I never ever questioned creation when it comes to God.
I mean, He made the world in less than a week and called the birds and the sky into being in a single action. But, I could see why God didn’t create women with an Adam’s apple. We would be all chortled to death!
Side Note: Take a look at the guy. Why do guys always look at themselves, while they are at it, especially while doing that position? I guess the same reason why they masturbate all alone. Because they can’t get no one to do it for them!
What happened to the good ole days when they used to grab a lady’s hair from behind and give it a few tugs in quick succession?
“What does one wear to such a solemn occasion as this?” I asked myself as I searched through my closet.
I missed one of my mother’s doctor appointments because I was in Philly, so I had to make sure that I would make it to this one. I didn’t want to wear white, because it seemed too clinical. And I don’t care what anyone says, white is not slimming…even if you squint! Black, seemed so sad and pessimistic. I could go with yellow or gold, but it just seemed way too bright. And then I got to thinking about all the eligible doctors at the hospital and it was downtown, so I settled on black cause it was fetching and slimming. What is that thing people always say, “Black is beautiful?” Yeah, Black IS beautiful, especially if you have your hands on a black Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dress cut just so.
Possums, the air permeated with uncertainty, as the three of us (my sister, my mother and I) waited for her name to be called as we sat in the waiting room. It was not only a battle of wits, but a battle of perfume of three Black women! I think my sister won. Nothing can beat cheap cologne, I say! Darn tootin’!
I thought about picking up a magazine, but I couldn’t concentrate. So, being who I am, I looked around the room, and studied people’s faces. My mother and sister being who they are talked to each other in hushed tones…about the people in the room.
“I wonder what he is in here for?”
“I love her hair. I wondered where she bought it?”
Finally, our names were called and my sister and I fell back, so that my mother could walk into the examination room first.
“Watch the door for me.”
“Mom!”
“What? You are going to be the same one calling my phone, asking me if I have any plastic gloves to perm your hair!”
Possums, I have to let you in on a secret. When I was little, my mother would pillage the drawers of the doctors. Nothing serious-just cotton balls, plastic gloves, free medicine samples, lotion, antibacterial lotion, towellettes, rubbing alcohol, brochures on how to quit smoking (for my Dad), facial cream, note pads, lost of sexual drives in seniors (again for my Dad) and pens. My mother reckoned that the samples are going to be given free anyways…she was just hurrying the good old doctor along.
Possums, don’t be acting like it never crossed your mind as you sat in your doctor’s office, either!
Come to think of it, we never took those long wooden stick things that the doctor holds down your tongue with. I guess, we never did like anything long and hard in our mouths…
Well…
My mother’s doctor let her know that she has to get a bone marrow scan for further testing, which means that she is definitely going to have day surgery. She had it many years ago, and it is very painful. I felt it for her. Truly, I did.
When the doctor removed himself from the room, his decision was left clouding the air. So, I decided to clear it.
“What do you think about me getting myself some butt implants?”
“Lucresia!” said my sister.
My mother guffawed.
Hey, sometimes you have to laugh, or else you are going to cry.
It all started with a quaint picnic in Central Park. I had laid out cream linen napkins and a checkered blanket to sit on. The light from the sun was beaming down just enough to catch the shimmer off the beautiful antique glasses holding just a sliver of champagne. Life was good on this fine spring afternoon.
I decided to get up and grab a drink of water from a fountain. All of the sudden, a small Russell Terrier came up to me and I thought to myself, “Doesn’t Mariah Carey have the same dog”? Then the dog began to circle around me and then bit me on my bottom! And then he just sort of hung there! Contrary to what you may have heard, but my bottom is still high, tight and mighty!
I screamed for Ava and she ran around me in circles, not really knowing what to do. I kept on telling her to pull it off me, but she just kept on running and running. Then out of no where came Suge Knight! He dashed over and grabbed the dog by its ear, not ripping my new white skirt, and flung it in the air, and to my amazement, over the trees! Before, I could thank him, he was gone, so I spent the extra time glaring and venting on Miss Ava who was no help at all.
Yes, of course Possums, it was a dream. But, I think it is a sign from God. No, not the Suge Knight thing (I have been known in certain social circles of being a tummy chaser), but the fact that I could feel the bite of the dog. I think God is trying to tell me that I need to get my bottom done.
I want something that is really up, but carries its own weight. Something that is big, but not too rotund. I want it to be the pillar of society. Something that little children could look up to and say, that is a fine piece of bottom….or move out of the way, you are blocking our sun.
Literally.
But, Possums, should they be the same size as my breasts? Is there a rump size for the buttocks? Or do they just come in Small, Medium, Large, X-tra large or Family size?
Suppose I get it too big? Then I may have to sit up real high on the chairs at the movie theatre. No one would want to sit behind me! As you can see, I am always trying to be considerate of others.
Also, if I make my bottom too big and I am with a short-membered man…won’t I be too high up for him? Picture it-if I am on top, usually I go wild and if he ain’t so well… hung, then he may slip out once awhile. But, if I get my bottom done and he is titty bitty, won’t it slip out all the time? I may be stuck on the bottom forever! Or what about when I am doing another type of position? Would having butt implants make me more desirable? It would be more like a cushion, even. Or suppose my bottom becomes so desirable that they would have to make a program for those who suffer from withdrawals.
Not, that I would sleep with that many men enough to form a group.
I know there are different kinds of love, but I am talking about a crazy type of love.
Luis Vargas does not believe in love. Which is why, he sends away for an American bride to serve as a good wife and mother to his children. Jigga actually put an ad in the paper! His wife is to just be a status symbol.
I have experienced that crazy type of love and it is awful! I say, “awful” because it is a love where it is such a heightened experience, that you only feel that you come to your senses when that person you are in love with enters the room. And then the passion that you feel is so palpable that you have to get away from it.
There was a time when all you needed to “dress” the room before you were planning to make love, was a kerosene lamp and a misquito net.
A time when men stood up, both, when a lady left and entered a room.
A time when one went to bed because there was nightfall and there was nothing left to do, but make love over and over again, and not really saving up too much strength for the next day, cause all you were going to do was plant a new harvest and tend to the cows.
This would count for all the youngins running around the plantation that is known in the movie, “The Original Sin”.
Based on the novel, “Waltz Into Darkness” by Cornell Woolrich, “Original Sin”, is about a man, Luis Antonio Vargas (played by Antonio Banderas), who is searching for companionship that soon takes him to dangerous places. However, upon their first meeting, Luis learns that he has been lied to. Instead of the plain-looking woman in the pictures he was sent, he finds an gorgeous woman waiting for him. Julia (played by Angelina Jolie) tells him that she deliberately sent the wrong picture to avoid Mr. Vargas to only be attracted to her beauty. Luis then lets Ms. Julia in on a lie of his own-that he misrepresented himself as a clerk on the coffee plantation. He is actually the plantation owner.
Luis and Julia are married the same night, and it doesn’t take much longer before they fall in love with each other. Like all Stupidas before and after him, Mr. Dumb Dumb gives his new bride access to all his bank accounts. Unfortunately, Luis’ happiness is short-lived. Miss Julia cleans out his bank accounts and disappears.
Set in Cuba in the 1880s, “Original Sin” is such a gorgeous movie to look at. The costumes and locations are lush and exquisite. It is the perfect backdrop for the passion and sexuality that lie just below the surface as the two begin to discover each other over the next few days. However, at times, Julia seems to be fighting inner demons. She is holding herself back from too deep an emotional involvement.
What You Need:
1. A large house on a plantation, if not, a regular house, condo,loft, or an apartment will do
2. A bed with white sheets and mosquito netting
3. Oil lamp or even candles if it is dark outside
4. The woman should be naked and all he needs is something sturdy!
Hot damn!
What To Do:
Note: When you are making the bed up, please make sure to tuck in the sheets real tight. You don’t want to be in the throes of passion and have the sheets wrapped up around you like a breakfast burrito…and with him on the outside!
Not that it has happen to me.
It’s just a for instance!
I just don’t know how they do it! Oh,Possums, how I wish to be that bendy!Mr. Vargas penetrates from the missionary position, brings her up into a sit-up position and then lies her down back into a quick missionary position, only to turn her over and around!!! All this without, pulling out! Is this possible?
Why, yes, thank you!
I tried most of this (but of course!), but you always hear someone’s pelvic bones a creakin’! And it ain’t pretty, but if you are going to get all distorted and stuff, then this is definitely the way to go!
You need to pull out all the stops here. Quick, trot to the bookstore and pick up a few books for pointers, cause Da-ling, you are going to need them! This role play, exploits every orgasmic cliché in the world, right down to the lovers’ fingers gripping the sheets in ecstasy. It is still hot though! Man, I think I need me a big ole drink!
Remember, this is the story about the dangerous and sometimes lethal power of love. You both fall utterly and completely under each others’ spell, deeper in love and lust than you have ever thought possible. It is all about exploring each others’ body. Yes, men, this could be called foreplay, but this time instead of just in and out and out and in, you both should be up to the task of kissing and caressing, while the initial act is going on. I know that it is hard. But, that is why I am considered such a multi-tasker!
I think that it is best if you act like you both never seen a body before. On the inside, you could be like,”what does this mound of flesh do?” And on the outside, you devour the breast like you have never had before.
Or, on the inside you could be like,”what is this fledgling object that looks like somewhat crooked branch?” And on the outside, you could tease and play with the…well, you get the picture.
Remember Possums- Desire, Obsession and Lust.
Some may call it naivete. I like to call it surrender.
Please note that Miss Angelina’s lips are very distracting. But, that is okay. I firmly believe that all lips should never be ignored.
So, remember that relative that was in the hospital for their hemorrhoids?
And remember how I was looking into how not to get the hemorrhoids?
And do you remember how I was looking up about how to treat said hemorrhoids?
Well, Possums, I went and did it!
Did what?
Well, player read on!
You may find it hard to believe, but applying hemorrhoid cream delicately under the eye will help get rid of wrinkles. And they say that it is in your 20’s, that is the best time to begin using anti-aging products in order to prevent future wrinkles and damage. Mind you, I don’t think that the powers-that-be who pow-wow around the tables of Revlon and Loreal had this in mind, cause they are so rich that they probably pay someone to go to the bathroom for them.
It’s called the Junior Executive.
But could it be this easy? Maybe, I stumbled upon something that can really work.
I reasoned, I wipe my bottom with toilet paper, and I use it on my face, too.
I reasoned, I smother Vaseline on my bottom, so that it won’t get ashy, and I use it on my face, too.
I reasoned, I spray scented almond oil on my bottom, too keep it supple and inviting, and I use it on my face, too.
So, what’s good for the goose, is good for the gander!
I guess!
Hemorrhoid cream works because of its ingredients (yeast and liver oil) to help shrink the tissues, making the area appear tighter and firmer, minimizing any wrinkles that may have formed. Also, Hemorrhoid cream is a very good way to treat dark circles under the eyes. It can help reduce puffiness.
Here’s what I did:
1. I washed and dried my face thoroughly. Ta Da!
2. I did a baking soda face mask.
And then I got pissed off at Ava cause she was making me laugh. And I didn’t want to laugh and crack the porcelain that was now my face, but then I thought to myself that suppose I can’t move my face, how would I explain that to the doctors in the Emergency room? It would probably be a hell of a lot harder than explaining why a gerbil ended up in my bottom, like Richard Gere did!
Note To Self: Ask my doctor if I got a gerbil in my bottom, would the gerbil stay alive? Knowing my doctor, he would probably ask-“what type of gerbil is it?”
Possums, please avoid getting any cream inside your eyelid! Not that it’s happened to me.
It’s just a for instance.
3. Make sure to wash and dry your face thoroughly, getting rid of any of the left over baking soda in the process.
4. And then I used my middle finger (Ha!) to dab a little hemorrhoid cream under my eyes. You don’t need a whole lot, just a small amount will do.
C’est Tout!
Possums, I just had a thought! Do you realize why this works on your face and your bottom! When was the last time you took a look at your bottom’s hole? Quick, take a quick trot to the bathroom and have a looksie. What do you find? Your anus has wrinkles around it!!!! It puckers like a really bad lip job on a young Hollywood starlet! So, it is bound to work…eventually.
Lucresialinton.com is a blog by Jazz singer, Lucresia Linton about God, sex, relationships, men, women and love. Lucresia Linton's aim is to reach, teach, squeeze, inspire, and learn from the world. Miss Linton is looking to talk with like-minded individuals in the hope that somewhere out there is a depth-defying, soul shaking love.
The truth?
One day Miss Ava turned to her and told her that she heard all her stories.
Every single one.
Heartbroken, Lucresia Linton decided to turn to the internet. She believes that if God gives you lemons, then you must order your very rude child to make you a pitcher of lemonade and go find an audience elsewhere!
Miss Linton lives by the motto- "Let your life be a testimony to all that walk the face of the earth."
Miss Linton wants you to know that yes, she thought of that quote all by herself!
*Yes, Miss Linton likes to call her friends, "Possums". She has to have a nickname for everything! She was already using "Beaver" for something else.
***Yes, Miss Linton welcomes all comments, but if they are rude then don't bother. She is a sensitive soul, in other words, irrational, and she will put you in a web cock-hold without given it a moment's thought!
I never ever questioned creation when it comes to God.
But, of course!
Heartbroken, Lucresia Linton decided to turn to the internet. She believes that if God gives you lemons, then you must order your very rude child to make you a pitcher of lemonade and go find an audience elsewhere!
