Lucresia Linton.com

Five Ways to Live Gregariously-The Good Divorce

Posted on 29th November 2010 in Five Ways To Live Gregariously

Forgive Yourself-Divorce doesn’t have to be a long trilogy. Why waste time faulting someone? Don’t punish yourself, even if you feel that the world and your ex is. Forget them. You may not be able to go back and change your choices, but you do have a choice of starting over again and as many times as you want. You may not realize it, but sometimes the best endings have come about because the main story had to be rewritten several times.

Bring It On-Your life doesn’t have to be a tragedy. Let the anger of it bring on a force so deep within, that people KNOW your shit stinks! Use that force to get you out of the dumps. Change the Jigga’s name in your cell phone to a cuss word. My favorite word is Mutha-fucka, but I have been known to change an ex’s name to Dickhead, Dickweed, Ass Wipe, and Tool. Trust me, it does wonders! When the Jigga’s name comes up, not only will it give you the giggles (which will come in handy cause when you answer the phone you will always sound happy), but it will remind you to never ever go back to him again because…well he is a Muthafucka!

Create-What do you want your life to look like? Possums, write it down. When you buy a plane ticket you know where you want to go. It is the same thing about life. God will assist you, as long as you have a definite plan of where you want to go. And what’s even better is that God will throw at you many amazing ideas than what you had planned for yourself.

Go and get fingered -Buy your coco something pretty, before it grows over! And grow over it shall, my Possums! Go to your nearest lingerie counter and finger the luxurious silk and lace bras and panties. Whatever your budget calls for (Victoria Secret or the Dollar store) buy some “Nick-Lacheys” and wear it under your clothes. You constantly need to be stimulated and reminded that you are still a sexual being. Just don’t be caught digging the material out from between your butt cheeks! That just ain’t pretty! And don’t forget to pick up yourself a new lover. It IS about you right now. You don’t have to go seek a relationship. It is all about releasing pent-up stress. And yeah…get fingered, too. It is fabulous!

Scare Your Children- I am not telling you to put on a long drawn-out show and sell your children front row tickets to it! Nor, do you have to become the Boogie-man, either! I learned from my mother a long time ago to never hide anything from your children. If you do not want your children to end up on the six o’clock news, then you better learn to share, but be strong. Let your children see and know the mental and financial struggle. I don’t think that it would scare them from getting married period, but they will take their time going into a union. They will see that one must work constantly at a relationship. Your circumstances will speak volumes to your children in a way that you may not be able to put in words. But, just don’t leave everything up to happenstance. Don’t make it a guessing game for them. Clarify your situation and clarify it good. You can be sure of it that God will see you all through.

comments: 0 » tags: divorce, forgive yourself, forgiveness, single

Happy Thanksgiving To You All

Posted on 25th November 2010 in Covet

comments: 0 » tags: happy thanksgiving

The Gentle Gentleman- George Clooney

Posted on 20th November 2010 in Culture, Gentle Gentleman

God, sometimes I wrestle with the finer questions in life.

Like, “why I am so plus-sized?”

But, when I pray You say, “why not?”

So, then I look at myself in the mirror, and I thank Christ that at least during sex, my lover has something soft to fall back on!

And then I think to myself-“why do I always get men who seem to embrace mediocrity and mendacity?”

But, when I pray You say, “why not?”

So, then I look over my diaries (yes, I keep notes) and then I say to myself- “you know God is right. You should bless all those (good and bad) that come into your life. For when it is over you may be left weaker, but as you turn things over in your head you will eventually be the stronger person for it.”

And then I think to myself-“why can’t I have a man like George Clooney?”

But, when I pray…

I get a dial tone.

Possums, why can’t I have a man George Clooney?

He is the type of person that you bring home, not because he opens the door every single time. Not because he tells you that you are skinny, when clearly your outfit bunches up in the back. No. You bring him home cause he looks good!!!

BUT, then I read this ditty from four years ago while frolicking the web:

Which mega-MEGA Hollywood actor boffed the obligatory friend of a friend, whilst still seeing his British girlfriend? All went well on their first date and she ended up in bed with the salt & peppered lothario. It was going so well she agreed to a bit of rear entry as it was (Salt and Pepper Lothario nomenclature deleted).

“What was I going to do? Say no?!”

Then the man rang her for second date, back to hotel, he flips her over again, although she’s a bit miffed. Anyway, she’s biting the pillow when she hears a strange gargling noise, looks over her shoulder and he is there, having a thoroughly good time, choking himself with a tie.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Not, George!

Not, my Georgie!

I can’t believe he is the type who is into anal sex! To think all he has to do is just take his manly arms and flip you over and plow. To think!

Oh, yeah…and the choking thing is kind of shocking too.

You know Possums, I must say that when I had visions of Georgie plowing me from behind, I thought that when I turned around to look at what he was doing, I too thought that he would be choking….

Choking back on his tears from sheer ecstasy!!!

Jigga what!!!

Do you know that something similar like this happened to Hugh Hefner? Mr. Playboy Bunny almost died choking on a sex toy, while in bed with a group of girlfriends. He said, “there was a moment when I was having sex with four Playmates and I almost swallowed a Ben-Wa ball.”

Hmmn, having sex with FOUR playmates AND with a Ben-Wa ball in his mouth?

But, of course!

And then Possums, I started to pray again.

I thought to myself-“ why aren’t my breasts as perky as Pammie Anderson, cause she don’t seem to wear any bras and I don’t see any pesky bra lines!”

But, when I pray You say, “why not?”

So, then I look in the mirror and think, well I shan’t complain cause at least I have some breasts. Many women pay for breasts like mine and mine are beautiful and bountiful…just pendulous!

And then I think to myself-“why is my ass not the ass I had in my yesteryears?”

But, when I pray You say, “why not?”

Possums, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Yes.

God, is a Man of very few words.

And then I had an epiphany.

They say that when God gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. I say that when God gives you lemons, just squeeze real hard, add a little pepper and spread it on some chicken breasts.

Makes the best Lemon Chicken dinner ever!

Possums, I have found the end (end being the operative word) of my troubles! I did some research and God’s right! Do you know that you could buy a new ass for little to nothing?

So, I went to a store to look about ordering me up a fake ass!

Think about it. It’s anal penetration with half the work!

And Possums, do you know that it has a button to make it vibrate?

And with heat?

Oh the joy!

It would be like a heated vibrating water bottle rolled up into a teeny tiny hole!

And if this doesn’t help me score an actor of pedigree, I can at least score myself a golfer! You know Possums, golfers are pros at getting large things into tiny holes.

And from a distance!

Possums, do you know that “regular” anal penetration requires patience, arousal, and a lot of lubricant?

But, not anymore!

When I turned over the box, it said that-“…with no stimulation, you can now have ass when ever you want it.”

Did you hear that Possums? I can now have give ass whenever I want to!!!

But, don’t think that there aren’t any similarities to the real one. There are! For example, I still may need to buy lube with it because the openings may or may not tear after lots of use.

Like my ass!

It is soft, taut and rubbery.

Like my ass!

And it is designed to delight the head and shaft of a penis.

Again, like my ass!

Possums, I have decided to take the plunge and in the end (again, end being the operative word) God may or may not be the only man that could get me on my knees!

p.s. I know this post is as much about me buying a fake ass as it is about George Clooney .

But, I couldn’t resist.

He is just so man-pretty!

comments: 1 » tags: Anal, anal sex, blow up dolls, chocking during sex, fake anal, fake bottoms, George Clooney, hugh hefner, masturbation, The Gentle Gentleman- George Clooney

My Dumb Cousin Had Smoke Come Out The Likeliest Place

Posted on 11th November 2010 in Relationships

You know something Possums, don’t you just hate it when you get a story from one friend, who got it from another friend, who happens to be the said friend’s cousin, who got it from her sister’s mother’s baby daddy, which all in all when you look at it, the story basically came straight from her father.

I think they call it “broken telephone”.

But, what you don’t know is a lot of Black people such as myself actually prefer “broken telephone” cause then the story is more juicier and funnier. So, what was really “broken”, ain’t broken. So why fix it?

Well, it all started when I heard this story about my backwards cousin. He is somewhat of a redneck, except he is Black, so really he is a blackneck (yeah, Jamaicans have them too, except Jamaica has mountains instead of hills, so they have their own special set of hillbillies). And while hillbillies smoke pipes, backward Jamaicans smoke bushes.

Just ask my mother.

But, of course!

Well, my backwards cousin JUST came up to the U.S. (specifically, Philadelphia) for the first time.

Fresh off the boat.

Just off the plane.

Just got his first stamp on his passport.

And according to my Aunt, it would probably be his second to last one, cause she wants to send him back already!

He is the quintessential FOB.

Did I mention that the Jigga somehow got on the wrong plane? The FOB called my Aunt and Uncle at 3AM only to say, “Well, I’m here.”

My tired Aunt was like, “Where is here? Cause muthafucka, where I am is HERE and where you is ain’t NOWHERE!”

“I’m at JFK.”

Possums, I don’t know what the airport code is for Philadelphia, but I assume it would start with a “P”. My Aunt wasn’t too happy with her new found step-son, who I might add is a very grown man. So, she wasn’t too impressed with him when he finally had to go to work the morning after the next.

Not here.

Not there.

But, in Philadelphia.

That morning, my Backward Cousin put on his coat and went outside the house to start his day. Suddenly, he ran back inside the house hooting and hollering.

“SHEREN, SHEREN, COME QUICK! THERE’S SMOKE COMING OUT MY MOUTH! THERE’S SMOKE COMING OUT MY MOUTH!” screamed my Backward Cousin.

“What did you say?” asked my Aunt as she ran from her kitchen.

“SHEREN! THERE’S SMOKE COMING OUT MY MOUTH! THERE’S SMOKE COMING OUT MY MOUTH! TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL” screamed my Backward Cousin.

My Aunt stood there and watched as my Backward Cousin had his arms wailing around.

Possums, you remember my Illustrious Aunt from Philly?

My Illustrious Aunt whom all of her brothers except two died in a space of two years. My Illustrious Aunt whom was diagnosed with cancer of the colon and beat that with such an inspiring spirit, because nothing was going to invade her asshole except my uncle’s penis! This is the same Illustrious Aunt whose house burnt down, while camera crews watched as her son gallantly dashed in to save their precious mementoes, leaving behind the Bob Marley poster. The same poster which was the only thing that didn’t “Catch a Fire”!

Yes, that Aunt!

So, Possums, you have to excuse the following expletives (courtesy of my Aunt) when I heard back the story. So, I will write the following in as elegant a prose as I remembered it.

As realization crept over her face, she looked at my cousin and gallantly opened her mouth and said:

“You ignate muthafucka! You are in my country now! If you hadn’t notice this a colder climate! Here, let me grab you a dunce cap so you could put it on to match your overcoat, dunce boy! It’s called CONDENSATION muthafucka! Who do you think you are a muthafuckin’ fire breathing dragon?”

My Backward Cousin looked at her stunned.

“Now, I want you to breathe in some air. And now breathe the frig back out. What’s happening?” asked my Illustrious Aunt.

“Nothin’. I’m breathing,” answered my Backward Cousin.

Now she grabbed him by his arm and PUSHED the man out onto the front porch.

“Now take a deep breath in and now breathe the frig back out. Now, what’s happening?” asked my Illustrious Aunt.

“MY BREATH IS ON FIRE! SEE THE SMOKE!” shouted my Backward Cousin.

“And you know why?” asked my Illustrious Aunt.

“Because I am in your country?” asked my Backward Cousin.

“No,” answered my Illustrious Aunt.

“Because I am in a cold climate?” asked my Backward Cousin.

“No,” answered my Illustrious Aunt quietly.

“Cause of the condense-something?” asked my Backward Cousin.

“No. Cause you Sir is a MUTHAFUCKA!”

comments: 0 »

You Won’t Believe Where I Accidentally Pierced Myself

Posted on 4th November 2010 in Relationships

“Can I bore my ears?” asked Ava.

We had just come back from an art showing and before that my cousin’s 30th birthday party.

“Bore?” I asked, looking back at Ava’s earlobes. “You have two holes in your ears already.”

“No, bore them. You know when you put the big circle in it and stretch it,” she stated.

“Bore!! I thought only Africans do that?” I asked.

“White people do it too!” she exclaimed.

Possums, I just had to walk away.

And then later that evening it happened.

You know Possums, when bad things happen to you it doesn’t mean that you brought it upon yourself. It doesn’t mean that God is angry at you. It doesn’t even mean that God saw when your hand pushed that ten dollar bill back into your purse and you “accidentally” let a dollar bill fall into the offering plate, during church service. It means that someone in your family placed VOODOO on you!! Voodoo cause you wouldn’t get them what they wanted.

Who pray tell would do such a thing?

Possibly, a little girl who wants to bore her ears to look like a Masai warrior or a swing!

A large swing!

First, let me give you a little background detail. Ava has a very bad habit of getting dressed in my room because I have mirrors at angles that are very flattering.

But, of course!

She also has a bad habit of leaving things on my bed as she tries on outfits like rings, earrings, socks, tights, etc.

I was so tired and it was late. I just hopped into my bed.

Well!

You know this is the one time I wouldn’t have mind landing on something stiff and sturdy, like a penis.

But, no!

I had to land on an earring!

All of the sudden a surge of pain went through my body! It began at the bottom and rose out of the top of my head, reached the high heavens and came back down again, and out through my mouth.

What kind of earring was it?

Never you mind!

Okay, it was the gold bamboo-like ones, with her name written in SCRIBE!

“Oh, my gosh Ava come quick!” I screamed.

“What’s a matter?” she came running into the bedroom.“Why are you going to bed naked? There is no one here with you?” she asked.

“Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Pull it out! Pull it out!” I screamed.

Possums, do you know that Jigga ran the other way!

I guess she needed space.

“I am not going to pull it out!” she yelled as she came back to the door.

“Oh, my gosh, it hurts so much! Bring me one of my ice packs and a mirror!”

Ava ran and came back with the ice pack.

“You haven’t taken it out yet?” she asked.

“I tried, but it hurts sooo much! Grab me a pad!” I asked.

“What for?”she asked.

“Don’t you think that I should go to the doctor for this? I may need a tetanus shot! Who knows how much hair grease, and how rusty that earring was!” I said.

“And where do you expect him to put the needle?” she asked trying not to laugh.

“True,” I grimaced. “It WOULD be the first time I would have to get a needle due to something I use for sex,” I reasoned as I held the ice pack between my legs.

I looked at her.

She looked at me.

I then took in my two large breasts and then my breath and gave it a good tug.

I cried out!

I was free!

Free at last! And thank Christ Almighty!

I don’t know what hurt the most- the tugging or the ice pack! But, I still made Ava call the doctor’s answering service.

“Yes, my mother accidentally pierced her-”started Ava. She looked over at me, giving me the signal if she should really go on with the phone call.

“Go on…,” I said, adjusting the ice pack.

“She pierced her vagina with an earring.”

“Tell her it was not on purpose. Tell her!” I shouted.

“No, Miss. She didn’t do it on purpose,”she answered waving me off.

“Tell her that YOU wanted to bore yourself on purpose though!” I said.

“She asked if you can walk to the door, then it may or may not be an emergency. If, not, then hang up and call an ambulance,” said Ava as she covered the receiver with her hand.

“You know what? Just hang up! Hang up the blasted phone,” I said exasperatedly.

Ava listened to the Stupid Secretary Girl and then hanged up.

“The lady said to take something strong for the pain and if you can make it, come to the office in the morning”.

Possums, I could just see it now- me hobbling into the office and those three Secretary Girls snickering behind their tall desk. And then my doctor thinking that this is just one of my many antics. He already thinks I am crazy.

He treats my mother, too!

You know Possums, as I laid on the bed with the ice pack between my legs, it made me put a lot of things into perspective.

Yes, my vagina was cold, but that’s not it.

Do you know that God should have made kids born when they are old enough to have guilt? Think about it! Not only did I get a pat on my back, but I got- a foot rub, pedicure, a toasted strudel, a piece of homemade lasagna, two bottles of water with a glass of ice with a slice of lemon, two rounds of Crazy-Eights, and my mail! And the best thing of all, Ava listened to all my favorite stories from my childhood!

Twice!

All from guilt!

And so Possums, my vagina is numb from the ice pack and I probably have an extra hole somewhere.

Now aren’t those two things that I could entice men with?

comments: 1 » tags: african, earrings, piercing

An Aside-Is It Gas Or Is It Babies?

Posted on 2nd November 2010 in An Aside

From The EMERGENCY Room
On Miss Ava’s IPOD
Toronto, ON

“Well, her tests have come back negative so what we should do next is a routine ultrasound to make sure that everything is okay,” sighed the Good Doctor as he put Ava’s chart down.

Ava was going to be okay!

“Here, let me take a listen,” said the Good Doctor as he took the stethoscope and listened to Ava’s chest.

Then he brought the stethoscope to her stomach.

“So, Doctor?” I asked. “How many heartbeats did you here in there?”

The Good Doctor turned and laughed nervously at Ava.

“I hope you heard none!” I continued. Thoughts of being featured on the “I Didn’t Know That I Was Pregnant” show, which I think should really be called, “I Knew I Was, But I Kept It To Myself Cause My Mother Was Going To Kill Me” ran through my head.

And there you have it.

No Appendicitis.

Thank Christ!

So, me, Ava and her new designer underwear went home.

comments: 0 »

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Five Ways to Live Gregariously-The Good Divorce

Happy Thanksgiving To You All

The Gentle Gentleman- George Clooney

My Dumb Cousin Had Smoke Come Out The Likeliest Place

You Won’t Believe Where I Accidentally Pierced Myself

An Aside-Is It Gas Or Is It Babies?