“You know that I am sleeping in your bed tonight!” said Ava with a strong look in her eye.

Possums, in light of all my aches and pains I decided to buy a new mattress cause the other one was getting a bit older…or maybe I used it so much by bouncing on it. That’s it… bouncing on it!

But, of course!

“Cause if I like this mattress, then I can get you to buy a new one for me.”

“Ava, you think that mattresses are cheap? They are expensive! Ain’t nothing wrong with your mattress.”

Possums, I have a love and hate relationship with mattresses and it is not what you think. Did I ever tell you what lead to the tattoo on my right shin?

Well, if I didn’t, read on.

And if I did?

Well, sit tight!

Once a upon a time in Lucresiaville, I dated an extremely cheap Jigga who decided to move back into his parent’s house. He told me that it would be fun, but I knew that he must have entered back into Brokedom Kingdom! Well, one day when we were re-positioning ourselves during some extra-curricular activities, my leg got snagged on to a nail that was sticking out of his mattress!

Possums, you should have seen the look on my doctor’s face when I had to explain how the large cut got there.

And Possums, you should have seen the look on my face when my doctor let me know that I was going to get a tetanus shot!

Doctor Man said that I needed it, just in case it was a rusty nail. I told Doctor Man that the only thing that was rusty was Jigga Man’s moves AND his penis, and if he gives out shots for that?

Possums, apparently they do have shots for that!

But, that is another post.

I followed my sister into the furniture store, so that she could look at sectionals for her living room. I was kind of bored. So what is a good sister suppose to do? She is suppose to walk around pee-pee-cluck-cluck behind her sister and give her advice on what to pick. But, Possums, I am not like most sisters. I found the nearest bed and started to bounce on it. And then bouncing led to me lying fully on my back!

I closed my eyes just to shut out the world and get the feel of the bed. When I opened them I found a small Chinese Man looking right over me!

“Why, hello?” I said.

“Hi. Is there any mattress here that you are looking in particular for?” Mr. Chinese Mattress Man asked.
”No, not really,” I answered.

“Do you like them hard?” asked Mr. Chinese Mattress Man.

“I have never been asked that before. The last mattress I bought was at some bargain basement somewhere. Well, in general, I like things hard. So yes, yes I like them hard.” I responded.

Mr. Chinese Mattress Man then gave me the breakdown of each one and their prices.

Possums, mattresses are expensive!

I remember when my sister told me that our mother paid well over $1500.00 for a set, I thought that she was kidding. Possums, a mattress that price better have a man attached to it that not only pulls back the covers for you, but turns you over at night as you sleep! Kind of like a rotisserie!

The first mattress I prodded.

The second mattress I pounced.

But, it was the third one that I fell in love with. It was soft, but had the potential to be hard at times. Possums, it was the metaphor for my lovers!

I felt like Goldilocks, without all the bears!

I decided on this one called the Crown Royal Plus or something, cause Possums-

I AM A QUEEN.

SIDE NOTE: I always wondered if Queen Latifah repeated this statement to herself growing up. Maybe that is how she got her name.

That night as I laid in my bed, I forgot where I was! I felt that I was staying at the Shangri-La! All that was missing was a classical overture playing in the background called my life! It was divine! You now when you tell yourself that you are just going to close your eyes for just a second and then you realize that a couple of hours have past? Well, that’s what happened to me. When I jumped out of my sleep, Ava was snoring loudly and I needed to use the bathroom. I was so craving to go back to my new bed that I didn’t even decide to take my usual five minute detour of reading a magazine from my bamboo basket.

Possums, I ask you-have you ever climbed Mount Everest? I am not talking about a long duck dong of a man, but a mattress!

I climbed back up on the bed. Literally, up on the bed cause I decided to get the delivery men to put the new mattress on top of my old one. My mother did the same thing with her bed, and you know that unfortunately we are cut from the same cloth.

And then it happened.

Possums, you know they say that sometimes in life when you are in the throes of danger and you reach out for someone, everything slows down. All of the sudden I climbed on to the bed, and then I slowly started to fall backwards. I felt like I was in those Karate movies where they perform all their moves slowly.

“AVA!” I screamed.

“Oh, my goodness! What?” she screamed back. Do you know the girl had to the nerve to shrug back as I was trying to reach out for her!

“Help me Ava, I’m falling!”

“You’re what?”

“Grab my arm I am falling!”

“You’re falling?”

“Yes, I am falling! Can’t you see?”

“Oh, you ARE falling!”

“Would you just hurry up!”

She THEN decided to help me up by grabbing my arm just as I was in mid-air.

Once on the bed, I looked at her.

She looked at me.

And then we burst out laughing!

Possums, do you know that there is no traction on mattresses?

We spent the rest of the night tossing and bouncing.

Ava turned.

I would bounce.

Ava would stretch her arms.

I would bounce.

Ava would even yawn.

Possums. I would bounce!

And then I had a thought-can you just imagine me when I  have sex, I am going to bounce right off the poor guy, and then it will be the end of the relationship cause then he is going to think that he has Superman-strength and decide that he has to now share it with the world?  And then I will be left alone.

At this rate my bed is going to end up in the Smithsonian!

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