You know, so that I could feel petite.

And then I had this thought-”Man, that would sure have to be a really big man!”

Balls are weak and vunerable.

If you wanna toughen up grow a vagina-those things can take a POUNDING!

“I guess! ” I answered as I raised my eyebrows.

Possums, we think that we need to supervise what Miss Ava is looking at on the internet better!

“Do you think that this is true?” asked Ava trying to read my face. “I bet you are thinking back on each of your past boyfriends’ lips and penises aren’t you?”

“No, dear,” I sighed.

“It would take too long!”

How unimaginative was I?

photo: United Colors of Benetton

]]> http://www.lucresialinton.com/2011/02/13/this-is-how-you-do-naked-with-a-crayola-and-a-lot-of-imagination/feed/ 0 http://www.lucresialinton.com/2010/11/02/an-aside-is-it-gas-or-is-it-babies/ http://www.lucresialinton.com/2010/11/02/an-aside-is-it-gas-or-is-it-babies/#comments Tue, 02 Nov 2010 04:39:38 +0000 lucresia http://lucresialinton.com/?p=7761
From The EMERGENCY Room
On Miss Ava’s IPOD
Toronto, ON

“Well, her tests have come back negative so what we should do next is a routine ultrasound to make sure that everything is okay,” sighed the Good Doctor as he put Ava’s chart down. 

Ava was going to be okay!

“Here, let me take a listen,” said the Good Doctor as he took the stethoscope and listened to Ava’s chest.

Then he brought the  stethoscope to her stomach.

“So, Doctor?” I asked. “How many heartbeats did you here in there?”

The Good Doctor turned and laughed nervously at Ava.

“I hope you heard none!” I continued. Thoughts of being featured on the “I Didn’t Know That I Was Pregnant” show, which I think should really be called, “I Knew I Was, But I Kept It To Myself Cause My Mother Was Going To Kill Me” ran through my head.

And there you have it.

No Appendicitis.

Thank Christ!

So, me, Ava and her new designer underwear went home.

From The EMERGENCY Room
On Miss Ava’s IPOD
Toronto, ON

Possums, sometimes in life your mother bestows her wise ass old wisdom on you that often times, let’s face it, falls on deaf ears.  So, I would like to dedicate this post to my mother who has taught me many important things in life, especially one very important thing that I KNOW I taught Ava, but being who she is, a daughter, she does what she does best-ignore my sound advice.

I guess the apple does not fall far from the tree of Lucresia.

And so it seems.

Possums, we were taught that you should always clean your house before you go anywhere. I use to hate it when my mother used to get us three to vacuum, dust, and scrub our house down before we left to go anywhere! My mother would tell us-“Suppose you go to the store and get into a car accident and when people have to go to your house to grab your burial clothes, at least they can look around and say- ‘So sad she is gone. She kept such a clean home. She must have had a good mother!’

Maybe my mother did know best. Or maybe she knew that one day I was going to rush out leaving a messy house and end up in the EMERG with a child with possible Appendicitis!

And we all know that before you leave your house you should groom all God-given bushes! Even the Lady Eve knew this. She lived in one of the most beautifully-cultured garden known to man. Eve must have been inspired to keep a manicured bush…or she knew that deep down inside one of her fore-daughters would end up in the EMERG with a child with possible Appendicitis! (SIDE NOTE: My bush resembles the one from the 60′s. Remember Possums, the bigger the bush, the bigger the panty!! Or in my case, I don’t wear panties, so I clean chairs as I go. HA!)

But, none of those are important. What I really want to stress here is the number one important thing you must do every day in case you wind up in EMERG with a child with… well, you catch my drift.

Possums, you know that every person in life has three types of drawers-there are your “utilitarian” drawers, your “home” drawers, and your “sex” drawers.

Your “utilitarian” drawers are the drawers that you either wear them everyday or sometimes they are the ones that come out during those special seven days. Some may ride low. Some may even ride high. Some may take after your grand-pappy. And some may take after your grandmama. Not very fashionable, these panties do what they are suppose to do-keep things from falling out! Or in Ava’s case-keep a thing from coming in! But, don’t worry Possums, I will keep an eye on THIS one. For the apple may or may not fall far from the tree of Lucresia!

Your “sex” drawers are the ones that are itchy, go up your bottom, but look good! They are the same ones that you hope to run out of cause that means you are having loads of sex!

Then there are your “home” drawers that are sooo stretched out that you can turn them into a skipping rope! These are the same drawers that have so many holes in them that there is just a sliver of material to cover your coco! Not to mention the same drawers that you hold on to because they fit you so well…like when you were fourteen!

Yes, Possums.

Those ones.

So, Possums, I ask you- “Guess which drawers Miss Ava chose to wear?”

Thank Christ, I had a small sewing kit in my bag!

Yes, it was such a sight to see-me bending over Ava, holding a sharp needle, while she was stretched out on the hospital gurney. Me trying to sew quickly, so the doctor would not run in on us, cause Possums, it would not have been a pretty picture had the good doctor walked in from his angle!

A mother’s job is never done.

I felt I was performing surgery!

In the end, I had a thought come to me while they were drawing Ava’s blood-you know I had a kit in my purse, not because my mother told me.

No Possums, I came up with this one on my own.

Ava and I were walking through this quaint part of New York called Greenwich Village. She was in a forlorn mood because I said no to her when she wanted a journal from the Marc Jacob store. (Side Note- Possums, all the jigga did was take a book and put his name on it along with a hefty price tag. I saw a similar book like it before. It was at the dollar store!).

It was a dark and sparkly night, when Ava turned and asked me, “How much does it cost to go to the moon?”

“A lot,” I answered as I munched on one of my cupcakes from the Magnolia Bakery.

I waited in line for thirty minutes.

I bought six.

“Well, how much?” she asked.

“I think, like a million dollars or more. Why, you want to go to the moon for?” I asked as I headed towards the closest parking bench. We sat across a couple who started to caress each other’s hair.

“Because, I want to travel there,” she answered, as she looked up at the sky.

“Well, you can become an astronaut and go up there for free, but then you have to be careful of the rocket not blowing up when it goes into the next atmosphere and-”

“Planes, go up the same way and come down and they don’t blow up!” she said cutting me off.

Parking Bench Man started to kiss Parking Bench Woman.

“Yeah, but Ava, they don’t have to go that far up and then into a different atmosphere. So, you are definitely going to have to take classes. And then when you come back, you have to ease into the atmosphere slowly, or else you can blow up again. Remember those people who blew up when they were coming back down and then all their body parts where all over the place and in the ocean. And then if that happened there wouldn’t be an open casket and then we would probably just bury your leg and an arm, and then-”

“I just wanted to get into space! Why are you trying to burst my bubble!”

It got real quiet as I searched my head for the right words. I couldn’t help, but notice that Parking Bench Man’s hands were on Parking Bench Woman’s left breast and he was massaging it quickly.

“You know, Chica Bica, you can just look up in the sky and see the stars. A rocket trip doesn’t have to hold you back,” I said.

“True. You are right,” she answered.

Okay, now we are back on! And so was Parking Bench Woman who now somehow seemed to be dry humping Parking Bench Man’s knee!

I lost my train of thought.

Then I remembered, “Don’t forget you have to be good in Math and Sciences and you have to probably maintain a real high grade point average.”

“Forget that!”

It got quiet again.

Space came between us indeed!

And she didn’t even had to go anywhere.

Thank-you.

But, I am kinda of pissed off after I watching this cause I thought they were going to give me a proper preview of what is too come. And they didn’t!

And to think I worked myself up for nothing, just to be let down.

Felt like after having sex!

“Why are you walking like that?” I asked Ava.

We had just come back from one of my favorite place in the world-Wal-Mart. I was on a mission. A mission to buy a douche! I had just explained to Ava all the benefits and reasons for douching. Ava was intrigued. The last thing I remember was answering her question-“Do I douche before I bathe or after?” I told her that it doesn’t matter. I guess before.

You see Possums, I was going to a wedding on Saturday and every time I will cross my legs, I want to smell like cherry cheesecake….well, without the cheese part!

“So, why are you walking like that?” I asked her.

“I don’t think that I can do it anymore?” she responded.

“Do what?” I asked.

“Douching! I think I am gonna become a nun, so that no man can touch me, cause it is gonna hurt!”

“You were probably tense.”

“Were you tense the first time you douched?”

“Nope,” I told her. I looked into her eyes and sensed that I better deliver a better “story” for her to relate to. “But, I did get a tampon stuck in me once. And that was my first time. Man was that painful!”

“You did? Why?” she asked.

“Obviously, because I am so petite!”

“Yeah right!”

“Anyhoo, what had happened was I needed one while I was at the mall. So, there I was in the stall trying to put it in. Well, the damn thing hurt! So, then I tried to pull it out, since it wasn’t even all the way up. Well, do you know the thing wouldn’t even come down. And then I heard a voice.”

“A voice? What did it say?” asked Ava.

“It told me to relax my muscles down there and then all will be well. I think it was Yoda.”

“So did it come out?” she asked.

“No, Ava. I’m still walking with it in right now! Of course, it came out! Mind you a good twenty minutes later! When I came out the stall there was a line up. I think they thought I was doing a number two cause I was grunting softly and everything,” I explained.

“Well, I know that I stuck it up the right hole, cause it is the only one there. Is it suppose to go all the way up?” she asked.

“No, fool! You are not trying to wash out your insides!  Just halfway through! Anyways it shouldn’t hurt. I didn’t hurt me!” I told her showing off.

“Because you already had your cherry popped…and you have a wide vagina!”

“What?” I asked her.

“And you’ve had a lot of sex…so you have a wide vagina!”

“Excuse you?”

“Maybe I should become a lesbian cause they don’t have pee-pees and they ain’t got nothing to stick me with!”

“Well, then be prepared to Man-ja-some-cake, darling. Man-ja-some-cake!” I told her.

“But, then I won’t be able to have children.”

“Of course you can. You can just buy one.”

Ava was quiet for awhile. After ten minutes, I decided to get up and walk away.

“After your first time, were you able to walk?” she called out.

“Yeah. Unfortunately!”