According to Wikipedia:

“Despite the lackluster reception!”

Agreed!

“Bandidas gained a cult following due to the film’s lead actresses.”

I guess!

Possums, you know how everyone is always complaining about movie studios; on how they don’t know what they are doing. Well, I never ever used to join in that conversation, until I watched this movie!  Well! Never before so much boobs, brawn (those girls can pack a punch!) and sweat, but alas no real good action, the way you would expect.

What the hell was the studio thinking???

I personally don’t know what is in those girls’ contract rider, but  you would think that this is the one time that you get these two actresses, especially these two, nude and extra touchy-feely!!! Now that Angelina is saving the world, one baby at a time, there is no one who is willing to flash boobs for the sake of movie anymore!  Don’t get me wrong. I would save the world too, but I have Lupus.

Ahem.

Okay I didn’t mean to play the “L” card, but I didn’t fall too far from the tree known as Sharon, if I didn’t! And my mother, Sharon, didn’t raise no fool. But, clearly the studio executives’ mommas did cause they didn’t get Penelope and Salma to perform to the standards and customs of this great highly sexed-up nation of ours!

Oh well, this post is titled-Sex Fantasy Roleplay, so let’s try fantasize away.

In 1848, a New York bank wants to put a railroad across Mexico, so it buys up small banks around Santa Rita, Durango, and evicts farmers on the proposed rail line who owe money. The bank’s henchman is the murderous Jackson. He runs afoul of two women, María Álvarez (Penélope Cruz), the tough but uneducated daughter of a farmer, and Sara Sandoval (Salma Hayek), the European-educated daughter of the owner of one of these banks. To feed the now landless people and to seek revenge, María and Sara become bank robbers, veritable Robin Hoods. But Jackson and his hired guns are after them. What are the women’s options?

This movie reminds me of a long version of a Telenovela.

I always had this fantasy from when I sat down and watched a latin Telenovela on television. Ah, what a glorious day when the televisions stations start playing Telenovelas at 10PM, which is really soft porn with very limited dialogue and over-exaggerated arm movements!  Possums, you always get a man storm in and say, “Tenemos una emergencia!”

But, what he probably meant was- “Sergeant, there is only one women left in this village and your it!”

Then the man would be all brash and huffy, as he paced around and around the office. Then the Sergeant, who is a woman-

Did I already establish that?

Anyway, she would bend over with her bosoms just so, peaking out of her tight army outfit, with her hair in a tight bun and then she would run around the desk and then all of the sudden she would get all bothered, and then…

HOT DAMN!

The man clears off the desk, she releases her hair out of the bun, and then all the sudden the background music gets louder and then they are naked! Everything happens so fast that you don’t even remember when they took their clothes off!

But, I still only have one pet-peeve with these Telenovelas. Why when you watch one of those steamy sex scenes in the Telenovela that it takes at least 10 to 15 mins of long-ass dialogue of, “Te engañe! Ven ahora y quitarme la ropa pesada y me gusto!” just to see another sex scene????

Every single time!

And then they just keep on talking and talking and talking. And by the time I am finished waiting I change the channel and forget and then when I remember I come back and then the credits are rolling!

I know that the following movie is not a nouvella, but just watch this and watch the frustration creep in!

I remember my first threesome.

It was me, Terrence Howard and some random chick. I remember that I was on his left and I kept on telling him, “to the left, to the left.” And when he finally looked to his left, he said, “Forget it! This is too sick even for me!” And he got up!

Man, I so hated that dream!

Since, then, I had Robert Sheehan, George Clooney, Tyson Beckford and Robert Sheehan.

Yes, I had Robert Sheehan twice.

I think it’s because I watched a Misfits television marathon two nights in a row!

Bandidas

Amazing Corsets-The women from this time, knew how to accentuate the assests! Corsets are great to make the breasts stand out! All two of them! Trust me, walk in the mall today and you see so many women with three breasts or breasts that are climbing on top of each other with no room to breathe! That’s because they are not wearing better bras that lift, separate, divide and provide lines! Tijuana shouldn’t be the only place with proper borders! Still, I expected a lot of nudity, however what this movie didn’t lack was the amazing outfit ideas that one could wear in the bedroom. Not many a woman is dressing up in the bedroom the way they used too. I told my daughter that when she gets married I will periodically check her dresser drawers and armoires and make sure that she has many a choice pieces to entertain her man! She agreed as long as I didn’t go into her goody drawer!

I was like, “what goody drawer?”

She was like, “you know to keep all my goodies in!”

I thought for a moment. And then I was like, “Ava what’s a dildo?”

“What’s that?” she asks.

“Girl, you ain’t going to keep nothing in that goody drawer, except sugar-free gum and hand lotion! And we both know it is only for your hands because you always complain how dry the air is!”

“And books. Don’t forget books. I hate mess!” she added.

Wow!

But, don’t worry Possums, when my daughter gets dressed up, it will be for her husband!

Why be a statistic?

Like, her mother.

Blindfolds (for the girls)- Why not go all out! This is your chance to be Miss Dita Von Teese in the bedroom, so why not?

Bath towel (for him)- Also, he should have is hair spanking clean and coiffed! Just because you are about to have a threesome, doesn’t mean that you have to give way to bad manners! I prefer to see my men in nice decorative towels. Mine are always zebra print. I got this fantastic pair, along with the matching hand towels, and shower curtains, the other day.

Ava was like-“Do you really have to change your bathroom décor every season?”

And I was like-“Why yes. Yes I do!”

And she was like-“You just want an excuse to shop!”

And I was like-“Why yes. Yes, I do!”

We meaning, me, loves it, loves it and loves it.

And a story of love this movie is!

And after the movie, as I try to stop myself from calling any random dude in my black book, I always end up sitting in my room, letting the “loved up” feeling come up all over me, as I pledge, no vow, that-

“I, Lucresia Linton, will never ever ever fall in love with any Tom’s dick, or someone called Harry….

At least until the phone rings for a much needed booty-call!”

Brokeback Mountain is a romantic drama film starring the late Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams and tells the complicated romantic and sexual relationship between two men in the American West from 1963 to 1983.

Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) and Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) are hired to herd sheep through the summer in Wyoming. After a night of heavy drinking, Jack tries to interest Ennis in mutual masturbation; Ennis reacts in a confused way, initially rejecting Jack’s advances, then turning him around and having anal sex with him.

“Me too!”

“My heart’s beating so fast.”

“Mine too!”

And so begins the love fest that we know as “The Blue Lagoon”.

Possums, whenever I watch this movie I realize something-I am starved for romance!!!

Why?

Cause, this is what would have gone down in Lucresiaville:

“I feel so funny in my stomach.”

“Maybe, it’s gas?”

“My heart’s beating so fast.”

“Did you take your blood pressure pill?”

Oh, well.

So is life.

Lauded as a story of natural love, “The Blue Lagoon” tells the beautiful story of two young children, cousins Richard and Emmeline Lestrange, and their galley cook, Paddy Button who are marooned on a lush tropical island in the South Pacific. Paddy cares for the small children and forbids them by “law” from going to the other side of the island, as he found evidence of bloody human sacrifices. Instead, he tells them the bogeyman lives there. He also warns them against eating a certain scarlet berry that Emmeline finds. Eventually, Paddy dies after a drunken binge.

Now alone, the children go to another part of the island and rebuild their home. They survive solely on their resourcefulness, and the bounty of their remote paradise. With neither the guidance nor the restrictions of society, Harry Potter books, the Twilight series, Jersey Shore, BET’s 106 and Park and the music of Lady Gaga, emotional feelings and physical changes arise as they reach puberty and fall in love.

Not only is “Blue Lagoon” the first alcoholic drink I ever had, but it is one of my favorite movies. And you never forget your first!

Possums, I am so in love with this fantasy! It goes right up there with being locked away with a bank robber a la George Clooney in the movie “Out of Sight”, followed closely by being holed up in a cabin in the backwoods with a general playing Cowboys and Indians a la Kevin Costner in “Dances with Wolves”, followed by basking in love dew in a old French chateau a la Russell Crowe in “A Good Year” and followed by the fantasy of rolling around sweaty and buck naked in a small room somewhere in the middle of the hustle and bustle of downtown Saigon a la Tony Leung Ka Fai in the movie “The Lover”.

But, I digress.

Although, most of us have never been stranded on an island, believe or not there are a lot of similarities between Richard and Emmeline (portrayed by Christopher Atkins and Brooke Shields) and the rest of us:

1.  As they begin to fall in love, it is emotionally stressful for them because of their lack of education about human sexuality, so they are unable to express their physical attraction for one another. You see, just like us.

2.  Emmeline is frightened after she begins her first menstrual period. Just like everybody else.

3.  Richard himself has many questions about what is happening to them. He wishes to hold and kiss her, but when she rejects him he goes off and masturbates! Possums, again, just like everyone else!

After Emmeline is nearly killed upon stepping on a stonefish, Richard admits his fear of losing her. Emmeline eventually recovers. And with a dash of movie magic, they go skinny dipping in the lagoon and then swim to shore, naked.

But of course!

They then share some fruit and discover crazy mad love and then sexual intercourse. Casting all their cares aside, they make love on the regular.

I have just one important question to ask-“Why can’t all men walk around all day long with a loin cloth on?”

Oh, yeah. I guess we can blame that Eve for listening to the snake!

And another question-“If this is a movie about ‘natural love’, HOW did Jigga-man know how to use his manhood AND how did Jigga-man know where to stick said manhood AND once he stuck his manhood in said vagina, HOW did he know what do to with it?”

Ain’t no manual around!

And what does this tell us?

It tells us that not only are we capable of screwing like animals, but we are also instinctual too! You see Possums, nothing gets passed me! Nosiree!

Due to their regular sexual encounters, Emmeline soon falls pregnant. Although this is clear to the us, Richard and Emmeline themselves do not know the truth about childbirth and simply assume Emmeline is getting fat from perhaps from eating too many melons!

Possums, doesn’t this almost sound like the television show-“I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”, which should be re-titled-“I DID Know I Was Pregnant, But It Was A Matter Of Life And Death Keeping The News From My Parents/Husband/Family/Boss/Ex”!

After she screamed and squeezed the baby out, Miss Emmeline fed, cleaned, and even taught her baby how to swim.

Take note here all you younglings on Teen Moms!!!

Mothering is instinctual! You have no business making babies if you ain’t gonna take care of it!

Possums, do you know that’s the same thing my mother said to me when I had Ava!

Tee Hee.

1.  Loin Cloths-The shorter the better! And when you take it off you can use it as blindfolds!

2.  Long hair-Any long piece of weave will do. May I suggest something from the Beverly Johnson or Raquel Welch Hair Collection?

3.  Titay Glue- Did you know that Brooke Shields’ hair was glued on to her boobies? That’s why you didn’t really see anything! And did you know that they even used body doubles for all her naked scenes anyways? How Julia Roberts of her! I personally wouldn’t go as far as gluing hair to the titays. Not only is it distracting, but can you imagine all the work he has to do to get to your breasts for some nipple action? I don’t think so.

4.  Pieces of Fruit-An amazing touch, which will give you that extra tropical feel. It also allows you both to not only feed each other, but drip the juices all over your bodies. Hey, you can also crush some of the leftover fruits and make it into a facial scrub. It is a recession after all!

5.  A Lush Tropical Island-Hey, some people can!

This movie represents what it means by making pure love! When a man treats a woman like the queen she is. When he takes her all in (literally) and wants her over and over again, exploring every inch, crevice, and (depending on the guy) crack, of her body.

Possums, don’t you just want to get stranded on this island?

Do you know the one thing that made Little Richard, I mean Mr. Richard, stand out?

Foreplay!

I know what you men are thinking-“Of course he had time for foreplay, what else was there left for him to do? There were no video games, no Sunday or Monday Night Football, no Friday Night Soccer, no Saturday Night Hockey and no internet porn “!

Just fresh live  tropical vagina!

Whatever!

You just make sure to take everything nice and slow! Remember, it is suppose to be your first time!

Possums, don’t you wish your first time was really like this though?

Mine was.

Okay… it wasn’t.

But, it was all in my mind!

Jigga-man’s couch was the sand…it was lumpy enough!

His bright fluorescent track lighting was the moon and the stars.

The wind from the ceiling fan was like the wind from the sea.

And the smell of sex….well, I guess I can pretend it was the island’s salty air!

Possums, do you know how loud sex came to be?

It was during pioneer days, when if a man wanted to listen to music while he worked out in the fields, he had to whistle. And when he continue to plow at home, he had to whistle then to. Come to think of it, Farmer Ted was more than likely to holla!!! Back then, your neighbors were still far and wide and communicated with saddle horses and Morse Code.

And then Elvis came out the following year.

Just checking to see if you are paying attention!

Anyways, men wanted music and they wanted music all the time. So, when the children went to bed, his wife made him sing for his supper and he made her sing for his desserts.

Loudly!

I swear.

I saw it on an episode of The Waltons once.

The Limited Edition DVD, uncut version.

Possums, this is a noise that I do when I go to the bathroom.

When constipated.

You can draw the picture.

But, if you’re into that and you DO draw that picture, well…well done you! And make sure to send me a quick email. I have the number of really good child psychologists to send right back to you.

Why child psychologists?

Just ask Miss Ava!

Fay is about to hit the big three-O and is worried that she’s left it too late to have a baby. To any sane woman it would be okay, she would at least give herself another ten years, but not Miss Fay.  And to make matters worse, all her friends and even her younger sister are pregnant and then some! What may be good for the gander, is not so good for the goose, cause Goosey Lucy don’t want to be left behind! So, it’s not that she doesn’t meet any men; she just doesn’t meet the right ones!

Miss Fay has a plan, and the plan my Possums, is to procreate!

Miss Fay needs to steal herself some sperm!

I knew a girl who did exactly what Fay did.

Man, it’s been awhile since I ran into my brother’s ex-wife!

What is Miss Fay looking for?

Miss Fay wants to find a man with great genes.

Me too!

She wants to find a man who is charming and rich.

Me too!

She wants to find a man who has the right hair color and is hygienic.

Again, me too!

But Possums, he not only has to be hygienic, he has to be able to spell the word too!

She wants to find a man who has great sense of style and is well-hung!

Me too please!!!!

Possums, I want a man that is so hung, it must be a slippery slope! Or at least let me aim at turning it into one!

Although her list is long, Fay eventually manages to find such a specimen and finds a way to bump into him to attract his attention. His name is John and he’s a doctor and perfect father material.

Let’s watch:

Isn’t it the best feeling in the world to just fall back in bed from near exhaustion from some good plain old-fashion sex? Yessiree….as long as no one’s husband is coming home early!

Possums, I love movie sex. The awkwardness of changing positions is gone. The make-up and lighting is perfection. Sweat is sprayed in the right places. Even the duvet cover looks good!

Who knew that insemination could be so much fun and at so many angles!

1.Not An IKEA Bed-Cause Possums, Humpty Dumpty may have fallen off the wall, but are you really going to put that IKEA bed back together again? As much as I love IKEA, I hate how you have to put everything together! I used to own an IKEA bed and it would always fall a part at the edges! The sides would flop down and the headboard would tip over!!! Never you mind what I was doing to make it fall apart! But, thank Christ for me it fell apart plenty!

But, of course!

2. A Little Black Slip- Yes! My favorite accessory! Hides everything, but still keeps everything looking sexy! Possums, do you want to know what is my favorite type of sex. No, I am not talking about sex with different positions. Nor, sex in new places. But, sex with clothes on! Yes! Yes! Yes!

3. Lozenges-Let’s throw those in cause Jigga, with all dem screaming someone’s bound to lose their voice!

4. Really Large Hairpins- You need them hairpins with all that hair pulling at the beginning of the scene.

Better him, than me!

I never heard of a man fainting by the sight of seeing a piece of weave in his hand with no head attached to it. But, I heard of a wig that shifted in the middle of H&M store, where the sales man gave the girl a certain look that said-“My word!” And the girl thought that she was being admired for her choice of curls, but it wasn’t until she circled around back to re-think those shoes she left behind that her eyes caught a whiff of herself in the store’s mirror, and it was then she realized that her piece did indeed shift and instead of favoring the latest hair designs of a certain Miss Raquel Welch, it looked more like a drugged Shih-tzu after surgery!

Not that this happened to me.

It’s just a for instance!

Normally, I never last watching sex scenes. I am always critiquing it. But, I don’t know why, this one gave me the giggles! You can’t tell me that by the end of this act, this woman never passed a stone! And I should know, because I had an uncle (God rest his soul, until my mother and his mother get there) who had to pass a kidney stone and I swear Possums, the sound that came from him was like the same thing! And I was around the corner, down the corridor, and in the hospital donuts shop, with Muzak playing in the background!

Possums, this is animalistic sex.

Rabbit sex.

Sex that only dogs know, when in heat.

Throw-down pillow sex.

Sex that makes you come up with new syllables!!!!

Kon-fu-fu-putpha-flinka-flunka-wacka-wacka!

I had sex like this once.

And it was very expensive!

Extremely expensive!

The most I ever spent because of sex!

Do you know that the Canadian government only covers a certain amount of visits to the chiropractors?

But, wait Possums…

What did you think I spent the money on?

Unbeknownst to them, all three have a connection to Lorenzo.Elena met him many years ago on that same island and enjoyed beautiful, anonymous lovemaking with him in the sea by the light of a full moon. Nine months later, Elena gives birth to Luna, but never managed to find Lorenzo. Carlos was the stepfather of Belen, who disappeared after she unwittingly caused the death of Luna. As she hears more about the past of her two new housemates, Lucia is reminded of the book Lorenzo was writing, a tale about a journey into a dark, deep past that brought on his depression. Soon, the lines between fact and fiction begin to fall apart.

What a mouthful!

And Possums, as you shall soon see, so is this man’s member!

But, come to think of it, many a man’s member looks that big on the screen! Just like the pic I saw floating of Chris Brown’s penis. You cant’ tell me that Jigga never clicked the “skinny” editing button that elongates everything in the picture, before he pressed “send” to leak it to the world! And although many of my girlfriends were impressed by Mr. Brown’s long schlong, I wasn’t. Did I mention that Miss Ava’s father was so long that having sex with him was damn near insemination!

Possums, I bring to you on my to do list-Sex & Lucia.

Do you know that this was the first film that left me with a migraine? Which is funny because shouldn’t the woman get a headache before sex and not after it? Never have I seen so many plots and sub-plots playing out all at once. I had to turn to Wikipedia to sort it through it all! The only other time I had to do this was for the movie, “Inception”!

Lorenzo, the male lead of the film, sits with his literary agent at a restaurant discussing his writer’s block. Lucía, the female lead, catches his attention as he gets up from his table. She tells him that ever since she read his latest book, she has been following him and has fallen passionately in love with him. A smitten Lorenzo immediately engages the sexy, passionate Lucia and they move in Lorenzo’s apartment, together .

Possums, why can’t all romances happen this way? A girl or guy appreciates you, follows you around, and professes their dying love to you.

Oh, wait.

I think that’s what they refer to as stalking. Ah, those pesky stalking laws we have here in North America!

I remember when I was stalked once. Although it did lead to a sexual escapade.

But, of course!

Mind you, I knew the Jigga from waay before. The stalking would have been okay, if the Jigga was cute! But, he wasn’t. So, it didn’t last, but a day!.

Was the stalking the deal breaker? Kind of. But, Possums, no man shouldn’t smell more than the normal “sex smells” in the bedroom! I think that definitely should be a deal breaker! It was so bad that I ended up throwing out my sheets! He was a Rastafarian. Do you know that the Jigga had the nerve to tell me that Rasta men and God (which he referred to as Jah Rastafari) do not believe in underarm deodorant! I told him that was bull!  Possums, can you believe God not believing in deodorant!! Jigga please! The only time I would dispute this is maybe when I have to go to the bathroom at Wal-Mart! But, common! If God didn’t believe in smelling good why would He create-deodorant, oils, perfume, frankincense, myrrh, Febreeze and toilet water!

My uncle, God rest his soul until my mother AND his mother get there, was a Dread and he fully believed in using cologne, deodorant, fragrant oils, and baby powder! So, I don’t know what Jigga was talking about!

So, so long went my first stalker!

Next!

This is like playing sexy stranger, except this time the sexy stranger follows through! This is a time where you and your lover can truly be titillating! Tit being the operative word!

There aren’t too many props present in this movie. I think it is all about using your body as a prop. The props that did inspire me are:

Handkerchiefs- The covering of the eyes with a handkerchief is so sexy. Mine was raw silk. And raw it was! Nothing is more exciting than losing one of your senses for the purposes of a sexual high! You never know where they are in the room. Or when your lover is going to come after you. But, you better make sure that Jigga has good aim, because God forbid he jams his member too quickly and with too much force, that you want to turn around and hang him with it!

Clay-I personally would forgo recreating the clay scene. First of all, I know there must be some health hazards there. Sticking clay in one’s ninny can’t be good at all, I don’t think. No matter how good it feels at the time. The only thing that should harden down there is…well, his member. And harden the clay shall, my Possums, cause when that stuff gets hard, sorry is the woman who possess a full bush!

Motocycle Boots-I guess you could use these to shimmy, shimmy in. I prefer a good heel, but using boots are more dirtier.

I guess!

Try to remind yourself as you striptease along, to be graceful like a ballerina. One should not be clumping along making so much ruckus. The noise should come from your bed.

If one should be so lucky!

Kitchen Table- One of the best props of all, but do you know that it is way better to use your kitchen island instead? Much roomier. I’m lucky because mine is just for eating and preparation, so be careful not to get so caught up, that you end up with an ass full of faucet!

This movie is so inspiring with its display of eroticism, but be prepared for carpal tunnel! Leaning broadly on the lines of porn, this is probably one of the first mainstream films, where a character, in this case Lucía, explicitly fondles Lorenzo’s erect penis for quite some time.

This is probably the closest to “real sex” in movies and it doesn’t disappoint!

To remember what fun it was to be a couple for the first time-exploring the depths and hollows of the body. This is the only moment where time seemed to stand still So, take your time and remember it well Possums cause this “just desert” time in a new relationship never happens ever again! Unless, you are taking pharmaceuticals!

This movie also inspires us to explore all the clichés of loverdom:

1. First of all, the taking of the pictures of each other’s members, which I have never done before.

Cause Mama didn’t born no fool!

But, I shall not lie, it does seem fun. Just ask that close family member!

2. Daring to take off the panties in a public place and flinging it towards the lover. Now this I’ve done! Mind you, with a much longer tablecloth! I do have principles and a daughter to think of you know!

3. What about doing the sexy dance for the lover?

Done!

And very good too, I might add!

Being a singer, I sang along with the music, too!

4. Then there is the lowering of the body, mainly your front, on your lover lips!

Never you mind if I did this!

Let’s just say that I inspired a certain executive and now they have Lipton’s Sidekicks! You see Possums, every entrée needs a great dish on the side!

5. There is the washing of each other’s members in the shower. Now, this I have tried before, but I never felt anything different. Maybe it was with the wrong guy.

Or just the wrong water pressure!

6. Playing around naked on your own private beach in the raw and with clay! You know I could almost say that I have done this, but my naked clay bath consisted of two women covering me head to toe in really expensive clay imported from Turkey.

I know. I know.

It is not nearly the same thing, but I WAS naked at the time.

And as I laid there waiting for the clay to harden I did have an erotic thought, or two.

But, then I also went over my grocery list, so maybe that doesn’t count!

“Fermina, I have waited for this opportunity for 51 years, nine months and four days. That is how long I have loved you, from the first moment I cast eyes on you until now. I repeat to you once again my vow of eternal fidelity and everlasting love.”

The woman that this man adores. The woman that this man embraced carnal pleasures in order to heal the pain of losing her to another man, a richer man. The woman that to this man has always been the symbol of this man’s long and everlasting adoration turns to the man and screams…

“GET OUT OF HERE!”

And so begins the saga of the movie- Love in the Time of Cholera or El amor en los tiempos del cólera, which is a novel by Nobel Prize winning Colombian author Gabriel García, Márquez.

Possums, I ask you, how long would you wait for love?

I asked myself-could I wait that long for love?

No.

But, maybe for a cheese hamburger made with truffle oil from a famous chef!

51 years, nine months and four days, Florentino discovers his raison d’etre when he sees Fermina Daza through the window of her father’s villa. Through several passionate letters, Florentino gradually gains her heart, but her father is upset when he learns of the affair, and vows to keep them apart forever. I could so relate to this, but Possums, that is another time, another place, another post!

Do you want to know the way into my heart?

No, it is not only through food.

Ha! It is through letters.

Love letters.

I remember my first love letter. It was in grade eight. (SIDE NOTE: Yes, I did get love notes late in life, but trust me Possums when I tell you that by the time I was sixteen, I caught up to all the loving I was missing out!).

It was gallant.

It was poetic.

It reached mountain highs.

It reached valley lows.

It was a LL Cool J song!

Jigga wrote down music lyrics on paper!!!

Oh, well.

In the end I did learn that ain’t no mountain high enough.

Ain’t no valley low enough.

Ain’t no river wide enough.

To keep me from getting to…oh wait, now there I go!

Still, Possums, the midget captivated me. Trust me! He was a midget or at least a “little person”. Jigga came up to my breasts.

The bottom of them!

As the years go by, Fermina marries the sophisticated aristocrat Dr. Juvenal Urbino, who has brought order and medicine to Cartagena, working hard to get rid of the cholera disease that has taken over the city. Juvenal sweeps her away to Paris for years, and when they start their life together back in Cartagena, she has all, but forgotten her first love.

But Florentino has not forgotten her. He works hard and becomes a wealthy shipowner, biding his time to win her back someday. Florentino engages in a series of affairs, about 700 partners to be exact, but still yearns for Fermina. He will wait a lifetime for the chance to be with her again. (SIDE NOTE: I don’t think that even if I tried I could get numbers that high. But, with a lot of will, sheer determination and a sponsorship from Vaseline, maybe my dreams could come true! Now, THAT is what I should bring up at my mother’s dinner table!)

1. The Setting- The city’s steamy and sleepy streets, rat-infested sewers, old slave quarter, decaying colonial architecture, and multifarious inhabitants makes up the complex, magical and sensual city of Cartagena,Colombia. Possums, you don’t have to go all the way to Colombia to create this at home. Remember keep it simple. This was a time when there were men who were paid to light the lamppost of every corner. The homes were full of candles, long candle holders, beautiful white flowers, iron works, large ornate wooden furniture and gorgeous Spanish tiles, I would definitely splurge on some mosquito netting and I bet you end up keeping them. It is such an easy way to “dress” the bed.

But enough about furniture!

2. Her Clothing- You know Possums, how much I love the look of a tight waist that only the clothing from those days could give you. Do you know that you can fit a whole man under a very large petticoat for a full twenty minutes, at a Halloween party, on a dare and no one would know?

Not that I have tried.

It’s just a for instance!

But, the thought of exposing your breasts and lifting up your petticoat, is so delicious that I definitely would advise you to partake. I mean you could rent, but I would just buy a full girdle with a nice petticoat or peasant dress.

3. The Hair-Possums, no wonder everyone wanted to have sex so much! You were always hot and bothered! And don’t forget the hair. You are a Mamacita and should look the part. I would curl a lot of tendrils all over the head and let it fall down sensually.

4. Make-up-For make-up, I would keep it really light, maybe some Vaseline on the lips. And keep it by the bed. You may have to use it later.

5. His Clothing- He could wear a seer sucker suit. I love me a man who owns a seer sucker suit, but it has to be in cream with a light blue, maybe baby pink tie. He could even add one of those fedoras. I know you must have one in your closet. I do! So sexy!

See there I go off on the design elements again!

Possums, you got to get comfortable for this movie. It is a doosey! There is sex, sex, and lots of it! Never have I seen so many sex and sexual fantasies in one movie!

Well done them.

And lucky for me!

I would never ever get an animal involved in love making, unless we stopped in the middle of it and got craving for baby back pork ribs! Which could be a lot of fun; you know licking the juices of each other’s fingers. But, this movie does it in such a hilarious way that you have to remind yourself that sex can be funny and with a nuisance of a cat…very painful!

Men, it should all start with a love letter or if you haven’t gone too far in the relationship, at least a lust letter. Try to make it your own, but if need be I guess you can use music lyrics.  Write a few of them in the days leading up to the main event. If my father did it to woo my mother, then so could you! Remember this is a sweeping romantic epic that tells the story of a man who waits over fifty years for his one true love, you must captivate your lover with the pain and suffering of Florentino, but embrace the adventurous way he had of getting women to sleep with him, so make it a good one! And THRUST accordingly so! And over and over and over again!

I know that the author García Márquez’s main point of his saga was that love sickness is a “literal” illness; a disease comparable to cholera. But, don’t you just wish you had a disease and needed a doctor to come over and pay a visit?

Thank Christ for medicine!

How sexy was it when the doctor husband took the hands of his wife and talked her through her first time!

“What is that I am holding my Doctor Husband?” said the Soon-To-Be-Plowed Wife.

“Well it is not a shoehorn my dear,” replied Doctor Husband.

“But, of course!” answered the Soon-To-Be-Plowed Wife.

I wished someone held my hand! Not that I needed a textbook or anything. But, I remember when I was watching the movies in sex-ed classes and amidst the wonderment of it all, I wondered to myself if I was really going to need to remember all of this.

No.

Doing it is sooooo much better!

They should have given live demonstrations!

I know, I know, that would have put me at about 11-12 years old. But, again, there were no Harry Potter books to occupy my perverted mind back then!

And I am not above using those candy-flavored pens to draw on a lover. However, to lick it off afterward, I don’t think so! Processed strawberry makes me sick! So, I would definitely use paint that can wash off later, especially if there is a jealous spouse involved!

Not that it happened to me.

Again, it is just a for instance!

Let me leave you with what this movie has taught me.

You know what I noticed?

Although the movie spans a half-century, do you know we all sex the same? It never changes and never goes out of style. Yes, this movie teaches us the enduring power of true love. And yes, this movie promotes the excessively romantic attitude toward life. And although, the bosoms have sagged and the skin has given way to resemble track marks from birthing too many children. And the coco may be all, but silver and musty and the arms may have wings large enough to fly. It does give one hope that when one ages, as older people, we can still get it on.

As long as he can still mount.

Actually, several.

You know how I do.

It all started off with a spray of perfume.

My mother always said that a little dab will go a long way, but how about a whole bottle full?

I was four years old and my sister was a baby. She didn’t smell so good and as young as I was I didn’t know any better and so as she laid in her crib, as a poor defenseless soul, I went and sprayed some perfume. I guess some must have sprayed in her eyes, cause then she started to hoot and holler, but not loud enough that my mother could hear her. So, I went and got my mother and I had to explain to her not only why my sister was crying , but why her Yves St. Laurent Rive Gauche permeated through her crib.

I guess she didn’t appreciate the fact that I ran and told her.

Didn’t she see that I saved my sister from near blindness caused by cheap perfume?

Well, no.

After my mother washed out my sister’s eyes, she proceed to wax my behind!

Possums, back then, I didn’t know that you were suppose to call upon God and all his Archangels, because I know they would have sent a chariot of fire to come and whisk me up away from impending doom!

Well, Possums, let’s just say I had my own “Secretary” moment for what probably lasted twenty minutes.

Did I tell you the brush broke on my bottom!

Yes, Possums,the brush broke in half!

And true to form, my mother continue to use the brush. Even when it flipped over.

Bristle-side!

Yes, all Sadomasochists rejoice!

By the way, what did you think my “spanking story” was about?

I present to you the movie, “The Secretary”.

And with the flick of his hands, Natalie Portman shows Clive Owens her puny.

Is it me, but doesn’t Clive Owens seem kind of dirty in this scene? Usually, I love dirty, but he seems almost grimy! I guess it goes with the ambiance. Leather chairs and vinyl walls make me sweat too!

I remember my first foray into a strip club.

Actually, it was just before my second and third foray into such a club.

You wouldn’t even call it my first time. The only reason why I had to go into the strip club was to grab my cousin and my brother. The Jiggas were supposed to meet me outside of the bowling alley. But, instead when I drove up they were nowhere to be found. Then I realized that there was a strip club beside it.

It is a funny thing about strip clubs. They are like casinos. You don’t know what time it is once you walk into the place. Anyhoo, I am not going to lie Possums, I felt real excited! I was going into the den of iniquity. And, I was going to see me some naked people!

However, den of iniquity my ass crack! Everything and everyone looked tired! From the waitresses, the customers, the manager, the man behind the bar and even the girl at the box office, looked tired! Which reminds me of the time when my brother dated a stripper. Jigga always looked tired too!

I swear even the dancers’ ugly bits looked…well, ugly! That’s why I prefer not to strip as a vocation, but in the privacy of my own home. Afterward, I can go straight to my bed! Another reason is- Possums DEM GIRLS DO NOT CLEAN UP THAT POLE BETWEEN ACTS!

Oh, hell nah!

Not for nothing, but I am a very clean person! I have been known to stop Naked Tuesdays for about an hour to scrub down my stove!

I have been known to rush Sexy Bath Time if I see scum between my tiles!

And Possums, I have been known to spread the bed because it looked real messy after having sex.

While, he was still in it!

It was dark and I just threw my giraffe-print comforter on him and my bed.

That’s the last time I date a skinny boy!

But, I digress.

I would not be a good stripper! I would definitely have to put some form of “cleansing” routine in my act. I would bend over and shake my bootay, and pull out my Clorox spray. I would pull at my garters for the customers as I sprayed it all over the pole. And as I show my tacos, I would whip out some antibacterial wipes and clean the pole up and down at the same time, pull out my duster, dust up any leftover bits, and fall into a split, flipping my hair just so.

Cause Possums, I AM that talented!

Believe it or not Possums, I CAN stretch my legs nay wide. How nay is nay? Well, depending what I am taking before I do it!

What You Need:

• A tacky pink wig-Which shouldn’t be too hard to find. All you have to do is go to the hair store and go straight to the counter and ask for one. They have plenty! I should know.

• For him-a simple vest, dress shirt and pants.
• Play money
• Sexy see-through stilettos!

• You can wear a flipper style of lingerie
  

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: Don’t use a girdle!

Try pulling aside a girdle to show a man your puny, when he asks you to! And then have that tight panty snap right back like it ain’t nobodies business! And then not only are you wincing in pain, but then you realize that it didn’t snap back entirely! It got caught between your “servings”. So then you are there, legs wide open trying to dig and dig and dig and dig and then when you finally get it out and then you think to yourself, “Why did I have to embrace the freedom of growing a bush? I should have just waxed the thing off when I had the chance!” And while you rub your coco for its dear life, only to find that when you look up, Jigga is staring at you the whole time!

Enjoying himself!

Jigga actually thought that this was part of your “act”.

Not that this has happened to me.

It is just a for instance!

What To Do:

You can play the name game, like what they do at the police stations all over the globe-“What’s your name?”

“I don’t know? What do you want it to be?”

What I really think is that this movie is a study of intimacy. Larry wants it, but Alice knows the drill. That’s why I think that this is a fantastic role-play for flirting! Always, one up the other person. It is all in the game.

“You have the face of an angel” says Larry.

“Thank you” says Alice.

“What does your c*nt taste like?” says Larry.

“Heaven” says Alice.

Possums, mine too!

And make sure to always say “thank-you” at the end of every compliment.

To some it may seem annoying, but no one has manners anymore!

Lingerie, stripping, play money aside- it shows good breeding!

And it all started with a kiss…

Set in 1929 French Indochina, “The Lover” by Marguerite Duras tells a story of an affair between two people known only as “The Young Girl” and “The Chinese Man”.

“We are lovers. Every day we go on loving. We can’t stop loving…Just nothing only love,” she says.

“Is that what you want?” he asks her.

“Yes.”

“I am going to die of love for you.”

Possums, to experience a love that is without expectations or commitment is not for the faint of heart. But, can it still be called love?

I remember watching this at a party with a bunch of girls. They got bored before the good parts came on and went into the next room to play music. I, on the other hand, stayed. Thank Christ! Possums, I was betwixt! I just wanted to be pillaged in a dirty part of town somewhere with a rich Asian man! Lucresia learned so many things that night. Things that sometimes gets lost in the throes of it all-the sensuality of sex.

“The Chinese Man” offers “The Young Girl” a ride to Saigon in his chauffeur-driven limousine and she accepts. He is drawn to her confidence, the waif and the possibilities. He is used to getting what he wants, for he is very wealthy.

The following day, “The Chinese Man” waits for “The Young Girl” outside her boarding school, and the two of them go to the room he rents for entertaining mistresses in the seedy part of Saigon, where they make love. And for our benefit, continuously!

And thus begins a tempestuous affair with no strings attached. “The Young Girl” is scheduled to return to Paris and “The Chinese Man” is due to marry an Asian heiress that has already been arranged. This arrangement allows them to throw all caution to the wind.

WHAT YOU NEED:

Heat, Heat and More of It!-There is something misty going on in the land of Saigon and I don’t think that it is the “The Young Girl’s” front!

The rain, the seedy room, the lovers combined…. doesn’t it all have the makings of a great jazz song?

But, of course!

Silk Dress-I get it. I get it. It is suppose to show everything, but being the fashionista that I am it does eventually get on my nerves. I feel like an old mother hen. I want to just reach into the television and slap on a brassiere on her or some pasties. But, her fedora, I love. You can’t go wrong there. It gives off a mixture of femininity and masculinity.

Cream Cotton Sheets-The kind that sticks to sweaty bodies. Normally, I hate them, but it does add to the ambiance of being “enveloped” in the moment.

Man’s White Suit-I love me a man in a white suit. I also love me a dapper wealthy Asian Man in one too! And to think that if I just tried a little harder in getting the attention of Miss Wong’s son behind the counter of the Mr. Wong’s Chinese Restaurant. I could be making love and having him won-ton my rolls!

Music-Do you know that I always have Asian Music playing when I make love? And you should too. It is just fabulous.

WHAT TO DO:

Let Him Undress You and Pretend To Be a Virgin! It is not as hard as you think. And you don’t have to go as far as bringing out the ketchup.

Not that this has happened to me.

It is just a for instance!

Men just pretend that you can’t find it and poke it in her leg a few times as you try to get it in! And Ladies, just give out a soft sigh. Sighing, my Possums, is a good thing. It makes your breasts heave up and down. Better than a push-up Victoria Secret bra I think.

By the way, I am a strong advocate of the missionary position. Why mess with what God came up with first? I think that it was later on that people watched how animals did it and decided to switch it up too much!

Feast your eyes on the grasping of the buttocks; watch her clasping at him to bring him in more. The caressing of the neck and breasts is just enough to put anyone in a tizzy! I don’t know why some people say that it is soft porn. The sexual scenes are so artistic. It reminds us that sex, when heightened, can display such symmetry. I know God meant it to be that way. It really is an act of combining two worlds.

Possums, have you ever slept with someone thinking that it wasn’t anything special at the time, until they came out of your life and it was until only then that you realized that you were in love with them?

May we all be so lucky!

Not the heartache part, but the hot sex part!

P.S. He is a bit too high up for it to be realistic ( I heard some rumors that the scenes were real, but I don’t think that is the case), unless his Long Duck Dong is longer than a meter stick or her Coco is just under her belly button. But it makes for good watch though!

I know there are different kinds of love, but I am talking about a crazy type of love.

Luis Vargas does not believe in love. Which is why, he sends away for an American bride to serve as a good wife and mother to his children. Jigga actually put an ad in the paper! His wife is to just be a  status symbol.

I have experienced that crazy type of love and it is awful! I say, “awful” because it is a love where it is such a heightened experience, that you only feel that you come to your senses when that person you are in love with enters the room. And then the passion that you feel is so palpable that you have to get away from it.

There was a time when all you needed to “dress” the room before you were planning to make love, was a kerosene lamp and a misquito net.

A time when men stood up, both, when a lady left and entered a room.

A time when one went to bed because there was nightfall and there was nothing left to do, but make love over and over again, and not really saving up too much strength for the next day, cause all you were going to do was plant a new harvest and tend to the cows.

This would count for all the youngins running around the plantation that is known in the movie, “The Original Sin”.

Based on the novel, “Waltz Into Darkness” by Cornell Woolrich,  “Original Sin”, is about a man, Luis Antonio Vargas (played by Antonio Banderas), who is searching for companionship that soon takes him to dangerous places. However, upon their first meeting, Luis learns that he has been lied to. Instead of the plain-looking woman in the pictures he was sent, he finds an gorgeous woman waiting for him.  Julia (played by Angelina Jolie) tells him that she deliberately sent the wrong picture to avoid Mr. Vargas to only be attracted to her beauty. Luis then lets Ms. Julia in on a lie of his own-that he misrepresented himself as a clerk on the coffee plantation.  He is actually the plantation owner.

And rich as hell!

Angelina Jolie Antonio Banderas Original Sin –

Luis and Julia are married the same night, and it doesn’t take much longer before they fall in love with each other. Like all Stupidas before and after him, Mr. Dumb Dumb gives his new bride access to all his bank accounts. Unfortunately, Luis’ happiness is short-lived.  Miss Julia cleans out his bank accounts and disappears.

Set in Cuba in the 1880s, “Original Sin” is such a gorgeous movie to look at. The costumes and locations are lush and exquisite. It is the perfect backdrop for the passion and sexuality that lie just below the surface as the two begin to discover each other over the next few days. However, at times, Julia seems to be fighting inner demons.  She is holding herself back from too deep an emotional involvement.

What You Need:

1. A large house on a plantation, if not, a regular house, condo,loft, or an apartment will do

2. A bed with white sheets and mosquito netting

3. Oil lamp or even candles if it is dark outside

4. The woman should be naked and all he needs is something sturdy!

Hot damn!

What To Do:

Note: When you are making the bed up, please make sure to tuck in the sheets real tight. You don’t want to be in the throes of passion and have the sheets wrapped up around you like a breakfast burrito…and with him on the outside!

Not that it has happen to me.

It’s just a for instance!

I just don’t know how they do it! Oh, Possums, how I wish to be that bendy! Mr. Vargas penetrates from the missionary position, brings her up into a sit-up position and then lies her down back into a quick missionary position, only to turn her over and around!!!  All this without, pulling out! Is this possible?

Why, yes, thank you!

I tried most of this (but of course!), but you always hear someone’s pelvic bones a creakin’! And it ain’t pretty, but if you are going to get all distorted and stuff, then this is definitely the way to go!

You need to pull out all the stops here. Quick, trot to the bookstore and pick up a few books for pointers, cause Da-ling, you are going to need them! This role play, exploits every orgasmic cliché in the world, right down to the lovers’ fingers gripping the sheets in ecstasy. It is still hot though! Man, I think I need me a big ole drink!

Remember, this is the story about the dangerous and sometimes lethal power of love. You both fall utterly and completely under each others’ spell, deeper in love and lust than you have ever thought possible. It is all about exploring each others’ body. Yes, men, this could be called foreplay, but this time instead of just in and out and out and in, you both should be up to the task of kissing and caressing, while the initial act is going on. I know that it is hard. But, that is why I am considered such a multi-tasker!

I think that it is best if you act like you both never seen a body before. On the inside, you could be like,”what does this mound of flesh do?” And on the outside, you devour the breast like you have never had before.

Or, on the inside you could be like,”what is this fledgling object that looks like somewhat crooked branch?” And on the outside, you could tease and play with the…well, you get the picture.

Remember Possums- Desire, Obsession and Lust.

Some may call it naivete. I like to call it surrender.

Please note that Miss Angelina’s lips are very distracting. But, that is okay. I firmly believe that all lips should never be ignored.