, at the time, I didn’t know what being anally raped was. My mother did though, cause she tore my brother’s ass up when she found him in the arcade playing games.

I’ll have to give her that one, though.

AB2639“Now look at that!” said my sister over the phone.

“What, fool?” I asked.

“Is it me, or weren’t you the other day stating something to the fact that you had a red dress waiting to be used for this woman’s funeral?”

“Yes, I may have a red dress, but it is waay way back in the corner of my closet.”

“Humpf!” came from my sister.

“I didn’t even buy shoes to match it, yet,” I tried to explain. “Cha-cha, you know that no matter how I joke I love that woman.”057-6647

And then she asked me to follow her and my mother to the specialist’s office next week Thursday.

I ask you to say a little pray for my mother, Possums. It would mean a lot to me.

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Feb
03

An Aside-The Toilet

rreee2Possums, I was born into a family of tradesmen. plumber

I needed help, with my toilet, so I called  my cousin.

“Yell-o,” said my cousin Likke-li.

SIDENOTE: I read up on that “anonymity” thing and why it is so important, since I tend to deal with sensitive issues here. So, I hope my cousin Leonard will like his made-up name.

“There is something wrong with my toilet,” I said.

“What seems to be the problem?” he asked.

3990655197_6b9ed92df9“Well, lookie at you, getting all plumbery on me,” I said. “Anyhoo, I think that the water in it is too low. It doesn’t make any sounds when I am peeing.”

“So…” said my cousin.logo_small4uje3j55lqluo555brfizn55_plumber

“Well, how am I going to know when I am finished?”

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