Lucresia Linton.com

I remember when I saw breasts tape like these (above), for the first time.

Possums, I was so excited when I rushed home with my little box that I bought from the drug store. Showing it excitedly to my mom, she gave it the once over.

Then she looked at my breasts.

Looked back at the box.

Then looked at my breasts.

Looked back at the box.

And then I shot her a look.

And then she gave me back the box.

And then I waited for my event to come up.

Possums, don’t you hate it when you think that you are really prepared…

Dress? Check.

New clutch purse? Check.

Earrings? Check.

Shoes? Check.

Practice walking in said shoes? Check.

Put flip-flops in bag from day one for afterwards? Check.

Fake Gucci bag? Check.

Stockings? Check.

Lipstick? Check.

Breast tape? Check.

The entire month you feel so good and laugh at everyone else who is scrambling. The whole 30 days you laugh and feel so secure! Sometimes, you even fall asleep with the box in your hand! And then the day comes and you suffer an undergarment malfunction!

I put the the tapes on and my breasts moved right back down, so much so that I had to go digging for the tape under my armpits! And then you look at the box and then you notice that the lady’s breast on the cover are perky and quite tiny AND no Before, nor After pictures are on the back!

How come I didn’t realize this before!!!?!

Then you have to endure the “I told you so looks” and the occasional “hmm…hmm” from your mother as she finally tells you to go back, no WAY back, to the back of her underwear drawer to pull out good ol’ reliable Brenda.

Possums, ol’ Brenda was the ol’ kind of corsets from the olden days. The ol’ kind that you use the word-ol’ to describe it. So, ol’ in fact that when my mother strapped me in it she had take her foot and placed it in the crack of my back while grabbing on the strings like she was riding a horse and pulled.

And it smelled like mildew.

Duct tape, though?

Never tried.

But, let’s just say that I know a friend of a friend’s sister who may or may not be related to me, but really wasn’t me although I am talking in such great detail as if it was me who tried this, but clearly it wasn’t and let’s just say that you when you are through using it to hold all two of your breasts, you then have to soak under a shower for at least thirty minutes.

And then you realize that one of the reasons why the duct tape is so lauded is because it is resistant to water for it is used as sealing tape!

Or so I heard.

And then when you try to start slowly peeling away and only get an inch up off the skin, it hurts so much and then you stop.

Or so I was told.

And then you try to moisten a cotton ball with rubbing alcohol by pouring a small amount of the alcohol directly onto the cotton ball, then you wring out the excess alcohol and then you use the wet cotton to wipe the adhesive off your skin in a circular motion.

And then realize that the cotton ball has fallen out of your hands and that you are just rubbing your skin in a circular motion cause it feels nice.

Or so I remembered I was told.

And then only to realize that you have only one of two things at home that you can use which are-olive oil and baby oil, but you don’t have the latter, which is that the first item I mentioned, or is it the second? Cause the word “latter” always confuses me, but there is no olive oil, cause I heard the party in question ladens everything in butter a la Miss Paula Deen, but there IS baby oil, cause she nasty!

Or so overheard!

And then only to realize that it takes a whole lot of rubbing and oil, so it may be best to get someone, preferably the opposite sex to help you.

Or so they added!

And if after all this, you STILL need to hold up your titays and you don’t want to buy a corset/strapless bra contraption, then go ahead.

Remember, just like condoms, it is easier to put in things on, but quite messy to take it off!

You have been warned.

But, please whatever you do, don’t use scotch tape!

Here is a tutorial from our new Youtube friend:

Love her.

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