Lucresia Linton.com

Doctor Lucresia, here.

Yes, Possums, I am a doctor now.

Not, licensed, mind you, but only in my mind. But, I am licensed for sponge baths and therapeutic massages!

I must again holla at Mama Kris! Cause if I say something, I am just meddling in someone else’s business! But, if it comes from her mother, then SHE is just meddling in someone else’s business!

And we all know that we listen to our mother’s.

Riiiight!

As you know, I have Lupus, Sjögren’s Syndrome and Fibromyalgia and a severe case of- talkabouttoomuchofeverythingonmyblogthatmychildisso

embarressedbutstillreadsitjustthesame-itis.

I have a home remedy of my own for Miss Kim (or as Ava calls her-KimK, like she and her are phone buddies!) for her Psoriasis to try that her Docs may or may not have told her to do. Right now, I am a self-imposed special diet to try to manage my symptoms, cause anything that hinders me from having sex a life, I have to try something. Anything! So, here is my prescription on what Miss Kim should so.

Dear Kris:

Tell your child to:

1. Go on a 3 to 7 day fastor even 10 to 14 days, if she can. Fasting is safe. Not, a water one, though (if you do, no more than three days). The reason being is that Kim may have food allergies that she may not know of. No lie! On my diet, I took out all my daily foods and then slowly brought it back. And found some really interesting things out! Player, read on!

2. When was the last time she had a wash out? She should be having a wash-out every three months. Though, some people do it just twice a year. Just don’t tell my mom, that I am endorsing the one thing that she always harrassed me and my child to do! So, much so that when Ava goes over there for a weekend visit, she wrangles her into taking one, unbeknownst to me! Ava hates it, but not only does she lose some water weight, but she whistles when she farts! And whistles her ass does.

Whistles-her-ass-does!

And Possums, when my mom gloats, she gloats for a year. And then stores it for later to bring up during every family dinner and outing at Red Lobster!

A wash out (for all the non-islanders and their off-springs) is when you take mixed tea to make you go to the bathroom to clean you out!

Mama of Lucresia Linton’s Recipe To Poo Like You Never Pooed Before:

Ingredients:

::a pack of Senna Leaves

::A pack of Epsom Salt (USP FOOD GRADE)

::one Lemon

::a cup

::Water

::a pot

::a stove

::some electricity

::and a pot to piss in! Literally!

INSTRUCTIONS:

• Mix a half a pack of Senna leaves (buy it at a herbal store, West Indian Store, or even a health-food store) in a pot of water and bring it to a boil.
• Turn off the heat.
• Important, let the Senna leaves sit in the pot for a few hours. The longer you let it sit the more potent it will work; maybe an hour to a couple of hours.
• Before you drink it, you should add some epsom salt USP FOOD GRADE (the kind that you’re allowed to ingest, for some reason I can only find this at West Indian stores in their spice section, right beside the curry; two aisles over from the bucket of pigfeet!) and squeeze 1/2 of a lemon in the cup and you can even leave the grind in it. This will cut down on the gripping that will happen later.
• What’s “gripping”? Don’t do the above step and you will find out! It feels like your insides are twisting! Now, your doctor may say that you don’t need a wash-out, but that’s why so many people have skin problems and my daughter and I don’t have none….well, apart from what Lupus gave me!
• Frig! (yes, this needed it’s own bullet point!)

Now if you don’t mind the gripping, go ahead! It will prepare Kim for child birth.

It is the same thing!

Trust me!

I know that she just got married and may not want to have a Diarrhea in front of her man, but what smells don’t break you, will make you…stronger? Ask my mom and dad. They have been doing wash-outs for years and they are still together!Mind you, it may also have to do with the fact that my dad installed three extra bathrooms in their house!

3. Now the gripping may last for two full days, which is normal. But, be careful what you eat. It will come back up! And it will come back up and then out forcefully! I usually drink hot tea…without the milk to simmer my belly down in between shits!

4. Now you can ignore steps 2 and 3, but she should do the fasting part. The fast allows the body to rest and when you allow certain foods to come back slowly into your system, then you can see if there are any food allergies, hence what triggers the Psoriasis. Now, when I did this, I found out that I am allergic to eating whole tomatoes. Ketchup, is find, but not tomatoes in salads, and the like. I was itching like I caught crabs or something! If I wasn’t on my restrictive diet, I wouldn’t noticed it cause I would have eaten the salad with a whole slew of things and just written it off as happen-stance! But, because the salad and eventually the wrap that I ate later just to make sure, let me know that it was the tomatoes causing the said rash!

Also, I found out that I am also allergic to oranges and lemons. I hadn’t eaten anything (from my food diet) for a few hours and then all of the sudden I yammed oranges and drank some lemonade then I broke out, again, like I had crabs or something! But, this time all over my breasts!

All, two of them!

Well Possums, I may be light-skinned, but no Black woman, mainly me, should ever wear fire-engine red unless she was going to her mama’s funeral.

Tee hee!

So, now all citrus things are out! Except, I haven’t tried orange juice. Lord, please not orange juice! It is the only thing that I love squeezed.

Well, except maybe my nipples!

But, of course!

I know what you are thinking-”Why can’t Kim just go to an allergist and take a test?”

First of all is “allergist” a real word? Secondly, I don’t know. But, what I do know is that after he poked my baby a dozen of times and I was in Ava’s bad books for even longer, Doctor-man, did not even find any allergies to cure my baby’s eczema! I had to do it! And Possums, I went everywhere! I even went to a witch’s house for some brew, which I couldn’t get Ava to take! But, I did get some good lottery numbers based on my astrological sign! But, it wasn’t until I stood for a half an hour talking to a blonde dreaded white man in a Bob Marley t-shirt (like that made it all right to wear messy dreads!) in an over-stocked health food store that told me to use a skin balm and check for food allergies. I took the balm, which worked (sorry can’t remember it, but it was in a peach box with I think herbs and leaves pics on it and came in two sizes), and I watched over what she ate, but the food-watching didn’t last long. Try watching a child’s food in a curry-goat-eating-pig-foot-yamming-household!

I guess!

Also, make Kimmy soak in some Oatmeal bath everyday in her tub, like Aveeno. Possums, you should be soaking your babies and yourself in this stuff, if they have dry skin and rashes and the like! It may be  oily, but that’s why it is good. And tell her to stop using lotions on her skin. Mo, more Creme de la Mer for her! She should use what generations of my family have used for years- Vaseline! Ask any Black person and you will know that they use it! Do you know how many white people I got hooked on it! And she should take her Vaseline, stick her finger in the middle, to make a hole, and pour in real virgin olive oil in it and mix it up! I get our’s at the West Indian store. It comes in a nice bottle! It will keep her skin supple and her man will love it!

My men do!

Now, Mama Jenner, please make Kim look up some good fasting books and buy them. She can do a juice fast and if she needs energy she could drink chicken broth. But, there are some good reads even on the internet. A good start is to write down all the foods she eats on a daily basis and so when she introduces them back, she can see what is causing the culprit.

Do all this, Kimmy and your Psoriasis will be gone! Ava’s is and so did mine!

(Yes I put that in double BOLD. It’s amplified!)

Remember, Possums, doctors don’t tell you all this, cause then we don’t have to lean on them no more!

Why do you think mother’s are for?

To dole out unwanted, but much needed advice.

You hear that Ava!

I know.

I know.

I hear that too, Mom!

And don’t be acting like you don’t read my blog, Mom!

Cause I heard that you do!

And I love you too, Mom.

But, I digress!

From one mother to another, I just hollered at you Ms. Jenner!

Credit: Jeffrey Ufberg/WireImage.com; kimkardashian.celebuzz.com

 BACKGROUND STORY

via Us Weekly

Kim Kardashian isn’t shy when it comes to sharing news about her body. First she got a butt x-ray to prove to the world that her famous derriere is au naturel, and now she’s dishing even more about her pesky skin condition, psoriasis.

The E! star posted graphic before-and-after pics of her splotchy stems to her official website Tuesday.

“I’m using Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs spray and it is my lifesaver at the moment!” the 30-year-old wrote. “I love this stuff! It really covers up my psoriasis so well!”

The aerosol makeup formula glides over legs to disguise flaws and creates an instant healthy glow that washes off in the shower. The best part: you can score it for around $12, and it’s available in a variety of hues to suit every skin tone.

The newlywed revealed that she was diagnosed with psoriasis, a skin disorder that occurs in the form of red, flaky patches on the body, during a July episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

“People don’t understand the pressure on me to look perfect,” she said on the show. “When I gain a pound, it’s in the headlines. Imagine what the tabloids would do to me if they saw all these spots?”

Kardashian inherited the skin issue from her mother Kris, who has suffered with it since the age of 30.