“Why not have her clone her vagina?” I say!

I mean people bronze shoes and show them off in their living room. How far away could turning a vagina into a memento be? Now, while I’d personally put this on my mantle, others may not. But, I still think it is a fantastic idea!

At least it gives me a new idea for nice parting gifts-”Dear, we have to break up. It not you, it’s me. But, cheer up. I want you to take my vagina and every time you get lonely just think of me…or use it, whatever!”

But, knowing many a woman out there, if I was going to give these out as gifts or for my man to use, wouldn’t I want to use someone’s else cuter looking vagina?

Are there vagina part models for hire?

Those were the orders given to Devendra Banhart and his girlfriend Rebecca Schwartz for today’s exclusive film, the director’s cut of a new campaign for eyewear company Oliver Peoples shot by photographer Lisa Eisner.

In homage to French New Wave classics like Godard’s Une Femme Mariée, Eisner was determined to cast a real-life couple with genuine chemistry, to create “infatuated cant-keep-your-hands-off-each-other moments.” Psych-folk polyglot Banhart and his set designer paramour happily obliged, their liaison unfolding on staircases and shag carpets in the Rainbow House, architect John Lautner’s 1961 Los Angeles masterpiece.

The Venezuelan-born Banhart’s Spanish serenade “Brindo” (from 2009′s What Will We Be; a new album is in the works) sets the mood for love, a topic he mused on when we rang him up in LA yesterday morning. “The last lyrics are ‘the only thing open right now is the hospital’—there’s something weirdly beguiling and beautiful about that. But the majority of the song is about: ‘I’m going to say a toast to this person who has given me a reason to drink joyfully.’ And she’s definitely that person,” he says of his girlfriend!

Oh, and by the way, you will love his music! Can’t stop humming and Ava can’t telling me to keep quiet!

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Ava found this.

That must make you wonder not only what type of mother I am, but what type of child I have!

Possums, I know that you have been there.

I almost had every single thought this woman had, except I have never had to wipe anything from my hair!

You know what I mean.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

via jenna marbles

Even after having one child.

And even after having multiple…never you mind!

Though, I never had to rely on Kegel exercises, mind you, I am a firm believer that just like any exercise regimen you have to do what you have to do with the area you are working with over and over again, in order to keep the area toned. Teehee. That’s why I have the old-school belief that one should have sex over and over again, in order to keep the vagina and its surrounding muscles toned.

I told my daughter Ava that she will have a tight coco to look forward to.

I told Ava that it would probably be down to genetics!

Possums, I’m glad that I am able to leave such a legacy behind. I did find my WILL and TESTAMENT lacking!

But Possums, what DO you do when your coco is too tight?

I know what you are thinking, “Go out and have me a lot of sex, Lucresia!”

I know, I would say the same thing. But, what about if the coco is so tight in fact that if you threw a coin at it instead of bouncing back and giving you change, it actually ricocheted, causing damage!

Well, the newest method of fixing up the vagina is not only kegel exercises, but injecting Botox in your vagina.

Botox in your vagina!

Sorry, I had to write that twice.

One, more time, and now with BOLD.

Botox in your vagina!

I didn’t believe my eyes the first two times!

Possums, talk about deep penetration!

One in three North American women suffer from pelvic floor dysfunction (PFD), a condition in which the pelvic muscles and connective tissue are extremely weak or extremely tight.

In order to relax the vaginal muscles Gynaecologists have in the past used hormonal creams and Valium pills, which were inserted into the vagina!

Mmmn, another way for me to use them!

Pelvic floor dysfunction maybe a result of injury through strenuous activities like Pilates, biking, and horseback riding.

You see, all those years I have been holding off exercising, I knew what I was talking about!  So, now when I go to my doctor’s the conversation will definitely change!

“Lucresia, are you getting enough exercise?” (Doctor-man is just making sure to make the 15minute mark, so that he can get paid!)

“Yes, doctor. Of course I am!” (A straight-up lie!)

“But, you are the same weight. Actually, (flipping back a page) a little bit more,” replied Doctor-man.

“I am? Oh, that was probably my cell phone. I like to carry it in my bra. Easy Access. That and my lip gloss, my i.d. and my debit card. I must have forgot to take it out!”

“I don’t think cell phones add that much weight.”

“It’s a new model.”

“Riiight!”

Instead, now the conversation will be short and sweet-

“Miss Linton, are you getting enough exercise?”

“No, scientists say that too much exercise will give you a stretched out genitalia.”

“What journal?”

”The one that I found on the internet!”

SIDE NOTE: Two things, really. Possums, I don’t know what it is, but every time I go to the doctor I always refer to my things in medical terms. My coco becomes “vagina” or “genitalia”, which sounds weird when a woman says it. Doesn’t it make me sound like I have a penis? Or, “poo” becomes “feces”, “pee” becomes “urinate” and plain ole fashioned fucking “becomes “sexual intercourse”!

And two, why doesn’t the doctor accept my research that I get off the internet! I guess I couldn’t argue this point too far. I mean if he got his degree from the sites where I get my medical information, we’d both be in real trouble! So, just to make sure I checked the wall for his diploma and made sure that it wasn’t “doctored”!

So, no need to worry.

I checked.

Twice.

Just one more Side Note: I swear my doctor looks like Ross Gellar from “Friends”! I had a small crush on Ross. I guess that explains why I have to get another doctor to do my vagina-looking. I would not dear ever ask this one.

Just one more Side Note, I swear: How does the doctor keep his food down at home? I have noticed that he has been taking longer lunch breaks of late.  I couldn’t do it. One time I was looking up sexual positions on the internet (research my dear, research!) and pictures of a sexual transmitted diseases came up (I had taken off the SAFE SEARCH button)! But, let me tell you that the images I saw on Google, scared the hell out of me! What is a woman to do, but think about the pictures when I was washing the dishes AND when I was taking a bath AND when I was lying alone in bed that night?

So, that she will always remember to use a rubber, I sent the pictures to Ava!

I needed closure.

Possums, I slept so well that night.

Unfortunately, Ava didn’t!

So, when Kegel exercises isn’t going to help. You need to open your mind, and your legs, and get yourself some Botox to loosen up those vaginal muscles at a cost ranging from$550 to $750 a pop! If you find it any less or find yourself in a garage with a man named Chico, make like Forrest Gump and “RUN, Possum, RUN!”

By the way, you may or may not get coverage from health insurance plan (man, would I love to listen in on that call)! And it is currently not FDA approved.

Not FDA approved!!!

Don’t worry, just call on Obama, he’s team is probably looking for a tighter; I mean another stable platform to get behind.

Doctors try to encourage their clients to get the shots every three months.  And there are some noted side-effects, such as some women who get too many injections sometimes lose some control of their vagina muscles, which may lead to leaking and impromptu farting.

I know that it seems like a sliding scale, but if I was in the situation I would do it. I make tough decisions having to do with my vagina all the time, too.

“But, his penis is so small.”

“But, it’s already here!”

“And he doesn’t even know how to use it!”

“But,  it’s a real penis too!”

The procedure involves the doctor putting the needle, into the biggest tendons of the vagina muscle.  It takes about five to ten days for women to notice the change, but when they do…

HOT DAMNNIT!

They start frigging like rabbits, making up for lost time; always finding something to do in the bedroom.

At least I think they do.

I know I would!