May
31

Not Tonight Dear I Have Arthritis

xhrtmasI have just discovered a get-out-of things-that-I-don’t-feel-like-doing-during-sex-free card!

Historically, women have told men, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.”

Honestly, it was on an episode of “Little House on the Prairie”!

But, Possums, I am not like most women.  Cause we all know that, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache” don’t always go over too well; that men will keep on nagging you to sleep with them, so you do just to shut them up!

Not that this has happened to me.

It is just a for instan…okay, this has happened to me.

And with having Sjögren’s Syndrome, I may one day have to face the possibilities of having a very dry vagina.  What can I say? “Sorry, not tonight King Henry, I’m dry, I have Sjögren’s Syndrome.”

SIDE NOTE: I know. I know. King Henry? Oh, Possums, you don’t know the many names I have had to come up with during the throes of passion.

The best “free card” I have come up with?

“Sorry, King Henry, can you get me another glass of water and while you’re at it make me a sandwich with prosciutto, Swiss cheese, and add some slices of tomato from the second shelf in the fridge, cause I feel dry…I have Sjögren’s Syndrome.”

And instead of going over my grocery lists in my head, I will now have to think of all things wet during sport nooky:

1. Niagara FallsGeorge_Clooney

2. A summer’s day on a Slip and Slide

3. Running through sprinklers naked

4. Swimming at the beach

5. George Clooney

6. George Clooney

7. George Clooney

But, I digress.

Possums, they say that when God gives you lemons, you should beat them into a froth, pour them into a crust and make lemon meringue pie!  So, if and whmben I need to, I have carefully compiled a list of “sayings” to get me out of a jam:

1. “Sorry dear, I can’t do doggy-style tonight, I have rheumatoid arthritis.”

2. “Sorry dear, I can’t stroke your manhood, I have rheumatoid arthritis.”

3. “Sorry, dear, I can’t ride you like a horsey cause my back hurts, cause I have rheumatoid arthritis.”

4. “Sorry, dear, I know that you want me on my knees, but I can’t, I have rheumatoid arthritis.”

5. “Sorry, dear, I can’t massage your back, I have rheumatoid arthritis.”

6. “Sorry, dear, why don’t you massage my back instead, do you remember I have rheumatoid arthritis!”

7. “Sorry, dear, my best friend can’t watch, I have rheumatoid arthritis.”

8. “Sorry, dear, can you hold the vibrator instead, cause my hands are shaky, I have rheumatoid arthritis.”

9. And my favorite-”Sorry dear, I can’t open my mouth that wide, cause I have rheumatoid arthritis. What do you mean, rheumatoid arthritis has nothing to do with my mouth?”

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May
31

Did I Tell You How Big My Mother Bush Was?

Remember this post:

http://lucresialinton.com/2010/04/01/my-mother-now-has-more-bush-than-me/

Possums, what happens when you mix Chinese food and forget family bickering-trying on my mother’s Afro wig!

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No, Possums, there are no photos of me.

It cost me $50, a clothing store gift certificate and a sub.

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May
24

An Aside-Chromosome 6

metoPossums, I just had to do it.

I know I shouldn’t.

But, it was just so delicious and I wanted to have a little fun.

“Hello.”

“Mom, you gave me chromosome 6!” I said to her.

SIDE NOTE: Possums, one of the characteristics of SLE is having chromosome 6.

“I gave you what?”genetics she asked me.

“You gave me chromosome 6!” I repeated.

“I didn’t give anything! Anyways, it sounds better than anything else someone could have given you!”

“You did give it to me! Massa, in the near future you should be careful who you choose to sleep with!” I told her.

“And so should you!”

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May
24

An Aside-Legs Wide Shut

swinginbefunky_artworkbgbgbg“I believe in miracles, where you from? You sexy thang…”my mother sang loudly with the song on the radio.

We were on the last leg of our drive back from a shopping trip in Buffalo and I was cranky and tired.

“You know you were never ever as hot as me, when I was young,” my mother proclaimed.

“Huh, huh,” I answered.

Ava, sitting in the passenger seat, looked nervously over to me with a smile. I smiled back.

“This reminds me of the time when I wore my Afro and my short mini dresses. My legs looked neat! And you know what I would do with my legs?” she asked.

“Keep them opened?” I responded.

The mother sucked her teeth.

Ava laughed and laughed and laughed.

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May
22

Did You Know That Holy Water Doesn’t Burn

kou2Oh Possums, I have seen my very near future and it is filled with healings and Bible revivals!

Everyone is trying to burn the sickness right out of me!

People are burning Frankincense, Myrrh and Sage around me. I have been waking up to find aroma of smoke and it ain’t from bacon! Crucifixes are hanging from the strangest places-over my kitchen island, over my bed and over my bathroom mirror. Like I need any crucifixes in my bathroom.  All I need is a daily dose of fiber, a spanking new magazine and I can use the bathroom just fine!

My mother is convinced that there is only one way to detox a body out, and that is to call Gospel Man and Preacher Woman.

Let me tell you about Gospel Man and Preacher Woman. They arinve the only Black people who are free on Friday nights! It is funny how a cheque or cash totaling $350.00 always frees up a busy schedule.

And don’t even try worrying about keep a running tab with them. Gospel Man is quite up with the Joneses.

He carries a debit card machine.

Gospel Man placed down a rock on the table.

“What’s does this symbolize?” I asked.

“This symbolizes to keep your feet on the ground.”

Then Gospel Man placed down a feather on the table.

“What’s does this symbolize?” I asked.

“This symbolizes for your dreams to always take flight.”

Then Gospel Man placed down an apple on the table.

“What’s does this symbolize?” I asked.

“This symbolizes to always remember to share your bounty with others.”

Then Gospel Man placed down a piece of gum on the tablehan.

“What’s does this symbolize?” I asked.

“Gum. It’s for me to chew.”

“Oh.”
Then I had to sit on chair in the middle of the room with a glass of water in front of me.

“What’s that water there for?” I asked Preacher Woman as I watched her tie up her head with a white scarf.

“It is for you to drink after the ceremony,” she answered.

“Won’t a glass of Coke do?”

She gave me a look and started to bang on her tambourine, while Gospel Man doused me with holy water.

Possums, did you know that holy water doesn’t burn?

I assumed that someone of a certain worldly and sophisticated nature as I am, their skin would burn. But, it doesn’t.

Thank Christ!

But, I don’t care.  It didn’t work!

And it still hurts to type!

My fingers, at times, are still swollen and red, that on a Black person I look like a colorful walking piñata!

cooltext4451177864I did feel light in the head, though.

Or was it my pockets!

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May
16

This Is How You Do Naked With A Bush Full Of Ambiance

renPlus size models are still the soup du jour, but I will also take it as an entre too, s’il vous plait!

Feast on this spread of plus size model Crystal Renn from the May issue of French Vogue.  Bon appetit!

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May
16

An Aside-I’m A Gonna Open Up A Brothel

presI was having my morning espresso when Miss Ava plopped herself in front of me at the kitchen table.

“If something were to happen to you, I will be okay. I know how I am going to support myself,” she said looking at me.

“Oh, yeah? What do you plan to do?” I asked, taking another sip of my espresso.

“I’m a gonna open myself up a brothel,” she replied.

“Excuse you!”

Possums, she was dead serious.

You see every other Saturday morning, Ava likes to sit in front of her computer and look up old movies (old being-from the eighties) and watch a few of them.  I know that it may sound boring, but I am thankful that it is still the little things that give her joy.

“Excuse you!” I repeated.

brothel“I was watching the movie ‘Risky Business‘, you know the one where Tom Cruise dances in his underwear and that’s where I got the idea from,” she stated.

“Hmmn. So brothel, eh?”

“Yes, and I am going to rent a place, get some girls and take a cut every time they are with a guy,” she explained looking right at me, not even batting an eye-lash.

“Hold on. It is not that simple. Suppose the girls don’t want to give you any money. What are you going to do, then?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” she pondered, looking over my shoulder. “I know. I will take away their hair allowance,” she answered.

“Take away what?” I asked.

“And you know that Black girls always need their hair done, so I will hit them where it hurts! And I will take away their hair allowance AND their nail allowance too!” she finished, still looking at me with a very serious look on her face.

“And what about the cops?” I asked testing her further. ” It IS illegal to open up a brothel in Canada.”

“I will just have to give them some freebies. Freebies and donuts,” she replied.

“And how much are you going to charge?”

Brotheld“I haven’t worked that out yet. But, I know that men will pay any price I tell them. And I may give discounts like ‘Half-Price Tuesdays’ or something.”

“Or something, eh? What about men?  You ain’t going to hire men? You have to be an equal opportunist; I think that’s what they call it.”

“Yeah, I’ll hire some boys too. But, I have to grow my business slowly and see where the demand is.”

Possums!

I mean!

Possums!

Looking at how serious her face was and the fact that she was holding a pad of paper the whole time, I had to actually get up from the table.

It was safer that way.

I took my magazine and headed to the bedroom. I came out to find Ava on the telephone.

“Who you are the phone with?” I asked.

“With Auntie.”

“Oh.” I replied walking past her.

“Auntie do you want a job? I am starting up a brothel.”

Possums, Tom Cruise Has Nothing On This Kid!

Risky Business, Indeed!

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