Have you ever been in a crowded room full of people, especially men, and no matter how amazing you look, they seem more interested in talk of basketball and other worldly sports? I am here, Possums, to give you a topic that is going to stop them dead in their tracks and bring all the attention back to you.

Guaranteed.

Yes, Possums, the heading is exactly as you read it-“Men Having Sex with Cars”. Some men are turned on by breasts, some by full bottoms, other men are turned on by something not so silicone in nature, but by something made more out of fiberglass….the leather is optional. Some men crave to make love to their cars.

I don’t know what is wrong with me? When I see a Hyundai Accent, I see a Hyundai Accent. When I see a Civic. I see a Civic. When some men (and a teeny, tiny amount of ladies) see a Hyundai Accent et al, they see a love machine!

But, you ask yourself, how prey-tell does a man have sex with a car?  Well, do you remember that scene in Beverly Hills Cop I, where Eddie Murphy makes that joke about putting “the banana in the tailpipe”? Who knew that there was some truth to it?

The tailpipe of the car, for people in the know, is located where the exhaust comes out. For people, like moi, it is in the back of the car where the smoke comes out! Come to think of it, the tailpipe represents the anus in all of this.

But, of course!

Now, I went and felt my tail pipe. The edge of the tailpipe was sharp!  Kinda of like my vagina! If I attempted to do something like this, it would take “tearing that puny up” to a whole other level!

Darn Tootin’!

Now, I know that you are not a dumb dumb. And you should know that you are not a dumb dumb. But, for the person sitting beside you, wherever you are, may be a dumb dumb!  So it goes without saying-please do not stick your peckerwood into a hot tailpipe! Also, please do not do this in an underground parking garage with your neighbor’s cars around! What man would do this as a dare from a really cute Stupida, and then after all this, you both realize that the security camera DOES kinda, sorta point in the direction of Miss Stupida’s car, and when you both think to yourselves that nothing else could go wrong, as soon as you run to the secured door, Mister Man gets his ding-a-ling caught in his zippa!

Not that I have seen this happen in front of me.

It is just a for instance!

WARNING: Your car has its own kind of STD! Yes, Possums, your car can have what I like to call “Car-mydia”. If you leave the engine on while you are having sex with your car, the car’s exhaust contains carbon monoxide, which is known as a slow and silent killer. And if you are thrusting and the car is on, then you are going to be breathing quite heavily in and out, non? But, unlike Chlamydia, “Car-mydia” can kill you…and make your penis fall off!

That should deter you enough!

Now, I have to also warn you that when you are pulling out your peckerwood, if you are White- you may think that it turned your Ya-hoo gangrene, and if you are of a darker persuasion, you may not even know the difference! Ha!  The inside of the tailpipe is full of dirt, grind and debris. The one thing I would do (which you should do anyways) is take a good wash to your tailpipe. A quick wipe with warm water and mild detergent will do the trick!

What about protection? Should you lube or shouldn’t you? If I had a penis, I don’t know if I would lube, and you know I am all about moisturizing. I mean, I put hemorrhoid cream on my face! But darling, if you do decide, you will definitely have to make sure that you use water-based lubricant, cause with all the said grind and poisonous gases that come out of that hole, you don’t want anything to blow up on you afterward! Don’t worry about getting lubie inside the tailpipe, or if you end up “kum-quating” into it. Just make sure that you drive your car afterward for at least a half an hour to “burn” it all out.

NOTE: If you think that your kid brother, cousin, co-worker, the cook, your gardener, your father, grand-daddy, or even your sister’s husband may try to do this after you…use a condom! I ain’t no doctor, but no amount of carbon monoxide can burn off an STD, I think!

Do you want to hear something that kind of tickled me, besides trying to picture really large men, with really small peckerwoods doing this?  Is that this is one of the only acts where men actually don’t mind “doing” foreplay!

Hot damn!

Foreplay, in this situation, is very similar to masturbating. You want to picture it. You want to rely heavily on the senses. To many a man, it is all about the tasting and the stroking of the exteriors and interiors of the car. Some even take to rubbing their Long-John-Dangles along the panels; only to jerk off and end it right there.

Now in the throes of passion, you have to remember not too thrust to quick! You have to keep everything steady because your car’s tailpipe may have sharp edges! If rocking is your game (some men do need this) the best way to achieve this is to gauge what gear you need to put your car into. You should move the car in PARK with the emergency brake off and hold on to the back of your car tight, while on your knees.

And away you go!

Now, Mister Man, I want you to sit down and have a good long think about this, if you may or may not do this. The main question is to ask yourself, “can my peckerwood fit into the tailpipe?” Now, it seems dumb, but you would be surprised on how many a man could try to twist and stuff it all into a smaller exhaust pipe and end up in the end, having a platypus for a penis! As long as I have been waiting for God to add extra benefits to his fine creation, no one, I repeat no one, wants a peckerwood that looks like a paddle! At least, not the last time I checked!

And lastly, don’t sneeze.

Sweet Jesus, please don’t sneeze!

*pic from Telegraph.co.uk

All Contents Copyright 2008-2011. lucresialinton.com All Rights Reserved.