Lucresia Linton.com

We go to Brazil with it.

We shake, bake and fry it.

We split it, well it is already split, but we like to tickle it.

Thrill it, hurt-it-‘til-it-feel-so-good it.

Sometimes, we tattoo it.

Touch it.

Holler at it and tongue it.

The not-for-the-faint-heart have pierced it.

And spanked it because it was bad.

Some of us have even bedazzled it.

And then have tried to pull the stickers off of it!

For hours!

And then bald it with patches, that instead of even trying to look like a Brazil in the end, it looks more like the Galapagos Islands! And try having that to explain to someone cause not all hair Possums, is the same! Don’t listen to what people tell you-pubes don’t really grow that fast!

Not that it has happened to me.

It’s just a for instance!

We have colored it.

Straightened it.

Some of us have been bored enough to braid it.

We have tasted it.

And if you are on the Titanic with Leonardo DiCaprio have drawn pictures of it.

We have filmed it.

And like myself, coiffed it.

But, now we are steaming it too?

Yes, Possums, there is a new business in town and it is the business of steaming of the vagina! Apparently, this has been going on for many centuries in Korea.

No wonder my friend’s mother is always smiling!

But, what fool can I try this on?

Ava said no, which is a good thing cause I think they could call Children’s Services if she did.

So…

But, let me tell you it is HOT!

It is not like the vagina really comes with an instruction book.

I think it is instinctive.

I checked.

It ain’t in the Bible.

There is no rule book on how long you should stand over the kettle. But, I would definitely let it cool down quite a lot so that you don’t singe anything down there. At the same time, you still want to make sure that the steam is coming up.

But, don’t you think for one second that I went into all of this with blinders on. I did consult the Old Great Wise One.

No, not my mother.

The other Old Great Wise One-my Grand-mama.

This didn’t go over well because she is convinced that vaginas can catch colds! I never knew that vaginas could catch colds. When pressed, my grandmother said it was a relative’s sister who got the cold in her vagina. Wouldn’t that mean a cousin? When pressed again, the details of what a vagina looks like when it has a cold is kind of sketchy.

Thank Christ!

I wanted to keep my lunch down!

And when pressed again who really was this relative’s sister, I was threatened with actually having my Grand-mama come through the telephone and “press” me!

This Possums, I found should not be confused with the question of- “can one catch a cold from your sick girlfriend’s vagina?”

Which I personally answer this question with-“only if when licked”!

So, don’t be putting no cough drops up there, Son!

Called Chai-yok, vaginal steam baths are said to calm you down, regulate menstrual cycles, aid infertility, clear hemorrhoids and fight all sort of bodily infections. Wow, wasn’t that a mouthful!

Mine is.

It is said that in Korea, many women steam their cocos regularly after their monthly periods. The steam rises from a boiling pot of Mugwort tea blended with wormwood and a few other herbs. Then the woman sits nude above the pot on an open-seated stool and a way we go.

I know this seems to be an old folks’ remedy, but there are no studies that document if it is indeed effective. Already, gaining a toehold in the West many spas are offering vaginal steam baths. There is the Santa Monica spa, Tikkun Holistic Spa, which offers a 30-minute V-Steam treatment for $50. The Daengki Spa in Koreatown, charges only $20 for a 45-minute V-Herbal Therapy treatment. Their steam includes a mixture of 14 herbs imported from Korea by spa manager Jin Young. You can also purchase a complete setup for a do-it-yourself steam online that comes with an open-seated stool, boiler and herbs at http://www.rakuten.com for $330.

For a steamy coco you need:

1. A wooden open stool

2. A vagina

3. Pot of mugwort tea blended with wormwood

Now, I am going to get all medical on you. They say that Mugwort (Artemisia vulgaris) is used to balance female hormones. It contains natural antibiotics and antifungal agents. It is also said to stimulate the production of hormones to maintain uterine health, protect the uterus from ulcers and tumors, stimulate menstrual discharge and ease fatigue, headaches, abdominal discomfort and nausea.

Wormwood (Artemisia herba), is known as an antimicrobial or a “cooling herb,” and it is used to induce uterine contractions and treat bladder infections, fevers, open sores, constipation, diarrhea, hepatitis, jaundice, eczema and parasitic infections.

Why isn’t this in the Bible?

Anyways, the leaves and young shoots are antibacterial and antiviral, and they also relax the blood vessels and promote the discharge of bile, according to historical tradition.

I asked my mother if she ever heard of Mugwort or Wormwood.

She asked me if they could be smoked.

I told her I had to go now.

So how did I fare my dear Possums?

Well, picture my vagina all steamy.

Unfortunately, not after sex.

Possums, my pores are more opened.

And I did find my hair silkier.

But, that could just be because of having scalded my fingertips, so everything is slippery!

And please, Possums, please use a fresh vagina before doing such things.

Remember steam and its smells, do travel up and out!

No sense having you faint over your own funk before it is all over!

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