Can a peckerwood that is 320 x 240 pixels cause a lot of trouble?
But, of course!
Possums!
Oh, Possums!
Oh, Possums, Possums, Possums!
But, let me tell you all the drama that been going on in Lucresiaville’s mother’s house!
It all started with a peckerwood.
Perhaps a peckerwood and a half.
A peckerwood that is and was 320 x 240 pixels!
I am gonna let you in on a little secret. I hate it when people wake me up! You can catch me in the middle of the dishes. You can catch me while I am knee deep in thought with my blog. But don’t you dare catch me when I am sleeping! My sister says that you can always tell when I was sleeping, not because of my voice, but of my attitude thereafter!
Possums, right now my mother and father are on vacation in Jamaica. And as would any child with their parents gone far away, one would feel a little bit of trepidation.
I was sleeping when the telephone rang.
“Ava? Go and grab me your mom!”shouted my sister Charro on the phone.
“It’s me,” I whispered. “What’s wrong? Is it Mom? Is it Dad?”
“Mom found a dick!” my sister screamed on the phone.
“What? She found a dick?” I asked.
“Yes, she found a dick!” my sister screamed on the phone.
“Of course, she found a dick. Isn’t she with Dad?” I asked her as I rubbed my neck. I think I jerked it hard when I jumped out of my sleep.
“Mom found a dick on her phone!” she screamed.
“Mom found a dick on her phone?” I repeated back to her.
“Mom went on her phone and found a picture of oral sex!” she screamed.
“Mom went on her phone and found a picture of oral sex!” I repeated.
“Are you always gonna keep on repeating everything I say?” asked my sister as she calmed her voice down.
“No. Let me use the bathroom and call you right back,” I told her.
I hung up and took a pill.
Possums, there may come a time in your life when your sister may or may not call you and let you know that a dick may or may not belong to your father AND there is a person attached to the end of it! So, forgive me. You would take a pill too!
“Well, is it Dad’s dick?” I asked when I called her back.
“No. Are you crazy? It’s not Dad’s dick!” she answered.
Possums, I know what you’re thinking- “how are you not so sure?”
“How are you not so sure?” I asked her. I was trying to play devil’s advocate in the situation.
But, of course!
“Cause, I would think that by now Mom would know what Dad’s dick looks like!” she answered.
“But, I thought he doesn’t show it to her anymore!” I stated.
“I don’t know about that!” she answered.
Possums, I know what you’re thinking- “was there a lady attached to the dick?”
“Was there a lady attached to the dick?” I asked her.
“Yes, there was a girl attached to the dick!” screamed my sister into the phone.
Possums, I know what you’
re thinking-“what was the girl doing with the dick?”
“So, what was the girl doing with the dick?” I asked my sister.
“Well, in some pictures, she was licking it and-”began my sister.
“There was more than one picture?” I asked.
“Yes! And in some it was just the dick on its own. And then there was a picture of her playing with the dick-”
“Was the dick standing up?” I asked.
“Is that important?” asked my sister.
“No, I just needed visuals.”
I was thinking about you Possums…for when I would sneak and write to you all about it.
“Anyways, Mom is hysterical! She has been crying!” finished my sister.
Wow. I have heard about crying over spilt milk before, but a dick? And a dick that didn’t even belong to her husband?
Wow, my mother really was hysterical.
Possums, I know what you’re thinking-“whose dick is it then?”
You see don’t I know you so well?
“Charro, whose dick is it then?” I asked my sister.
Possums, I can’t tell you.
I swear I can’t tell you.
Okay, you twisted my arm! Apparently, it belongs to close relative. A very close relative. And I shall leave it at that!
Possums, I know what you’re thinking-“how did said dick get on my mother’s cell phone?”
“Charro, how did the dick get on Mom’s cell phone?” I asked.
You see Possums, my mother has a problem, too. Mine may be sleep deprivation, but my mother’s is buying things she doesn’t really need. She likes to not only keep up with Joneses, but also likes to keep up with the Harolds, the Smiths, and out-do the O’Connors, too!
My mother wanted a new cell to use during her vacation and she didn’t want a simple cell phone. She wanted the same one everyone is carrying these days-a Blackberry. Well, when this close relative went to purchase a chip for the phone, he ended up borrowing the phone for the week. But, regardless of anything, a dick is a dick is a dick is a dick is now a dick on my mother’s phone!
Possums, I know what you’re thinking-“how did she even find the dick on her phone?”
“Well, how DID Mom find the dick on her phone?” I asked my sister.
“Well, Mom was pressing the buttons and saw the pictures that Ava took of you and then saw a picture that looked like pubic hair and then saw a girl you know doing what I told you she was doing with the dick! And then she called me crying her eyes out and referring to when Kingdom’s going to come!”
Then I heard in more detail that my mother was trying to relax in her suite when she decided to distance herself from my father. I guess he somehow pissed her off between their departure from the airport and the arrival at the hotel. She must have picked up her cell and scrolled through its features and stumbled upon this dick with a lady’s lips wrapped around it!
Possums, I know what you’re thinking- “what happens when a person tries to outdo the Joneses?”
“You see what happens when you try to outdo the Joneses?” I asked my sister. “You get someone’s dick on your phone and a woman sucking it at that!”
You see Possums, the irony was not lost on me, no-sir-ee!
But, guess what happened later! I went over to my cousin’s house and the Jigga was there!
Possums, I know what you’re thinking-“did he bring along the dick?”
Yes, Possums, he brought along his dick!
Then I did something I know that I shouldn’t have, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to laugh about it, and the more I wanted to laugh about it, the more I thought about it and in only a way that Lucresia Linton could.
As he spoke to me, I struggled so hard to keep eye contact and not show any embarrassment for the Jigga and his manhood. I was like-“look at his eyes, nope you are looking down at his feet Lucresia, you’re looking down at his feet! Jigga-Woman look at eyes, look at his eyes. Keep looking, keep looking, else he is going to suspect, hold that gaze now Jigga-Woman!”
Possums, I couldn’t take it anymore, I finally had to call an eyelash emergency and rub my eyes the rest of the conversation!
I think I rubbed the juices off both retinas and gave myself some cataracts!
Heartbroken, Lucresia Linton decided to turn to the internet. She believes that if God gives you lemons, then you must order your very rude child to make you a pitcher of lemonade and go find an audience elsewhere!
