I know that the “Five Stages” are supposed to be helpful when dealing with grief.

But, I ask you, could that be applied to any type of grief?

Stage One-Denial

“Spinach, again?” I asked yesterday, as I watched Ava sit down with another plate of spinach in front of her.

Stage Two-Anger

This is getting ridiculous!

But, let me tell you how I could never get Miss Ava to eat even an ounce of spinach before, let alone look at it!

Possums, I don’t even think she likes the color green!  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some spinach! But, it has to go with scrambled eggs, a side of bacon, a small stack of toast and some orange juice just to wash it down!

And now that since Ms. Seyfried has declared that spinach and only spinach, was going to help her shed her pounds, that is all that Ava has been eating!  I know that I am being silly, but Possums, I didn’t realize that there really was a “raw” part of the diet.

When you turn down good food in my house, that I had to sweat over, push my hair back, wipe my brow and lovingly make that phone call to my favorite Chinese restaurant, then hell’s gonna pay! Okay, I only ordered a side of plain fried rice and some steamed veggies. But, Possums, I made my famous award-winning (okay only in my mind) fried chicken. I had to wash the chicken in vinegar and water, and then I made a nice “chicken rub” of seasoning salt, parsley, oregano, garlic and onion. Then, I had to roll the chicken into the egg, then the rub, and at last the flour. And then bake it in the oven.  So, you can figure where the anger was stemming from!

Stage Three-Bargaining

“Where’s my spinach?” asked Ava.

“Tonight, you are going to take a break from “your spinach”. Ava, just because Miss Skinny-ninny said that all she was going to yam was spinach, doesn’t mean that it is all you gonna eat too!” I told her.

“Why not?” she asked.

You know Possums, they say in life when a child asks you a tough question, you need to do everything you can to not only question everything they put in front of you, but pepper them with knowledge at the same time. In other words, play water with fire! (Side Note: Just to let you know, I am the only holding the bucket of water!)

“Do you want to be bulimic?” I asked her.

“Bulimic?”

“It is when you eat your food, my food and a half a cupboard of snacks and THEN you make yourself throw up!”

“What does that do?”

“You never gain weight!”

“Umm…”

“Forget that!” I told her.  “Do you know the facts of anorexia, Ava?”

“I know that-,” she started and I pulled a Kanye on her. I was not going to let her finish!

“Miss Ava, do you want your period to stop?” I asked.

“Yes, then I won’t get no more pains every month,” she answered.

“I guess!!! Yeah, those period pains are painful, aren’t they?” I said.

“ Miss Ava, do you want your clothes to hang off you like a hanger?” I asked.

“Yes, cause then I can fit into a size two,” she answered.

“I guess!!!  Yeah, fitting in a size two would be nice.  It seems that most designers are not cutting the cloth the way they used to.  Non?” I said.

“But, Miss Ava, do you want your bones to stick out all over the place?” I asked.

“Yes, then everyone will notice that I have high cheekbones!” she answered.

“I guess!!! I, myself have always wanted those chiseled cheekbones and strong jaw-lines of Miss Sophia Loren. Remember I played her all last year and two months of this year?” I said.

“But, Miss Ava, do you want to lose all your coloring in your face?” I asked.

“Yes, then maybe the blemishes on my face will get lighter!” she answered.

“I guess!!! I do have a little trouble with covering up the odd blemish I get here and there. If it wasn’t for my bronzer, I wouldn’t know what to do!”

Stage Four-Depression

“I just want to look a bit skinner. Remember, all that attention those boys gave that girl yesterday when she was walking by them in the mall? She had really skinny thighs and a large space between her legs. I want that!” said Ava.

“Ava, let me tell you something that I realized a long time ago.”

“Yes,” she answered.

“Come close.”

“Closer.”

“A little closer.”

And then for dramatic effect, so that she could remember this for the rest of her life, I put about five inches of space between her face and mine (don’t worry, I didn’t eat the chicken, yet) and I said to her, “You may think that you want to be one of those girls who have a big space between their legs when they walk. But, let me tell you, Ladybird, one of the sweetest things to a man is when you are in a mist of making love and you have enough strength to wrap your legs around his waist and squeeze it tight! Another thing, no man is ever thinking if there is space between your thighs, when you walk. He is only thinking that there better be something there in that said space that is holding the whole damn thing together!  Remember that!”

And with that I turned and went into the bathroom.

Stage Five-Acceptance

I then remembered one thing.

“Ava?” I called from the bathroom.

“Yes.”

“Do you want to be left with a smaller chest than what you have?  Cause when you lose a ton of weight, right quick, they tend to detach themselves and float away”

“Ava?”

“Ava?”

“Hello, Miss Ava?”

I walked into kitchen only to hear the sound of the microwave going off.

“I see you’re eating the pizza, you refused last night.”

“Yes,” she answered in between bites.

“It has Chicken, Feta… and Spinach on it.”

All Contents Copyright 2008-2011. lucresialinton.com All Rights Reserved.