mnnnnnnNot since that refugee girl on the cover of National Geographic, has a woman’s eyes betwixt me.

And that is the eyes of Miss Donyale Luna.

Sometimes, God has a way of choosing a soul to carve a new road into an old business. Hers was a new face and the “old” business was the fashion industry. Unfortunately, it is those souls who quickly live fast, crash and then burn.

A cocktail of beauty, Miss Peggy Anne Freeman a.k.a Donyale Luna, was discovered by the photographer David McCabe, who convinced her to trot on over New York City from Detroit and have a try at stardom.

She said, “Back in Detroit I wasn’t considered beautiful or anything, but here I’m different.”

Her mother wanted her to live a life of giving sponge baths and scraping vomit off the floor. She wanted her to be a nurse.  Who cares?  Possums, that kind of work is secure! Her mother scolded her for running off with the first white man that promised her fame. But, if the world is a stage, then Miss Luna wanted to see her name on the Marquee!

ddAt 6′ 2 and with bright azure blue contact lenses (I told Ava that they DO looked good on Black people, I’m a gonna get them back!), Miss Luna was a rarity indeed!

She sat high on a unique perch looking down at the fashion world and that of her people’s world, too. For a model with so many “firsts”  Miss Luna spent much of her life denying her African-American heritage. But, don’t we all in a way? How many famous Black people just say they are just Black or just African-American? They are always trying to bring every nook and granny out of the wood-work. The other day, a journalist asked me “What was my culture?” I told him I was “Black”. The man was not amused. So, I corrected myself and asked him to forgive me. Possums, you should be happy to know that I, Lucresia Linton, am of Cuban, Black, Cherokee, Jamaican, Chinese, African-American, English, Jewish heritage and depending how far deep in the bushes you are willing to walk- Arawak and Taino Indigenous people, too!

Miss Luna ushered in androgynous modeling with her brown tight thighs and long legs in short graphic mini-dresses.

As, I said, hers was a legendary career of firsts:

  • Upon her arrival she secured exclusive contract to famed photographer Richard Avedon
  • First model of ethnic origin to appear on Vogue; appearing on the March 1966 issue.
  • The first black woman to be featured on a U.S. fashion magazine: the January 1965 issue of Harper’s Bazaar
  • Time Magazine published an article about her titled, “The Luna Year” on April 1, 1966

PlayboyThus, she was the first notable African American supermodel.   That’s right!  Someone is throwing a cell phone in the air at the help right now!

When Mr. Avedon had to cancel his contract due to pressure, Miss Luna then fled to Europe. Just like Josephine Baker before her, it made her even a bigger star!

“I love New York,” she said. “But there were bad things. People were on drugs or hung up on pot. There was homosexuality and lesbianism and people who liked to hurt.”

DonyaPossums, I am booking the next flight out to New York!

Maybe her mama was right after all.

Her images continued to vibrate with the 1960s and 1970s sexual revolution. Having caught the eye of none other than Mr. Andy Warhol, himself, she appeared in several Andy Warhol films. She was only one of two black women to be part of the Warhol studio.  I would have been, but unfortunately I was born many years too late. And to think that Mr. Warhol could have put my breasts to good use!

Miss Luna appeared in films by Federico Fellini and Otto Preminger. She was cast in the lead of the film “Salome,” released in 1972.dl-

Considered one of the artist Salvador Dali’s favorite models, Miss Luna also appeared in a nude photo layout in the April 1975 issue of Playboy.

Possums, what do we learn from Miss Luna’s life?

When you look in someone’s eyes, you see a soul there. We learn that a woman’s beauty, body, mind and spirit make up her individuality. She saw her body as art. When you see your body and the self as art, you tend to live life in a more extraordinary and explosive way.

Possums, your life is a dialogue.

It is hard for women and even men to see this now because of a corrupt perception of what true beauty is.  Miss Luna did not bend to the mainstream status quo that the media and public tried to make her stick to. One can only imagine what she went through being the first in the 1960′s.

Luna died of an accidental pill overdose in Rome, Italy.

She was just 33 years old.

She left behind a daughter she named, Dream.

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BeFunky16Possums, would you like to know what happens when you leave an impressionable child

for one hour with a cantankerous woman?

Well, player read on.

I was on the topic of discussing the upkeep of a woman’s vagina and whatnot’s to Ava, when Miss Ava lets me know that my mother had already explained it to her.

Possums, you know that when an extremely old and wise lady, such as my mother, bestows wisdom upon the population, inquiring minds want to know.

So, I was like, “Do share!”

“Well, you know how God made Adam right?” asked Miss Ava.

“Uh-uh,” I answered.fashiod

“And then he made Eve,” Ava stated.

“I remember. I was there and…” I said.

“One day, Adam walked passed Eve and he noticed a strong smell coming from her. Adam realized that the smell was coming from her underarm and he made Eve lift it up. Well underneath, Adam discovered that God had placed her vagina there,” said Ava, pausing for the effect, looking at me directly.

Holding my gaze, she continued slowly, “Right there in her armpit! Adam, thought to himself that God must have made some kind of mistake cause it really smelled!”

“Are you trying to tell me that Adam really questioned God?” I asked.

“Yes, he did!” answered Ava. “He told God that maybe He needed to re-think His design of the woman and put the vagina some place where it would not smell,” said Ava.

“Or, be noticeable. Can you imagine when Eve had to serve up potato salad at the dinner table and she had to lift up her arms? Hot damn!” I said.

“And that is why God placed the vagina down low at the bottom, so that it could be covered up by her underwear…or leaves…whatever!” she finished.

“Ava, I ask you, if God halifed really put the vagina underneath her arm…well, are you trying to tell me that during sex, Adam would stick his pecker wood back and forth underneath this woman’s underarm?” I asked.

“Yes!” she answered.

“Well, that’s a position I never tried!” I said.

I then asked Ava, “Okay, Ladybird, why is there still hair underneath the arm, then?”

“Well, God couldn’t leave it empty, so He left hair there to cover up the space where the vagina used to be! That is why there are folds within the armpit”

“But, of course!” I answered.

Possums, I was gob smacked!

Well, not really…

Where do you think I got the “you only have three friends in the world-God, your wallet, and you front” from?

Yes. My mother.

Man. I would have given anything to see the nun at school talk her way out of that one!

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befunky_artworkfggdHave you ever been in a crowded room full of people, especially men, and no matter how amazing you look, they seem more interested in talk of basketball and other worldly sports? I am here, Possums, to give you a topic that is going to stop them dead in their tracks and bring all the attention back to you.

Guaranteed.

Yes, Possums, the heading is exactly as you read it-“Men Having Sex with Cars”. Some men are turned on by breasts, some by full bottoms, other men are turned on by something not so silicone in nature, but by something made more out of fiberglass….the leather is optional. Some men crave to make love to their cars.

I don’t know what is wrong with me? When I see a Hyundai Accent, I see a Hyundai Accent. When I see a Civic. I see a Civic. When some men (and a teeny, tiny amount of ladies) see a Hyundai Accent et al, they see a love machine!

But, you ask yourself, how prey-tell does a man have sex with a car?  Well, do you remember that scene in Beverly Hills Cop I, where Eddie Murphy makes that joke about putting “the banana in the tailpipe”? Who knew that there was some truth to it?

The tailpipe of the car, for people in the know, is located where the exhaust comes out. For people, like moi, it is in the back of the car where the smoke comes out! Come to think of it, the tailpipe represents the anus in all of this.

But, of course!

Now, I went and felt my tail pipe. The edge of the tailpipe was sharp!  Kinda of like my vagina! If I attempted to do something like this, it would take “tearing that puny up” to a whole other level!

Darn Tootin’!

Now, I know that you are not a dumb dumb. And you should know that you are not a dumb dumb. But, for the person sitting beside you, wherever you are, may be a dumb dumb!  So it goes without saying-please do not stick your peckerwood into a hot tailpipe! Also, please do not do this in an underground parking garage with your neighbor’s cars around! What man would do this as a dare from a really cute Stupida, and then after all this, you both realize that the security camera DOES kinda, sorta point in the direction of Miss Stupida’s car, and when you both think to yourselves that nothing else could go wrong, as soon as you run to the secured door, Mister Man gets his ding-a-ling caught in his zippa!

Not that I have seen this happen in front of me.

carsIt is just a for instance!

WARNING: Your car has its own kind of STD! Yes, Possums, your car can have what I like to call “Car-mydia”. If you leave the engine on while you are having sex with your car, the car’s exhaust contains carbon monoxide, which is known as a slow and silent killer. And if you are thrusting and the car is on, then you are going to be breathing quite heavily in and out, non? But, unlike Chlamydia, “Car-mydia” can kill you…and make your penis fall off!

That should deter you enough!

Now, I have to also warn you that when you are pulling out your peckerwood, if you are White- you may think that it turned your Ya-hoo gangrene, and if you are of a darker persuasion, you may not even know the difference! Ha!  The inside of the tailpipe is full of dirt, grind and debris. The one thing I would do (which you should do anyways) is take a good wash to your tailpipe. A quick wipe with warm water and mild detergent will do the trick!

What about protection? Should you lube or shouldn’t you? If I had a penis, I don’t know if I would lube, and you know I am all about moisturizing. I mean, I put hemorrhoid cream on my face! But darling, if you do decide, you will definitely have to make sure that you use water-based lubricant, cause with all the said grind and poisonous gases that come out of that hole, you don’t want anything to blow up on you afterward! Don’t worry about getting lubie inside the tailpipe, or if you end up “kum-quating” into it. Just make sure that you drive your car afterward for at least a half an hour to “burn” it all out.

NOTE: If you think that your kid brother, cousin, co-worker, the cook, your gardener, your father, grand-daddy, or even your sister’s husband may try to do this after you…use a condom! I ain’t no doctor, but no amount of carbon monoxide can burn off an STD, I think!

Do you want to hear something that kind of tickled me, besides trying to picture really large men, with really small peckerwoods doing this?  Is that this is one of the only acts where men actually don’t mind “doing” foreplay!

Hot damn!

Foreplay, in this situation, is very similar to masturbating. You want to picture it. You want to rely heavily on the senses. To sexymany a man, it is all about the tasting and the stroking of the exteriors and interiors of the car. Some even take to rubbing their Long-John-Dangles along the panels; only to jerk off and end it right there.

Now in the throes of passion, you have to remember not too thrust to quick! You have to keep everything steady because your car’s tailpipe may have sharp edges! If rocking is your game (some men do need this) the best way to achieve this is to gauge what gear you need to put your car into. You should move the car in PARK with the emergency brake off and hold on to the back of your car tight, while on your knees.

And away you go!

Now, Mister Man, I want you to sit down and have a good long think about this, if you may or may not do this. The main question is to ask yourself, “can my peckerwood fit into the tailpipe?” Now, it seems dumb, but you would be surprised on how many a man could try to twist and stuff it all into a smaller exhaust pipe and end up in the end, having a platypus for a penis! As long as I have been waiting for God to add extra benefits to his fine creation, no one, I repeat no one, wants a peckerwood that looks like a paddle! At least, not the last time I checked!

And lastly, don’t sneeze.

Sweet Jesus, please don’t sneeze!

*pic from Telegraph.co.uk

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rocrwerweA update for the following post-Five Things to Do to Live a Gregarious Life-Reducing Your Carbon Footprint

So Possums, I got an email from my friend (I will call her Stupida) who chastised me about my Five Things to Do to Live a Gregarious Life-Reducing Your Carbon Footprint.  She said that none of the things I wrote had anything to do with reducing people’s carbon footprint. I was like, “whatever Mrs. Greenjeans, you need to do a #3, followed by a #4″!

Funny thing though, when I asked Mrs. Greenjeans if she did the “tuck and fold” to help out the environment, she answered- “no”.

I always knew that girl was anal retentive!

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burtie

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befunky_artworkkklPossums, sometimes God answers your prayers, even before it enters your mind.

I was cutting through Wal-Mart on my way to the parking lot when I stumbled upon a clearance rack marked- $3.00. You know that line about-“never cut in front of a Black man in a buffet line”? Well, Possums, when it comes to me and clearance racks, watch out!

I pushed my way past three women and found a good bra for only $3.00! I snatched it up quickly! Although I am a 40DD and the bra was 42DD, what’s an extra cup? Extra cups are good. I reckoned if I was at the Last Supper with Jesus, and I was offered an extra glass of vintage red wine from circa 550 B.C.

I would be like,”Yes please!”

It was while I was walking towards check-out that I realized that there was no reason for me pushing and shoving my way to get to the rack because of the size of my breasts.  I did feel a tad embarrassed that I was the only one there who picked up the largest size bra. I did see a couple of ladies look back to see whose chest the hand belonged to. But, then I thought to myself that I was going to get a top-of-the-line-Fruit-of-the-Loom-Just-My-Size bra for only $3.00!  I quickly got over it!  Much like Elin getting over Mr. “Frosted Flakes” Tiger’s indiscretions!

Possums, I know that you know a lot about Wal-Mart. And there is a pressing question I have been wondering aloud to myself-why in the hell’s bells do people stand in those long lines and never go to the Electronics and Jewelry section? Ain’t any body in there! It is the recession! No one is spending money on these items. So, remember to check out at either section. The sales people are bored and wide open…like me.

But, of course!

I went to the Electronics section and the man was so glad to see me that he hopped to and fro to ring me out!

He started to chat to me about how many plastic bags did I need. I told him about three of them (I had picked up some sugar and a couple of pops).f6331229ba2eks1 We both hadn’t realized that the line was starting to get a little long. There was a flat-chested lady and her husband and a next man after them. Well, Mr. Wal-Mart decides to start fidgeting with my bra cause he couldn’t find the price tag.  He was fondling my bra so much, that I swear he must still be a virgin! All he needed was some soft lighting and music and then he would have himself a porno! Possums, he already had an audience!

Then I turned around to realize that the man was on the phone calling the Lingerie department!

Possums, they say that when you are about to get real embarrassed, I mean really embarrassed, God somehow gives you a sign, just before it happens. I think it is in the Bible or something. But, in this case it didn’t happen.

“Yes, I have a bra here that doesn’t have the price on it. Can you please give me a price check?” asked Mr. Wal-Mart Man.

He continued, “It is a Fruit of the Loom; the model is Just My Size. The size is 42DD. Oh, you don’t need that. Okay. It has a large white woman on the front with her arms up…oh, you don’t need that either?”
”Can you tell the person, that I got it from the clearance rack as soon as you enter in from the mall entrance! It was $3.00,” I  whispered.

“She got it from the clearance rack as soon as you enter in from the mall entrance. She says that it is $3.00. Yeah, I know that it is really a good price. Oh, by the way the bra is black and made out of soft material and is a 42DD cup size. Oh, I forgot I mentioned that already. My bad!”

As Mr. Wal-mart Man felt my bra’s material, one of the cups of my bra started to jut out. And it jutted out in a big way!  The line behind me started to get restless, as we waited for the Lingerie department to call back.

Possums, I threw the lady behind me, a smile.

The lady threw me a screw-face.

So, I threw her husband a smile.

And he looked on appreciative!

Good!

“Oh, wait m’am, here is the price! It was tucked into all this extra material”

“Really now?”  I answered. Possums, I know I heard the husband snicker!

Then Wal-Mart Man picked up his phone and placed another call to the Lingerie department.

“You know that 42DD black bra? Well, I found the price tag.  My bad!”

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likeyyqqPossums, I think I found the reason for my flat bottom troubles-I have been sitting too much on it! I have decided to sit more on something else…

But, of course!

So, for now, I am taking to writing to you, while standing up at my kitchen’s island. I thought that in order to attain a higher bottom, why not start from a higher altitude.  Speaking of higher altitude, yesterday it hit high heaven!

Yesterday, I went on a quick trot with Ava and my mother to my one of my favorite places in the world-Buffalo!  When we pulled up to the customs at the border, there was a large amount of cars wating to go through. At one car, a woman was being escorted after they rummaged through her purse in front of everyone.

I pulled up for my close-up.

“What nationality are you’s?” was really “Don’t you think you’s come over our parts waay too often?”

“So, what kind of deals are you going to get?” was really “What sort of drugs are you all going to pick-up-marijuana or something of the white powdered persuasion?”

“So, which part of Buffalo are you going to?” was really “Where can I alert my comrades to start casing the joint?”

“She is really your mother?” was really “Wow, you poor thing, thank heavens you don’t look like her!”

“You all have a nice day!” was really “You all have a nice day!”

But, let me tell you how we got lost as soon as we got over the border….and we had a GPS!  Ava pushed the wrong button and I drove back to another border crossing. We were going back to Canada after just being in Buffalo for fifteen minutes!  So, I decided to take over the GPS and we had to take the scenic route back to uptown Buffalo.

“Why do the places look so torn down?” asked my mother.

“They probably don’t have the money to fix it up the way they want to?” I answered as I drove through the streets. Miss Ava was bopping to her IPOD, so she wasn’t paying us no mind.

“But, that can’t be necessarily true, look at those houses over there.”

“That my dear mother, is the projects.”

super_afro__comb“Oh. But, I would rather live here then! Look how nice their lawns look and everyone is sitting on their stoops, talking, smoking and braiding their hair.  They look so neighborly,” commented my mother.

“I guess!”

Ava and I came to Buffalo for clothes. My mother, Possums, came to Buffalo for one thing-hair!  For as long as I can remember hair has always been an integral part of my life and that of my family’s. I remember as a child, my sister and I would go upstairs with thick short hair and come downstairs with long luxurious synthetic kanekalon hair, braided just so.  My mother would beam at her handiwork and my father would just shake his head and go back to puffing away at his cigarette.

In Buffalo, we went to three places that sold hair. And in one of the places, my mother wanted something so unimaginable for me, that I don’t even think that as a fashionista I could talk about it with you. But, since Marc Jacobs sent it down the runway last season, I guess I could bear to talk about it. My mother fell in love with an Afro wig!

But, as you know any woman worth a grain of salt would not be a real woman unless she bargains.

“I don’t know if I like the wig that much,” said my mother to the Hair Man.

“Let me be honest with you, I have seen many women try on this Afro wig and you are the only woman who pulled this off. It suits you,” he replied.

“Well, I know it suits me, but what doesn’t suit me is the price. I don’t like the price,” stated my mother.

“You don’t like the price? Let me be honest with you, you are killing me here. I am not making any money on this. What price would make you feel better about buying this wig?” asked the hair man.

“$15.00,” answered my mother.

“$15.00! You’re hurting me! Do you know how much trouble I am in? It is $19.00.”

Possums, I stood back and let my mother debate back and forth with this man. I am not too fond of this man.  Last time I came to Buffalo, he kept on pressuring me to buy an Obama key chain, although I told him I am a Canadian. When I wasn’t budging, he actually started to go down in price, on his own, until he finally convince me to give him a dollar, cause he has a “soft” spot for black people!

Trouble?

Jigga please!

I could see the “trouble” he was in.  I returned six months later, and his place is renovated and brand new.

Trouble indeed!

Now his associate got into the haggling and they started to speak to each other in Arabic and talked back to my mother in English. I can just imagine what he is really saying about us. I could tell which “soft spot” he wanted us to kiss. But, my mother wouldn’t back down.

A little black boy with his mother came in with a box of chocolates and asked my mother if she wanted to buy it. She told him no. And then he asked if she wanted to make a donation. And she gave him some change.  Possums, they say that when God closes a door, he throws a wig threw a window! Mr. Hair Man broke down! She was gonna get her wig and she was going to get the wig at her price!

Then I noticed something- the skinny jeans, the dominatrix tops and now the Afro wig, I realized that my mother was trying to recapture her youth. Wow.  So, I didn’t stand in her way.  I started to encourage her to get her wig. Ava walked out of the store, when my mother put it on. I think Ava wanted to laugh in peace…and I followed her.

I came outside to find the mother of the boy slapping him in his back for dropping his boxes of chocolates on the sidewalk. She saw me looking at him and turned her back on me. She must of hit the poor little boy so hard that not only did his box of chocolates fell on the floor, but he must have forgot that he already asked us for money, that he asked again! I felt bad that I gave him a donation; trying to ease the pain of him having a stupid mother.  Possums, I learned that the truth does hurt some times.

It was time to leave Buffalo. Ava and I got our new clothes. My mother got her new hair, albeit an Afro, but hair is hair. The one thing I like about road trips is that it is the one time where you can just embrace solitude…usually!  Here I was with a truck swerving on one side of me, my mother keeps on poking my shoulder from behind (as if I couldn’t hear her), Ava is chit-chatting on one side of me and jazz is playing in the front!  Let me wrap that up, all in a can,  and sell it to truckers. That will keep them awake on the long drives at night!

We (again) headed to the border.

“How long have you been gone?” asked the border officer.

“We arrived in Buffalo at about one o’clock,” I replied.

“So you went away for ten hours of shopping?” she asked.

“Why has it really been that long?” I answered sweetly.

“Can you open the trunk please?”

Sure! This was it. We were going to be caught with at least ten pounds of hair! Is there really a federal charge for this? What would it be-procession of weaved products?

The officer closed the trunk and walked back to the car.

Did I tell you the officer was a Black woman with silky long hair?

She gave me a knowing smile. It was from one weaved sister to another.

“Welcome, back to Canada Ladies.”

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