Well, Possums, I went and got myself a disease!

A few actually.

I know what you are thinking-she went and got herself a disease of a sexual nature.

Hell to the Nah!

I am proud to say that I wrangled up some diseases that even my doctor couldn’t pronounce them properly, so the jigga had to write them down on a piece of paper instead! And when your doctor has to write them down Possums then you know you’s in trouble!

It all started with a phone call. I had taken some blood tests about a couple of months ago. I was feeling achy and tired; really worn down and I don’t think it was due to any extra-curricular activities.

As if!

No, seriously, I checked my calendar and I hadn’t done anyone nothing new.

I was doing the dishes when I had to lie down again. I thought back to the blood test I had taken, but I knew that if it were something serious, surely the doctor would have called me. You know Possums, they say that when God moves you to think of a person, place or thing, that person, place or thing will somehow show up in your life. Well, at that moment the phone rang and the doctor’s office called.

“Wéi?”

SIDE NOTE: I am a Chinese concubine of the Emperor this month. Not the wife. The wife never has any fun or enough jewels!

“Um, I think I got the wrong number. Is this the Linton residence?”

“Why, yes. Yes, it is. Who is this?” I asked.

“Hi, I’m sorry. I thought I heard you speak Chinese or something? I thought maybe it was the maid! I hadn’t realized that you could speak Chinese.”

“Oh, I can’t speak it, but I can do it.”

“Do, it?”

“Yes, I can do Chinese.” I told her.

“ Ha. Ha. Okay. The doctor wants to see you right away. When can you come in?” asked the nurse.

“See, me? Why? Is it about my refill?” I asked.

“No, about the blood test you did a month ago and he wants to see you right away.”

“Right away? What’s wrong? Did he sneak in an AIDS test or something?” I asked her.

“Let me see,” she paused ruffling papers around. “No, I don’t see the HIV nor AIDS box checked off.”

“Why right away then?” I asked.

“How about Monday?”

“When he told you to call me, did the doctor say-’I want to see her right away’ or did he only say-’I want to see her’?”

“What’s the difference? I don’t hear the difference.”she asked.

“The difference is that ‘I want to just see her’ means that he just wants to see me and scold me about something and ‘I want to see her right away’ means I’m a gonna die, next week!”

“Oh, you are too funny! How about Monday, then? It is our earliest opening.”

“It can’t be that serious if you can hold off for another couple of days. Eh?” I asked frantically. “Cause if it was life and death you would have insisted I come in as a walk-in.  Today.”

“Well, you can come in as a walk-in today if you like.”

“So, it is serious! I am gonna die next week of some germ!”

“No, you said that you wouldn’t mind coming in as a walk-in, but if you don’t want to, you can come in on Monday.”

“Okay, Monday it is,” I said to her.

“Okay, see you Monday, Miss Linton.”

“Yeah, if I don’t die first!”

“Okay, have a good day.”

Possums, never have I thought so hard about a man in the middle of the night!  And I am not even sleeping with him!

I walked into the doctor’s office and I was so nervous! I didn’t even get a chance to steal the latest issue of INSTYLE magazine.

I know.

I know.

It’s in the Bible. You shouldn’t steal. But, you probably didn’t read the fine print! You can steal magazines cause they didn’t make magazines back whenever the Bible was drawn up! But, don’t you worry! I know that doctors already factor such things as patients stealing magazines in your bill or why would they keep ordering them in every month? They want us to steal them! Or else they will keep on piling up and there will be no place to put their files. I like to reckon.

But, of course!

“Well, what can I do for you, today?” asked my doctor as he sat down opening my behemoth-of-a-file.

“You told me to come in. Remember? You told the girl that you need to see me more sooner than later,” I answered clinching the bottom of the chair with my real nails.

“Well, your Iron is good,” he stated.

“Mmmn,” I answered.

“And your B12 levels are good,” he stated.

“Mmmn,” I answered.

“Your hemoglobin is really low, but we already know that due to the Sickle Cell Trait.”

“Mmmn. So that’s what I fretted over? So, there’s nothing then.”

“Well, not exactly.” He answered.

“Why I got some germ?” I asked.

“Well, you tested positive for three things. The three things* are….”

STAY TUNED FOR THE RESULTS IN THE NEXT POST-“The Further Trials and Tribulations of Lucresia Linton

*Possums, the moral of this post is-one should never forget about the “tease” in the word striptease.

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