Lucresia Linton.com

LIVE FROM NEW YORK!

Possums, have you ever been caught between a rock and a hard place?

What if the rock and the hard place was sweaty and the size of a small powder room?

Not sure?

Well, player read on!

It all started with the diet to end all diets- My Anna Wintour a.k.a Fashion’s Night Out Diet (I needed tough love, and Miss Anna is well-known for not liking the fuller set) and the fact that Miss Ava just recently turned sixteen!

Never you mind what age I had Ava.

Okay, I was ten!

You do the math!

Okay, I wasn’t ten, but I was close enough! I was still in my teens. Don’t be surprise Possums, these things tend to run in families. I have a cousin who has a cousin, which may or may not make us cousins, but cousins we still are and they had their children at like fourteen. I don’t think it is the water, why some children are more prone to be hornier than some. I think you can blame it on boredom…and the fact that Harry Potter books weren’t around back then to keep us preoccupied!

Anyways, in order to prepare for my trip to New York many a things had to take place. There were the obvious-the hair, manicure, pedicure, facial, waxing of the coco, make-up, outfits selection and footwears, but the most important one of all was the buying of the girdle.

So Possums, I decided to christen Ava with her first girdle!

You can never be too young to get a girdle. Trust me, Ava is ready. When the girl heard that she was going to go to New York and that it was going to be in less than a week, she wanted me to get her a corset and strap her in!

Titanic-style!

Now if you want a girdle of all girdles you don’t go to the larger department store. And you definitely don’t go to place like Victoria Secret! Do their models look like they need to hold anything in? They only thing they probably need to hold in is their man! No, Ava and I went to the ghetto. You see Possums, you have to look at the demographics. You don’t go to the large mall where a lot of skinny people hang out, you go to the small mall where the bigger people hang out! Just a little tip from me to you.

Ava tried on this fabulous girdle that I picked out. But, let me tell you how it made her lose like 10 pounds!!! No lie! I turned to Girdle Woman and told her to grab me one to try on and supersize it please!

“But, this can’t be right! What is going on?” I asked myself as I tugged on the girdle.

“Mmmn..okay.”

It wouldn’t budge. I then took off the girdle and put in one foot at a time.

I wiggled the girdle half way up one leg and then slipped my other foot in and pulled up the girdle on the other side. All of the sudden, the light began to dim.  I then turned around so that I didn’t have to see my reflection in the mirror.

I wasn’t quite there yet. I then tried to get it over my hips.

Possums, first I took off my top!

Then my breasts felt so heavy and the walls began to close in.

I then took my bra off!

I began to grunt.

“Are you okay in there?” asked Ava.

“Uh. Uh.”

The lights began to flicker. Why is it so frickin’ HOT in here?

Possums, call Maya Angelou.

I know why the cage bird sings.

I couldn’t help it.

I bent over and rested my hands on my knees. I was almost there, Possums. Just a few inches more to pull up over.

I then fell towards the back wall.

I contemplated taking off my hair….but I couldn’t.

It was sewed in.

I even contemplated taking off my false eyelashes!

Possums, do you want to know what a store owner’s worst nightmare? It is not an abundance of clearance that will never sell.  It’s two Black women in a change room!

Together!

“Let me in!” demanded Ava.

“Why… is…this girdle…. so tight?” I tried to ask, as she pushed her way into the change room.

“It’s suppose to be tight! It’s a girdle!” she answered.

“Just help me get it off please!” I begged.

“Okay,try to lean back and lift one leg up.” she instructed.

“Girl, do you think I am a dog! I can’t feel my legs! All the blood has stopped right at MY KNEES!” I whispered loudly.

Possums, have you ever been caught between a rock and a hard place?

What if the rock and the hard place was sweaty and the size of a small powder room?

Oh, wait I asked you that already.

Possums, that is how delirious I became!

“Ava, pass me the Vaseline from my handbag!”

“Why do you have Vaseline in your purse?” she asked.

I stopped to look at her.

She looked back at me.

She felt a mini-lecture about to happen.

“Ava, a Black woman should always have Vaseline in her purse in case she comes down with ashy skin, chapped lips, a tighter-than-usual-spot, a cubic zirconia ring to shine, dry cuticles, a cowlick or a burn. Cause nothing is more worse than having to walk around with burns after having so much fun.”

“A burn? What from?” she asked.

“Never you mind!”

“Everything, okay in there?” asked Girdle Woman, through the crack of the door.

“Yes. Yes.” I answered.

“Remember, you ripe you buy,” said Girdle Woman.

Possums, she was right. When I came out, I saw her Girdle Woman-made sign right over the cash register.

Possums, the girdle didn’t rip.

But let’s just say that the next person trying on this girdle will definately have an easier time at it!

Batter grease and all!

Miss Wintour does not endorse any diet on this website. For entertainment purposes only.

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