Possums, this is a must watch!
Ava found this.
That must make you wonder not only what type of mother I am, but what type of child I have!
Possums, I know that you have been there.
I almost had every single thought this woman had, except I have never had to wipe anything from my hair!
You know what I mean.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
via jenna marbles
You know Possums, I have always prided myself of having a tight coco (a.k.a vagina, a.k.a puny, a.k.a beef curtains).
Even after having one child.
And even after having multiple…never you mind!
Though, I never had to rely on Kegel exercises, mind you, I am a firm believer that just like any exercise regimen you have to do what you have to do with the area you are working with over and over again, in order to keep the area toned. Teehee. That’s why I have the old-school belief that one should have sex over and over again, in order to keep the vagina and its surrounding muscles toned.
I told my daughter Ava that she will have a tight coco to look forward to.
I told Ava that it would probably be down to genetics!
Possums, I’m glad that I am able to leave such a legacy behind. I did find my WILL and TESTAMENT lacking!
But Possums, what DO you do when your coco is too tight?
I know what you are thinking, “Go out and have me a lot of sex, Lucresia!”
I know, I would say the same thing. But, what about if the coco is so tight in fact that if you threw a coin at it instead of bouncing back and giving you change, it actually ricocheted, causing damage!
Well, the newest method of fixing up the vagina is not only kegel exercises, but injecting Botox in your vagina.
Botox in your vagina!
Sorry, I had to write that twice.
One, more time, and now with BOLD.
Botox in your vagina!
I didn’t believe my eyes the first two times!
Possums, talk about deep penetration!
One in three North American women suffer from pelvic floor dysfunction (PFD), a condition in which the pelvic muscles and connective tissue are extremely weak or extremely tight.
In order to relax the vaginal muscles Gynaecologists have in the past used hormonal creams and Valium pills, which were inserted into the vagina!
Mmmn, another way for me to use them!
Pelvic floor dysfunction maybe a result of injury through strenuous activities like Pilates, biking, and horseback riding.
You see, all those years I have been holding off exercising, I knew what I was talking about! So, now when I go to my doctor’s the conversation will definitely change!
“Lucresia, are you getting enough exercise?” (Doctor-man is just making sure to make the 15minute mark, so that he can get paid!)
“Yes, doctor. Of course I am!” (A straight-up lie!)
“But, you are the same weight. Actually, (flipping back a page) a little bit more,” replied Doctor-man.
“I am? Oh, that was probably my cell phone. I like to carry it in my bra. Easy Access. That and my lip gloss, my i.d. and my debit card. I must have forgot to take it out!”
“I don’t think cell phones add that much weight.”
“It’s a new model.”
“Riiight!”
Instead, now the conversation will be short and sweet-
“Miss Linton, are you getting enough exercise?”
“No, scientists say that too much exercise will give you a stretched out genitalia.”
“What journal?”
”The one that I found on the internet!”
SIDE NOTE: Two things, really. Possums, I don’t know what it is, but every time I go to the doctor I always refer to my things in medical terms. My coco becomes “vagina” or “genitalia”, which sounds weird when a woman says it. Doesn’t it make me sound like I have a penis? Or, “poo” becomes “feces”, “pee” becomes “urinate” and plain ole fashioned fucking “becomes “sexual intercourse”!
And two, why doesn’t the doctor accept my research that I get off the internet! I guess I couldn’t argue this point too far. I mean if he got his degree from the sites where I get my medical information, we’d both be in real trouble! So, just to make sure I checked the wall for his diploma and made sure that it wasn’t “doctored”!
So, no need to worry.
I checked.
Twice.
Just one more Side Note: I swear my doctor looks like Ross Gellar from “Friends”! I had a small crush on Ross. I guess that explains why I have to get another doctor to do my vagina-looking. I would not dear ever ask this one.
Just one more Side Note, I swear: How does the doctor keep his food down at home? I have noticed that he has been taking longer lunch breaks of late. I couldn’t do it. One time I was looking up sexual positions on the internet (research my dear, research!) and pictures of a sexual transmitted diseases came up (I had taken off the SAFE SEARCH button)! But, let me tell you that the images I saw on Google, scared the hell out of me! What is a woman to do, but think about the pictures when I was washing the dishes AND when I was taking a bath AND when I was lying alone in bed that night?
So, that she will always remember to use a rubber, I sent the pictures to Ava!
I needed closure.
Possums, I slept so well that night.
Unfortunately, Ava didn’t!
So, when Kegel exercises isn’t going to help. You need to open your mind, and your legs, and get yourself some Botox to loosen up those vaginal muscles at a cost ranging from$550 to $750 a pop! If you find it any less or find yourself in a garage with a man named Chico, make like Forrest Gump and “RUN, Possum, RUN!”
By the way, you may or may not get coverage from health insurance plan (man, would I love to listen in on that call)! And it is currently not FDA approved.
Not FDA approved!!!
Don’t worry, just call on Obama, he’s team is probably looking for a tighter; I mean another stable platform to get behind.
Doctors try to encourage their clients to get the shots every three months. And there are some noted side-effects, such as some women who get too many injections sometimes lose some control of their vagina muscles, which may lead to leaking and impromptu farting.
I know that it seems like a sliding scale, but if I was in the situation I would do it. I make tough decisions having to do with my vagina all the time, too.
“But, his penis is so small.”
“But, it’s already here!”
“And he doesn’t even know how to use it!”
“But, it’s a real penis too!”
The procedure involves the doctor putting the needle, into the biggest tendons of the vagina muscle. It takes about five to ten days for women to notice the change, but when they do…
HOT DAMNNIT!
They start frigging like rabbits, making up for lost time; always finding something to do in the bedroom.
At least I think they do.
I know I would!
So… this is how it’s achieved?
Is it even possible this way?
Where is the man positioned?
On a pulley?
It looks like the vag is mounted on the hand and Jigga is carrying it like a tray or something!
It does explain why I got so tingly at the doctor’s office, though.
Perhaps.
But, I think that some men just don’t get it right.
Possums, do you know the actress Miss Rosario Dawson?
The actress who could put the growl and grimace into a romp in the hay a la the movie Alexander and still look good.
The actress who has inspired one of my greatest feat accomplished in role-playing in bed (read here)!
Did you know Miss Rosario Dawson used to date the rapper, philanthropist, part team owner, clothing magnet, business mogul and Beyonce’s Boo-Jay-Z?
In early 2000′s!
I didn’t even know that he tapped that ass!
I don’t know how this tidbit ever flew underneath my radar! Maybe I was too preoccupied with raising myself and my child.
I guess!
Not only that, but the actress Miss Rosario Dawson who put the growl and grimace into a romp in the hay a la the movie Alexander and still look good and whom inspired one of my greatest feat accomplished in role playing in bed, claimed in an interview with NY Daily News that the rapper took her virginity!
It was Ava who told me.
I should really try to govern what that girl of mine reads of late!
SIDE NOTE: I know I mentioned the comment twice, but damn she looked good!
So, Jigga Man popped her cherry.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Thinking back, I don’t think I ever had someone of that caliber in my bed before. I mean the sleepy eyes, the plump “his-lips-must-go-everywhere-without-even-trying” kind of lips, and the Roman nose. And that hair. The only thing I can really complain about Mr. Z is that Jigga needs an appointment with an Afro pick and a shaver! My men need to have hair that is coiffed! It doesn’t matter if it is big or on the small side. Hair is hair. 
If you can’t keep what God gave you tidy on top, what does that say to me, what you may have got going on down below. And don’t even try to convince yourself that if you have a small peckerwood that a lot of bush hair will help distract from the size.
It doesn’t!
And to convince you further to coif up above and especially down below, a mowed bush makes your tra-la-la look bigger. 
It is a proven fact.
I think it was on an episode of Dr. Oz.
And I think he pulled out slides of pecker woods, too!
What could I say about who popped my cherry?
Never you mind!
But, when I think of cherries, I think of cheesecake! Soft, juicy cheesecake! The way the cookie crumbles when touched. Divine!
You see Possums, nothing is lost on me!
Possums, what about you?
At least Miss Dawson can tell people she lost her virginity to a rapper, philanthropist, part team owner, clothing magnet, business mogul and Beyonce’s Boo. I wish I could!
I mean this guy I dated once I guess you could call him a rapper. If you call the fact that he “rapped” in his sleep! Then yes, yes, he was a rapper!
And I guess you could call him a business mogul. If you call the fact that he chose to be all up in MY BUSINESS! Then yes, yes, he was a business mogul!
And I guess you could call him a part team owner, if you called his many many many “unbeknownst to me” secret children with their many many many “unbeknownst to me” secret mothers, him owning a team. Then yes, yes, he was a part team owner!
And I guess you could call him a philanthropist, cause I later found out that he was treating his manhood like it was charity!
And Possums, Jigga felt NO WAYS about giving that thing away!
It was always up for auction!
And closest thing he every got to being Beyonce’s boo, was when he went to one of her concerts and yelled, “Hey Boo!”
But, no. No Jay-Z-like caliber for me…yet!
Which makes me wonder, Possums, have you ever looked at your lover and thought to yourself, “He (or she) is so unoriginal”?
I did.
All that was left for me to do was turn over and go to sleep, which I ended up doing.
Unfortunately, I forgot that we were still doing it at the time.
Lucresialinton.com is a blog by Jazz singer, Lucresia Linton about God, sex, relationships, men, women and love. Lucresia Linton's aim is to reach, teach, squeeze, inspire, and learn from the world. Miss Linton is looking to talk with like-minded individuals in the hope that somewhere out there is a depth-defying, soul shaking love.
The truth?
One day Miss Ava turned to her and told her that she heard all her stories.
Every single one.
Heartbroken, Lucresia Linton decided to turn to the internet. She believes that if God gives you lemons, then you must order your very rude child to make you a pitcher of lemonade and go find an audience elsewhere!
Miss Linton lives by the motto- "Let your life be a testimony to all that walk the face of the earth."
Miss Linton wants you to know that yes, she thought of that quote all by herself!
*Yes, Miss Linton likes to call her friends, "Possums". She has to have a nickname for everything! She was already using "Beaver" for something else.
***Yes, Miss Linton welcomes all comments, but if they are rude then don't bother. She is a sensitive soul, in other words, irrational, and she will put you in a web cock-hold without given it a moment's thought!
à toute à l'heure!
Possums,
Come do moi and I will do you at twitter.com/lucresialinton
See you then.
L.
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